I'm at such a dilemma.
I want to distance myself from you
But yet,
I don't want to lose you...

Every time I purge, I'm trying to rid myself of you...

Currently,
I feel no emotions;

I'm not weighted down by sadness and heartbreak
Because you're not around
But I'm not filled excitement and happy
Just because you're not around

Yes, I've let go of some emotions
But I still want you as a friend
So I've put a leash on my heart now,
Can you come back now?

The sad part is,
You can treat me
However you want to;
Because in the end,
You know that
I'll always be here,
Waiting for you...

My breathing is shallow,
The air is too thin,
The demons are screaming,
I think they might win.

My vision is blurry,
My heart rate is slow,
No therapy can save me,
I think I'm letting go...

The worst part?
You broke my heart
But yet I still love you
With all the broken pieces...

I never understood how one person could love two or more
Until I realized I was unknowingly doing just that,
I thought I had finally moved on from her
Oh, how wrong I was,
Jealousy enraged I became protective in my mind
I wanted to call her mine,
I wanted her for myself
But yet I could not have her,
So close yet so far away
For those boundaries could not be touched by friends,
So I guess I shall just remain in the background
A person to vent to and a third wheel,
The admirer who adores from afar
Your best friend...

I want to do things
Bad things;
Incredibly illegal things
That many look down upon
And reasons why friends leave you

I want to do things that'll label me,
Things that'll **** me quicker than I'm already dying
And things that could get me in trouble if I'm caught

I want to do unspeakable things
I want to sneak out,
Running around with random strangers in the night
Shaking from the thrill and fear

Sipping Angry Orchard and smoking blunts
My lips dance in sync with others
While hands roam;
I want to be daring,
I want to act dangerous,
I want to feel alive...

I'm not good with feelings...

One night where you can be whoever and whatever you want to be
A superhero, an animal, a princess - a dream

But some can be nightmares,
Crazed clowns and ghostly ghouls running about the streets
The thrill of scaring others merely a game to them,
Bringing an uneasiness to those around them filling them with delight
But we don't care
For those who dress up get rewarded with treats and snacks for trying to be someone we're not
Ironic really,
Identity theft, lying, and deception are looked down upon
Taught to us as wrong
Yet,
On October 31st it is encouraged
It's played off as some meaningless little thing
And it is
But if you look into it more deeply,
View everything from the perspective of a poet or a writer
And you'll see the small things;
Hidden little treasures for us dreamers to find
And our reward is a magnificent piece of art
A piece of literature where our words and thoughts are spread among the world
Where our words are only truly appreciated and understandable by other like-minded folks
And I suppose this is something only those people of my kind actually get...

You're
Pretty
Much
My
Most
Favorite
Of
All
Time
In
The
History
Of­
Ever.

Do you ever feel like people just forget you exist?

Twitching fits,
A long-term effect that messes with my father's ex-girlfriend
One second she's fine,
The next, jittering around like crazy
All because of an anti-depressant she was once prescribed

Right after I met her
And found out this knowledge
I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital
And prescribed anti-depressants of my own
They only made things worse

I soon noticed little ticks
That at the time only happened in my arms;
But soon it plagued my hands,
Running through my fingertips
And before I knew it
I developed a small issue writing;
I often hesitate before I write a letter
Glitching for a solid 5 seconds
Only creating a small mark over and over

Now I sit here,
Plagued with little ticks in my arms,
Glitches in my hands and fingertips,
And sudden jumps and jolts in my legs

We try to hide our feelings,
but we forget that our eyes speak...

I find myself so paranoid,
Looking behind me
And searching all around
My head on a swivel,
All because of some stupid words

Stupid words that make me so anxious
That I skip school
Because I fear running into someone else who read my words
Words that formed a letter that were meant for your eyes only
But now most of all,
I fear you

I should've known how things would turn out
I wouldn't have made a fool of myself
I should've known to not make new friends
I wouldn't have caused more issues for myself

Now I sit here paranoid as all hell
All because of you
And what you did in a few minutes...

Maybe
After I move
And I'm in a completely new place,
Accompanied by strangers and unknown faces
That live on unfamiliar streets among unusual buildings,
I can find some sort of new way to be happy,
Whether that just means being completely alone for many years to come
Or to find some new people to roll with,
Maybe being the new girl and the new neighbor
Will help me move on
Because seeing you every day reopens the wounds
And brings tears to my eyes
Knowing I messed up and ruined everything...

I paint flowers instead so they don't die...

And now you're just a stranger with all of my secrets...

