All untold
All kept inside
A little, small s e c r e t
Told a lie
And as it was whispered
Right through the lips
Carried by the air
Blown in the wind
Right through their ears
Right out their mouth
The s e c r e t once kept inside
Has now begun to sprout

Here, take my bag of bones and burn them
Make me disappear
Without a trace
Of my existence
You won't miss me when I'm gone
Just admit it
I'm not wrong
Bury me alive
So I can live in darkness
Just for a little while
Until my lungs fill up with blackness
And my cuts are sealed with dirt
And all I'll see is darkness
No more living in hurt
And they say and do things
That slide off my shoulder
But day after day
Those things become boulders
That block my path
from moving forward
So I must break away
Run away
Stay away
And hopefully never return

The things I choose not to convey
Unless the tune is right and the ear buds are positioned.
The sound bounces off the walls of my skull
And I take it with super sonic delight.
I rage and I swoon and I mourn to the beat
To last out a thought I never wish to be complete.
It stifles the screams I lock behind my wide spread grin
And make the grip of my hands release.
If I can create the music on my own
I could share or hide with subconscious intentions.
So if I press the notes of a melody to your face
And insist that it portrays certain passages that I've yet to explain,
Please don't look at me with intolerant obligation
Simply because it doesn't suit your taste.
Take it with stride.
Take it with an open mind.
My insight is clearer with the words of others
Who are brave enough to conjour their lips to move.
To let their tongue loosen and flip the bird
At those who are scornful enough to correct their prose.
In my head is music
And my mouth in constant motion to it's sway.
It breaks my my heart in silence
When that music refuses to play.

Open eyes
Check
Stand up straight
Check
Sit back down
****...
Pull the covers back on
****.
Check the web
Fine
Hear some tunes
Alright
Open eyes
Check
Stand up straight
Check
Empty bowels
Check
Sit in the shower
Oh no
Fall asleep
****
Freezing and wet
Awake
Force myself to shake
Awake
Get dressed and contemplate
Check
Invent a list for the day
Check
Sit on couch
****
Netflix has a new show season
Just a couple to start the day
****
Pull the covers back on
****
Eat something
Check
Walk a dog or look in the mailbox
Move
******* move
Too bored to think
Too lazy to speak
Too drained to creep
A zombie trapped in this house for weeks

I'm sorry my music is much too loud.
It drowns out the voices that pulls me apart.
I'm sorry my clothes are too baggy, tight or displeasing to the eye.
It's all I'm allowed to get out of the crowd.
I'm sorry my language is abrasive and blunt
And perhaps not too kind and respectful as it should be.
I had to defend myself since birth and raised my voice to be heard.
I'm sorry my motivation is shot to hell
And it appears that I don't even try.
The opportunities I searched for have all been shot down.
I'm sorry the person I am doesn't fall into your generation scheme.
I have problems falling into place with my own.
I'm sorry my views of god, politics and people are askew.
I assumed then didn't notice me when their hand was absent in my life.
I'm sorry that I failed your expectations of how I would turn out.
I'm sure the expectations you persevered
Required a lot of hard work that was followed by success and acceptance by all.
I'm sorry that you're so tired to see
The kind of person I could be.
I'm sorry that you push me aside in youth
Because you didn't want to take the time to teach me.
I'm sorry if your plans of your future
Are just as dissapointing as mine.
Is wasn't my intent to deprave you this show.
I'm sorry...but I expected more from the generation that raised me.
I'm sorry you created misguided youth and then punished them for following suit.
And once I am done apologizing
And wasting my years on reckless escapes
I'm sure I'll come down to your point of view
And neglect and forget who I'm meant love and protect.
I don't expect to be catered to when I'm older and exhausted
By those I shoot a disdaining eye.
I might have encouraged them to offend me so
But, knowing that, at least I won't be surprised.

