I didn't picture my day
turning out this way.
These four
decrepit walls
seem like it's spinning
like a carousel
in this calloused hell.
Maybe I should stop this.
Maybe I should refrain myself
from letting my vices
write my own memoir.
But I can't.
Not soon, and definitely,
not now.

Behind this fortress of brown bottles,
and stacked up cartons of cigarettes,
I feel safe.
I feel like I'm home.
I feel like nothing could cause me harm.
Nothing, could, harm, me.
Right?

The air around me reeks of burnt rubber.
I've imbibed for hours,
that I can't even hear my own thoughts.
I, must, be, safe.
I'm pretty sure of it.
It was always safe,
when I cannot be myself.

Never have I imagined
that it would turn out this way.
My lungs and my liver
wrings my insides
whenever the intoxication dissipates.
What should I do?
I could hear my friends
scampering about
on crepuscular corners;
Knocking on the door,
every time that I'm sober.

It's hard to breathe,
but it is harder
when you don't want to breathe.
Let this all end!
Don't let me get embraced by my friends!
I don't know if they are "them",
or if they are "I";
But for my sanity's sake,
please keep them away from me.
Please.
I'm already at my wit's end!

There! I could see them!
Looming on the corners of my sight!
Sneaky little pests. Heh.
You won't get into my head.
Just, one more bottle, I guess.

She is a mistress
that I call home.
Her frigid embrace is what I feel
when I'm completely alone.
Her deep,
dark
beady eyes
tantalizes,
and hypnotizes.
I try to move,
but I realize that I'm paralyzed.

Propped up in a purple velvet chair,
Her frost-bitten fingers
gently caresses my cheek.
Tears trickle down my tired eyes,
as she whispers agonizing melodies
down my ears.
Bliss and sorrow disappear after morrow.
Nothing is real but pain.

Long,
sharp nails
dig deep on my neck,
allowing a torrential downpour
of elegant sanguine essence.
Drained,
numbed,
dressed in a scarlet dress,
yet --- I could still feel her presence.
Laughing,
mocking me.
My lungs burn
as I desperately gasp for precious air.

My eyes roll back into my head,
with my mouth gaping wide.
Black tendrils bursts forth from my chest,
and asphyxiates me
'til the white crow
hops out of my vile maw
and flies away.
Away from this valley
of perpetual penumbra,
honey-less bees,
and barren apple trees.

She places a jeweled crown of thorns
on my head,
and hums me a woeful lullaby.
I shut my eyes,
and pus-riddled blood
starts to ooze out of my sockets
as I silently cry.
Then could I only remember
that I am the ruler of this domain.
This is my home,
this is where I reign.
No matter how hard I flee
from this bitter pandemonium,
she will always be in this conundrum,
as stubborn as corundum.

Now I remember who you are.
The memories fade,
but the feelings stay.
Stained emotions in the spectrum of gray.
A speck of rust on the Holy Grail.
You never fail to show when moments are stale.

My hinges crackle,
as I lift my left arm,
and erected my decomposing index finger towards Her direction.
Our eyes meet once again.
A furious conflagration
starts to emanate from my chest,
and extends to my extremities.
The silken blindfold starts to peel off.
I am finally free.
I am no longer bound to her reins.

A ****** of crows flock around me,
and circles around my throne;
displaying a magnificent show.
Feathers gleaming under the winter sun.
Feathers as flexible and strong
akin to a rapier.

They perch all over my body,
feasting on fattened maggots
and dead tissues.
Their wings flap in unison,
clearing the bitter air,
yielding warmth.

The rugged gale
forced dark clouds to drift.
Darkness' veil starts to lift.
Sharp,
ebony blades sprouts on my back,
forming wings.
Leaves emerge,
and flowers bloom,
on my crown of bramble.
What was once dull nails,
are now deadly talons.

She begged for mercy
when I stood from my throne.
Trembling at the majestic sight.
I strangle Her using my gaze,
and with a flick of a finger,
I commanded them to devour my assailant.

Her shriek echoed
throughout the valley,
'til she was no more.

She's destined to return,
for she is an extension of my soul,
and I am Her keeper.
She knows
to be wary
of the King of Crows.