I often see a boy whom I pass in the halls
It seems that every time I notice him
He also notices me;
Our eyes always find each other
Until we realize how awkward it is
And then we change the direction of our sight
But we part ways content with the other's presence;
As if we both check off our little run in off our daily routine schedule;

And we've done this since day one of this school year,
So when I noticed him yesterday I thought about if I ended my life
I thought about how people say you'll impact people you don't even know;
Those who don't even speak to you,
Maybe just someone you pass every day or even a secret admirer
So I found myself asking myself,
'Would it affect him?'
I still sit here asking myself that over and over,
'Would he be affected?'

Because maybe just us acknowledging each other helps him get through the day
Or maybe just seeing me helps him feel calm knowing familiar surroundings
Now I pass him in the halls and as our eyes catch the other's gaze I mentally think,
'Would you care if I was gone?'
As if this shy freshman can hear me telepathically and respond back
I wish I knew the answer...

I've been a bad girl
And it's a sad world

But even if I fall in love again
With someone new
It could never be the same way
I loved you...

Sometimes
My eyes
Begin to water
And I realize
I'm thinking of you
Again

You make it kinda hard not to stare...

Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?

Scribbled words to form a letter
A letter I gave to you in the hall when the bell rang at 9:28
I feared I was too late
That I missed you
Only to find you following right behind my friend and I
I turned behind my friend
"This is for you."
I awkwardly said
You smiled softly, and gently accepted it with a whispered
"Thank you."
I turned back now anxious
I pulled my padfolio up to cover my mouth shyly
I glanced back to see you intently reading
I feared your reaction
After all,
I'm just some random chick with purple hair who thinks your pretty and cute,
Who wants to get to know you more and be your friend
As we parted ways and I went downstairs I looked back one last time
I saw you smiling
I exploded with happiness and literally danced down the stairs
"I think I scored myself a new friend."
I told my friend who walked next to me still
After that I smiled like a weird fool in the library
A few seconds after sitting down I saw you add me on Snapchat
I thought things were okay and things were going well
Then I knew you felt I was weird
Nothing I did seemed to work it out or turn the conversation normal
Then my friend at lunch took my phone
She asked you to formal
Sent weird photos of me
Accidentally video called you
Sent some love stuff
And just completely humiliated me and crushed the tiny chance of being friends
I jinxed myself saying I might see you later
Because as soon as those words left my mouth
You rounded the corner
Our eyes locked and all I got was a small, uncomfortable, weirded out smile
I hit and pushed my friend who took my phone and did that
I screamed at her embarrassed and knowing that now everything was ruined
She laughed
She doesn't care and it's a joke now
I walked to class and sat here on the verge of tears
Everyone hates me
I'm meant to be alone and hated...

You were supposed to love me
To support and care for me all the time and for when I needed it most
You were supposed to at like an adult and a parent
But you obviously can't even do that right in life

I don't even want to call you dad
But I have to when I'm verbally talking about you because it doesn't sound right if I were to say father
If I were to call you father instead of dad then I'd be yelled at by family
But you're not close enough for me to willingly call you dad

When I do I cringe;
My skin crawls and my bones creak and ache
My stomach does flips and my mind sounds sirens
Because it's not right for me to use that name
You're nothing but a sick ******* in my eyes now
God, how could you do what you have done?
Think the things you did and still be fine with who you are?

I found out today why you were thrown back in jail again;
Why child youth services have been stopping by and asking all of these questions again
It's because you were talking to your ******* friend;
How you apparently had *** with a minor
And were talking about me,
What you wanted and had done,
Showing photos to your friend,
And discussing how you two could share me
What kind of father does that ****?
Who thinks of doing that to their own child - their own blood?

Now I just sit,
Thinking of how sick you really are and how much you disgust me
While I patiently wait for you're trial next month
So I can sit in that courtroom with a bitter glare
Praying for you to be thrown into a state penitentiary and that you get a 15-year sentence
Because as much as everyone denies it,
We made it this far
And we're all better off without you...

Trust me, I know exactly how it feels.
I know exactly how it feels to cry
In the shower so no one can hear you.
I know exactly how it feels to wait for everyone
To fall asleep so you can fall apart.
For everything to hurt so bad you
Just want it all to end.
I know exactly how it feels...

I wish I could write poems about myself
Saying how I'm a "pretty girl with a broken heart"
But I'm not.
I'm not a pretty girl,
And never will be
So
I just think about lines similar to that,
What I wish I was and could be
And then,
Find somebody else to make it about.

God help me, I've fallen away
The leaves are dancing on my grave

My biggest mistake wasn't falling for you.
It was thinking you had fallen for me too...

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?

You’re the main reason I want to live
But yet still,
The main reason I want to end it all
And it hurts like hell...

Maybe I'm not meant to be someone's crush...

I no longer love you
My heart has finally let go
I no longer love you
And I'm okay with that now

She can't feel her face...

We all feel lost sometimes...

Why must everyone turn on me at the same time on the same day
And kick me when I'm already down?

Silly girl, they hate you...