As a child I would play
On my mood swing everyday.
It still new
And hardly frayed
It would take me up and back away.
If someone pushed me up
I'd say
"This is such a beautiful day!"
And if some stole my swing from me
I'd sit and pout
In childish melancholy.
A few years passed
And my mood swing stayed.
I stared at it but hardly played.
I'd sometimes think
"Maybe today
Will be the day my mood swing breaks."
My mother's tears
And my father's rage
Would make my mood swing
Lose it's sway.
My brothers and sisters would look away
While by myself
On my mood swing I would pray.
"Please just push me up again
Make me smile
Be my friend."
In my teens I never glanced
At the swing
It being rusted but not collapsed.
I used it for another wish
Like hanging with friends
Or sharing my first kiss.
The slightest breeze could push it now.
I never had to be in the seat.
In memory I'd see it go up and down
And the ground would never meet my feet.
I gripped the chain
And laughed and screamed
My feelings were transfered
Into that swing.
Then I changed into my adult like skin.
So grown up
I thought I knew everything.
My mood swing was for childish work
And I'm too big
Too much of a naive ****.
I swung myself
As high or low as I'd command
Thinking I had the control all in my hands.
I figured all who we're passing me
Would assume me swinging high
Swinging free.
Unknowing that my mood swing
Was swinging me.
Until those times I'm swung too low
My feet would catch
My adrenaline grow.
I fell so many times,
Looking back on my method then,
It's wasn't as easy as it was at 10.
Of course someone was helping me.
Now my swing is jerking me
It feels too small when I sit in the seat.
I don't go as high now like I used to be
I can only move if I kick my feet.
My mood swing made it so long without defeat
But I have awhile to go
And I'm not confident as it squeaks.
What if my children want to play on it someday
And I give them my swing in disarray?
I've long forgotten how to play
On my mood swing
In the way.

First sighted love
Fills my chest
Warms the core.
Quiet conversation
Hearing words
Learning more.
Brushing hands
Touching lips
Hands gripped firmly around my hips.
Laying down
Fighting the urge
Pushing the envelope just a little more.
Feel the chill
As we exhale.
Craving touch
Inside ourselves.
Time goes by
Replay
Words to fill the time away.
Trying to think of things to say.
Help me keep the heat aflame.
What to watch?
What to do?
Of course I'm not getting bored with you?
Should we fool around some more
Or are you tired?
Cuddle on the floor?
Have you heard this joke before?
Do you feel like eating out once more?
Loving still
Without the thrill
Give it back
We're not yet filled.
We've come so far
To walk away.
Maybe we just need a day
Or two or a week.
Let me miss you
Craving to hear your voice to speak.
He's just a friend.
Who is she?
They seem so very different
From me.
I didn't mean the things I said.
You won't allow yourself
To be comforted.
Parted ways
And still it burns.
Keeping tabs
But pictures turned
Into ashes.
Where is he?
Did she leave?
Our friends just won't stop asking.
******* stop reminding me.
Finding others to fill the need.
Days, weeks and months wander astray
Since seeing your face turn and fade away.
It sparks a bit
But only just.
I pray it's doused and it must.
Random message
Just checking in
Hope you're happy
How have you been?
Feeling it being lit again.
First sighted love
Fills my chest
Warms the core.
Quiet conversation.
Stay aflame
Let's do this again.

It's defective,
My brain, that is
It has a habit to a glitch.
It lies, it spies, it can't commit
To one direct form of dialect.
It has a virus
It has a stitch
I tried to upgrade
But Apple's a *****.
It makes my senses
Lag and pitch
A high screeched tones
That splits my lips.
It shakes and buzzes when left on too long
Skips and twitches
Repeating songs.
It makes my body act out without permission.
I flip the bird when it wasn't my intention.
It even has a blue screen of death
When I consume too many alcoholic contents.
It shuts down and freezes and gets hacked into
On occasion.
Changing a password won't fix that situation.
It likes to steal the identities of others.
The clown, the harlot
The concerned mother.
The *****, the snitch
The one who makes you shudder.
It makes the truth into a lie
It's steals the light out of your eyes.
Should I plug it back in
For a little more life?
Or throw some water on it
And let it short circuit fry?
Or let you mess with it
If you have the IT wise?
If you reboot it soon
Maybe you can make it "vroom"
Make it purr and function without a hitch.
What can you do with my cerebral glitch?