Maybe they leave me
because I don't just love.
I crave.

I give more
than what this vessel
could offer.

But they---
they just waste it all.

Is it too much?
Is giving all your time,
effort,
and soul
too much for them to bare?

I gave it all, you see.
So don't blame me
if I turned into this---
hideous monster.

I'm tired of nights
where I cry
myself to sleep.

I'm tired of nights
of pointless fighting.

I'm tired of nights
of overthinking
what if's.

I'm tired of
unreciprocated love.

But needless to say,
I thank you.

Thank you for teaching me
that you could love
without being loved back.

Thank you for teaching me
that everyone's expendable;
so that I won't latch
from any abuse.

And most definitely,
I thank you
for breaking me apart.
Because hey,
I won't be where
I would be standing today
if it wasn't for you
desecrating my heart.

All I wish for
are nights
where my demons
refrain from
running rampant.

I want them
to sit still
and behave
as I savor
the gentle
early morning breeze.

I want them
to remain quiet
when I listen
to the sound
of nature.

I want them
to close their eyes
while I watch
the gleaming stars
from the
rooftop balcony.

Maybe one day
when everything
is in place.

A day where
I've cleaned up
all the mess
that I've made.

Maybe then
they've found peace
and would run away
with me
through mire
and tall grasses
together.

All I wish for
is to make
my soul
rest in tranquil planes.

Maybe one day.

Everyday,
I've gazed upon your enchanting visage.
Not the most beautiful of 'em all,
but there's something spellbinding
about you.
Like an iridescent pearl inside of an oyster.

Everyday,
I chant magnificent lyrics,
hoping that you could hear
harmonious melodies
that you've bestowed
unto my heart.
Beating --- slowly ---
at the march of your drum.
As if our hearts
are tethered as one;
intertwining our fate.

One hollows eve,
you've seen something special in me,
so you took a pair of scissors,
and cut my stem
from this rambunctious thicket.

I loved the feeling of your hand.
Warm, tender, yet firm.
It contrasts the bitter air
that latches onto your skin,
making its hairs stand on its end.
I could've made you feel cozy,
but sadly,
I didn't.

You took me to places
that makes my eyes water
every time I reminisce
about
us.

Do you still remember
when we went to the beach
with white sands
that feels like soft powder
on your skin?
A sunset that looks like
a vast canvass
watercolored with intricate brush strokes
of saturated rose quartz',
lilacs, and oranges.
Palm trees lined up for miles.
We've Imbibed on ardent spirits
while looking at the ravishing scenery.
How I've ached for this moment
to last
for more than one's own sweet time.

We headed off to your apartment.
After we've entered,
we took our jackets and scarves off
before heading to your kitchen.
You made hot cocoa
with tiny bits of marshmallows for you,
and iced americano for me.
We looked at each others iris'
as we talked for hours on end,
about life's devious plots.

Those eyes---
It's gentle, but at the same time,
you could see a great inferno
burning inside those scintillating garnets.
I know that it's a little unnerving,
but I'm having a hard time
resisting this unquenchable urge
to stare at it.

After our extensive heartfelt conversation,
silence filled the room.
Silence so sharp and numbing,
it could shatter glass.
In a heartbeat,
you've extended your hand,
so I held it.
Casted me a bewitching gaze
that made my heart skip a wallop.
Your cheeks turned into a florid tone,
and the nipping air
started to seem tranquil.
I could only feel this longing desire
of lovingly interweaving with your threads,
and so did you.

Stumbling about,
you dragged me into your balcony garden,
took a final look at my dilating visors,
before you started to inch towards my face, and clasped your cold, tender lips against mine.
My mind turned crepuscular,
as I held your waist tightly,
pressed my weight against yours,
and fervently kissed you
between this ragged concrete wall.

