Life is funny.
There is such
a thin line,
between good
and bad. Right
and wrong. Pain
and healing.

Today I hurt myself.
I watch my blood run
and I smiled. I smoked
a black and mild nice
and slow, thinking
about the benefits of
cancer. Dying.

Today I could have
stopped myself.  A few
breathes, a hot shower.
I could have left
my sharp edged friend
untouched. I could have
called someone to
enjoy feeling loved.

But I didn't.

Today I almost died.
Yesterday I did.
I wonder what tomorrow
Will bring me.

BANG!
quick breath no sudden movements
BANG!
screams heard throughout the hall
BANG!
blood splatters the window
BANG!
innocent lives gone
BANG!
hide in the closet
BANG! BANG!
no more teacher
BANG!
fifteen kids dead in one round
BANG!
three more dead on sight
BANG!
you take your life
BANG!
childhoods stolen.

when you look into my eyes,
do you see her?
do you see the girl you fell in love with?
Or do you see a broken silhouette where she once was?
you could have made her stay you know.
you could have made her feel alive and wanted.
you could have made her love every inch of herself,
every fiber of her being you claimed to love in the beginning.
what changed that for you?
was it when you found out she was different?
found out she had scars deeper than the grand canyons valleys.
found out she was used merchandise.
found out, that no matter how hard you tried you couldnt erase the memories.
skin inked with distrust and abuse.
no empty canvas was left for your saving fingerprints.
no room to spill kindness and love,
no room for change.
so you, just like everyone else shes ever known,
left her.
you packed your bags and got out while you could.
if you only knew the envy she felt towards you.
You see, you could pick up everything and leave.
while her baggage comes with a lifetime guarantee,
weighed down by skeletons in her closet.
she can not escape.
You left her.
broken, vulnerable, and dying.
So when you looked at her you saw it didn't you?
saw what makes everyone leave eventually...
*you saw her

Hard cold sweat beads dribble down the frame of my face
My mind in a frantic race against time.
Will I make it?
Will it be too late?
My body rounds the corner at full force,
smashing into nurses,
the contents of their trays now sprawled throughout the hallway.
No time to stop.
I must keep moving.
I make my way to the elevator,
too crowded, I head for the stairs.
Never stopping,
faster! faster!
Fifth floor.
sixth.
seventh.
eighth.
As I reach the ninth floor, I begin to sprint.
Not stopping.
All heads turn in my direction.
I am almost there.
Room 201.
202.
203.
As the spray painted silver numbers 204 flash in front of my face,
I bound through the door.
I am instantly numb.
The sight of you in a hospital bed,nearly lifeless, pale, and fragile, brings me to my knees.
Just a couples weeks earlier you were so full of energy, so.. happy.
As I walk closer to your bedside,
the full image comes into focus.
Laying there so still, so quiet, any slight change of breath would be noticed.
You have no hair.
A place where once my fingers loved to graze,
a place filled with endless complements,
Hair so blonde it would make the sun jealous.
I weep at your bedside.
Memories streaming down my cheeks,
drowned in the salt water flowing from my eyes.
I take your hand.
So cold, but yet so normal.
The one thing untouched by the cancer.
Your long fingernails, perfectly painted just the way you like it.
I gently kiss your hand.
You dont move, or even open your eyes.
But sure enough you smiled.
Not your big cheesy grin you always do,
but a smile so small, only few would notice.
A smile just for me.
And with that smile,
I whispered "I love you."
And you, the love of my life, so young, and so beautiful,
took your last breath.
With your last breath came a small draft of air.
And in that moment,
I swear I heard your voice carried through the room,
The soft tone of your voice whispered back;
*" I love you too."

