I used to sit,
and think
about all those times
that I've been hurt.
I would sit here,
in this very spot
and reflect on why I simply hate
everything.
I would sit for hours in self-pity,
and that was normal for me.

I never really understood,
why nothing ever changed.
Why everything constantly stayed the same,
no matter what I did.
Day by day,
I waited
for everything to get better.
It didn't
I waited for happiness
to come to me.

But now things are different.
Not just different,
better.
so much better.
Now,
I can make my own life happen.
I'm done waiting.

Does it ever really go away?
Old toxins,
Which I thought were cleared,
Keep on returning.
The poison is stuck inside me,
And doesn’t resist to strike pain again and again.
I thought that all of this was over.
But does it ever really go away?
My emotions and my mentality
Are throbbing.
And I am left once again
To the indecisiveness and inability of my own intellect.
I’m so tired,
Of feeling out of control.
I’m sick of feeling like there is two parts to me
And they are conflicting.
The damage is anything but quick and anything but fatal,
Which is a difficulty within itself.
But eventually,
The poison does conceal.
But does it ever really go away?

I love to feel the pain
That I thought I could no longer feel.
When I feel emotionless,
Empty,
Destroyed,
I crave feeling.
I crave to have that glistening blade
Slice across my skin.
I crave to watch
Till shiny red
Comes pouring out like all my emotions did.
I love to see my feelings,
My sanity
Right in front of my eyes.
Sometimes
It's just nice to feel something.

I love to feel the pain
That I thought I could no longer feel.
When I feel emotionless,
Empty,
Destroyed,
I crave feeling.
I crave to have that glistening blade
Slice across my skin.
I crave to watch
Till shiny red
Comes pouring out like all my emotions did.
I love to see my feelings,
My sanity
Right in front of my eyes.
Sometimes
It's just nice to feel something.

Who we are stops at a point.
I really wanted to extend it.
But when I see how things are now,
I really wish I would’ve loved it.
Nothing between us was perfect,
Good days came with bad.
But between all that,
We had something-
Something I could be proud of.
Unfortunately all that slowly faded away,
Just as we did.
Leaving me nothing to be proud of.
I wish I ‘d been appreciative,
For seeing you everyday.
For knowing I could talk to you,
Even if it wasn’t in the sense I wanted.
I wish I could go back;
I wish I could trade all of this for what we had,
For what I should’ve valued so much.
But now I’m stuck with your shadow,
Wishing for something more.
Only regretting how happy I should’ve been,
Compared to how degraded I feel now.

Wasting all my time,
Just thinking of what could be.
I never run out of thoughts,
They seem to control me.
I want to be content,
With everything I have.
But then more thoughts return,
Leading me to what’s bad.
Shooting like a rocket,
Through my very head,
Even feelings can overpower.
But I just want to look ahead.
I want to look to the future,
And hope for something good.
But past times have shown me,
Nothing is, as it seems.
People will let you down,
Sending you stumbling to a mind-controlling abyss.
But I can’t stop from hoping,
It will finally end in bliss.
I escort you from my mind,
Hoping you’ll never return.
But one glance is all it takes,
Till you’re right back on my mind.

Wake up from the dream

I refuse to make a huge list
And say this is exactly what I want from a guy,
That’s stupid and unethical.
Nobody’s perfect.
Go find someone who’s able to achieve every command,
I’d like to see you try.
What is perfect anyway?
Someone lacking feelings or any personality what so ever?
I don’t see many people choosing that,
Over an actual person.
This list just proves how committed you are,
And how much you are allowing yourself to be toward a person.
You might as well be locked away,
And call that your relationship.
I refuse to pretend like this perfect list will magically happen.
I won’t make believe the person with every dream quality
Will come falling out of the sky.
I don’t want that.
I want an imperfect person,
Someone to show me the little imperfections of life,
And allow me to be happy.
Because only then can someone come even remotely close to finding pleasure.
I don’t want a dream person in my life,
I want someone who can make me smile.
I want you,
With everything you lack.