So you're that voice
That tempts me to look over
The flawless space between me and the ground
In very high places.
You're the twitch of my hand
On the steering wheel
That's whispers for me to drive over.
You're the calming acceptance
That it all could be over
For the tangible reasons
I have yet to discover.
You're the knife in in my hand
And the few seconds of consideration
When my friend's back is turned to me
And I hover.
If I answered the call
Who would I be?
Dare I turn into someone else
Someone much like me?
The lapse of thought
Described as inhuman
I couldn't possibly be
The only one who hears the calling.

It takes a minute to hear your voice.
To place a dream and waking willingly apart.
I turn and search for a rectangle device
That's been left burning all night.
"Wake up baby"
Electric sounds.
I turn and curve at his gravitational sound.
Lift it in my hands to see
My waking love
Waking me.
I should worry about radiation
That's pouring into me.
But he's worth the worry
Just to see.
"Tell me all about your dreams"
Still foggy I comply
And let the poison drip out of me.
He moves from room to room
And he carries me.
While I lay in bed and follow.
"How many eggs? 4 or 6?"
And I make a choice for his nutrients.
5 isn't right cause it's uneven.
46 is way too much.
I choose a moment and smile at him
While he stirs the contents of his cup.
A glance from clocks to me
Debating on wether he should leave.
"Don't be late or stay with me?"
But staying means more radiology.
I fall in step with his morning routine
Without ever moving from my waking scene.
I kiss the screen and he kissed me
Voicing love so lovingly.
Reconnecting every morning.
I'm sure it easy when he's snoring
To let the device burn all till morning.
I fell asleep with his face in my hand
Though, I could not touch and I could not grab.
"I call you when I'm driving back. I'll see you later on tonight. I love you, sweety. Have a good day"
And then we wave and press a red button to start our usual days.
And never moving once,
The pillows I bury my face in go flat.
I dare not fall back to sleep.
Because on my device he might message back.

Smoking kills
But it looks so cool.
Fashion means letting
The tar to pool.
Drinking makes the mind go numb
So who cares if my words
Are slurred and dumb.
Come on
Just a little fun.
Getting high
Make me fly.
Just hit me once and say goodbye.
I can stop whenever I choose.
So give me a lighter and let me lose.
Start off slow
Feel my body rise.
Addictions hold no real surprise.
They think it's hott
When a girl can fry
To a needle or snort or puffing prize.
You don't want to know my mind.
The wonderland
The ****** skies.
The memory of bloodshot eyes.
Just let me out of my skin tonight.
The scars you see are accidental.
Accidentally feeling with sharpened metal.
Drag it down so I don't get mental.
You don't want me sentimental.
I can fight for no good reason.
The blood tends to boil
With the humidity of the season.
Hit me back and get in personal.
I can take the skin covered bone
I'm versatile.
I ran with the gun wielding people.
Earn some respect and still get riddled.
They love a chick with hard forged metal.
As long as I'm not hurting you
I get away with ****** and die a couple times too.
I can stop whenever I choose
So light me up those cancerous fumes
And let me choose.
Come on
Just a little fun
It's not hurting you...

Look at me
I can dress so well
I can walk like ******
I can not notice it at all.
Listen to me
I made you laugh
Aren't I so funny?
Just my personality, I suppose.
Touch my skin
Ain't it grand?
I work out 3 hours a day
And still think I'm plain.
Give your opinion
Of how you feel about my existence.
Oh gosh, you're too kind.
Of course I'm not THAT shy.
Lean in to kiss
Watch me pretend not to notice.
Don't you love that you want me?
Can I borrow a buck?
Of course I'll pay it back!
With a face like this
I hardly have any spare change.
Only the newest trends will do for me
I want the brands to never age
Like me.
Say I look 20 not 33.
I have the options to make men into brothers, lovers or friends
But for some reason I'm still constantly searching.
Why are those girls looking at me so jealously?
Their lack of confidence ain't bothering me.
Bitter little girls writing about me in their sad bits of poetry.
I don't ask for attention
It just follows me.
It's not like anything bad
Is catching up to me.
I have him by my side
But he catches my eyes wandering.
3 minutes in the joint and 6 has already been caught checking me.
Oh my god! This song reminds me of
ME!
Let me dance to it while I pretend to be offended by someone grinding up on me.
Don't hate me cause I'm doing me.
Wait.
Why aren't you looking?