Death the monster of the night
When it comes for me
I will be ready.
Letters I have sent
begging to be taken away,
have gone unanswered.
My scars
my "postage fees" are useless.
Death does not seem to listen.
I cry out for death to take me away
crying so loud even my enemies notice before he does.
I starve myself
Never eating,
but feeding off of the fantasy that I will encounter death soon,
and perfect my imperfections at the same time.
Death,
a bag of bones I lay before you.
End this pain.
take it all.
When you come death,
*I will be ready

You say actions speak louder than words
so why can you not hear my body screaming?
screaming for attention that you might turn your head.
notice me!
my wounds bleed,
drops staining the floor and you still refuse to see,
your little girl is dying, she needs you.
pounding on your door, open up!
notice me!
pounding results in pulsing headaches,
pulsing headaches result in pain.
pain is happiness, but only when self inflicted.
I cant play this game with myself any longer,
I call out for you,
notice me!
time is running out,
my mind paces I feel it might never stop.
Voices growing fainter with every slice of this metal demon.
Soft breezes whisper,
nooooticccee meeeee
the breeze stops,
I can no longer hear the cries from with in the depths of my soul...
**you noticed me

The mirror always wins.
showing images you never wanted to see.
hiding doesnt exist.
the mirror holds nothing back.
violently shoving unwanted graphics into the open pores you once called eyes.
not eyes anymore.
eyes are to see with.
your eyes are brainwashed and turned against you.
burning.
eyes trained to burn through cement.
seeing every ounce of fat you try to hide.
nothing can protect you from yourself.
pound by pound.
ounce by ounce.
your eyes discriminate against you.
deathly,poison, your worst enemy.
*mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fattest of us all?

Deep, dark and numb inside
My broken thoughts fall like pieces of shattered glass
Crashing at my feet with the rest of my world
Scarring up my skin as they drop
Forever marking me as something obscene

                                                                              Locked away pain,
                                                                            Makes the best smile.
                                                                         I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                           Leave you untouched.


While shaky fingers stitch me together
Pills make pain fade like magic potions
A wonderful shade of grey settles in my brain
The best I can hope for, all things considered.

                                                                           You’re really trying,
                                                                              I guess I will too.
                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                         Leave you untouched.

Tempting old habits make my skin itch
Pleading the best kind of medicine
The pain that will send me high out of grey
But under watchful eyes it’s pointless to dream

                                                                     You’re sounding so happy,
                                                                        How can I not be too?
                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                        Leave you untouched.

My rolling stomach won’t stop yelling
My racing thoughts won’t slow down
I could use a dose of you more than ever
But instead I’ll swallow hard and try to sleep

                                                                       I’ll smile for you always.
                                                                       I’ll leave you untouched.
                                                                       Safe from my madness.
                                                                       Safe from my hang ups.

I am not a godly soul.
I am no fool to be told:
when to pray and how
to act. Breaking my back
for some divine pact.

But without god,
where are you?
Does that mean your
soul has withered, too?
You have passed
without us meeting.
But when I'm ready,
will it be you I'm seeing?

Or are you simply
bled and flushed.
Kicked out of my home
much too rushed.
My structures could not
bear your life. You're
cradle broke, despite my
plight.

I am not a godly soul.
No book of hypocrites
can tell me no.
I don't search for answers
in the form of prayer.
But I'd believe in god,
if I could have you here.

a few miniscule sips turned to gulps.
gulps gradually turned to chugs.
chugs turned to *****.
still you werent sober.
still you grabbed your keys and got into your car.
15 miles per hour turned to 30.
30 turned to 50.
Stop lights turned to red.
Stop signs became mere red dots flashing the canvas of your peripheral vision.
nothing could slow you down.
nothing could tell the car awaiting the next turn, that you were coming.
you were coming and you werent stopping.
faster!faster! a lead foot on the gas pedal.
closer! closer!
BAM!
lives instantly taken.
fun turned to hell.
living turned to dead.
lesson learned?

I lie on the floor
paralyzed in utter disgust
my mouth moving silently
for the words aching to come out
you know.
your mind intertwines with my own
your ears traveling through my brainwaves
listening
always listening
for what i think
you know.
You know dislike cannot compare to what i feel for you.
For what you did to me.
what you took from me.
convinced me to give you my childhood.
sealed the deal with a kiss.
the kiss of judas.
why sound like a broken record
repeating your violations against me
only to let you relive them.
why do i bother.
for what i think of you,
what you did,
you know.