We slipped out of our clothes
like snakes shedding out of its skin,
and sprawled it all over the algid floor.
I carefully laid you on the sofa,
and gently nipped your delicate,
fragrant neck.
You dug your nails passionately
on my shoulder blades,
as I necked you from a gentle
to a rough pace.
Maybe I went too hard,
hence the noticeable congelation.
My lips slowly traced her neck,
down to her navel.
I could feel pain crossed with pleasure,
as you harshly tugged on my mane
while I gorged on your grand banquet.
We sat up and tightly embraced.
You enlaced your legs on my waist,
as I've cautiously entered your temple.
My love, we're one at last.
I could hear your gentle moans
as we heaved and weaved
through this concupiscent atmosphere
that we've invoked.
The longer this lasts, the more I could feel our bond growing stronger.

Two suns
finally reached its eminent zenith.
We laid on our backs,
desperately catching our breath
while laying on a puddle of perspiration.
We've gazed at each others' eyes,
and let out fits of giggling.

If only I knew that this would be
our final jocund moment together,
I would've savored it more.

Woke up with a note
stating that there's breakfast on the table.
Runny sunny side eggs, buttered toast,
and pan seared cherry tomatoes.
I would've ate
if you blessed me with you presence,
but I don't have the appetite
to break my fast at this instance.

I dressed myself, and grabbed my jacket
before I left.

Dusk turned into dawn,
and there's no sign of you.
I keep texting and ringing you up,
but to no avail.
I ended up falling asleep,
while looking at our pictures on my phone.

At my favorite café,
I was enjoying my morning brew,
but my vision turned blue,
when I saw you holding another rose.
Hastily, I ran up to you.
I was expecting a warm welcome,
but all I got was a cold shoulder.
You pretended that I was just another
blockhead rambling about.
After you brushed me off
and went your way,
my chest ached and my aqueducts opened to let excess tears gush out.

Every 3:00AM I wake up
to my heart thundering
and cold sweats;
turning breathing into a herculean task.
Memories starts to flood in.
I'm at my wit's end,
clinging onto the last fibers
of my sanity.

Gradually, my petals started to wilt.
Petal by petal
they fall off,
swaying in the air's gentle cradle,
before landing on autumn leaves.

Everything about you torments me,
but I'd rather stay,
than live without you.

What kind of monster are you?
You gave my world color,
when everything was monotone.
Left me without admonishment
about my cruel predicament.
Left me on the sidewalk,
feeling like trash.

Now everyday, I think about you.

Everyday, I long for you.

Everyday, I love you.

Everyday--- I'm dying slowly.

As cliché as it sounds,
I don't blame you for not loving me.
Because honestly,
sometimes,
even I find it hard to appreciate
the facade underneath.
Laughing behind layers of lies --- upon lies --- upon lies...

See,
you're a dazzling star with a bright future.
I'm a grotesque creature with lots of sutures.
To the gleaming horizon,
you can still go further.
My only domain
is this stygian abyss,
where even the golden strings
from the Heavens above couldn't pierce.
A place where crimson flowers wither,
is the only dwelling where I could slither.
As I watch you from here,
the distance
between our fingertips
grows farther.

We're beings of the same nature,
But we are of different elements.
I thought you were my savior,
but I got the bitter end of it.
In our future, I was so sure,
I cast the bait, you bit the lure,
and after you got
what you sought,
you left me.

For months on end,
I had to endure
the pain which your vocal *****
have conjured,
but rest be assured,
that one faithful day,
all of these crystalline sorrows
flowing out of my organic aqueducts
would cease to flow,
and shatter on my lap.
One faithful day,
I would find a tincture
to cure and soothe the festering wounds
that's making my core
throb in pain.
And maybe then,
death's sickly sweet allure
wafting in the air
wouldn't be tempting.

All I need is to wake up and smell the flowers.

You've set a bar that none could reach,
Left me wounds only you could stitch,
I could usually resist torture, but I got this flaming itch,
That I got in your orchard, later dumped in a grimy pitch.

Haunted by memories of the past,
A shadow weeping in the halls,
Floating around the corners,
Reminiscing our sunny, grassy knolls.

Conflicted by a silent raven,
With a song that shakes your core.
There will never be another maven,
That could manage this dusty store.

I wish that I could say that I don't love you,
But that would be a lie.
Hiking down a mountain of needles,
Isn't as easy as pie.

Just know that when I don't say I love you,
I love you.