spent
went everywhere

Lost
afraid; I went
faster
propelled into an unknown direction
kept going
"**** look at that!"

once found satisfaction
try try try again

a mess: a blur
a loving kind of videotaped ******
a violent *** spur
no idea what I'm looking for
And until I find it
try try try again

try try try
try try try
try try try

it's over.

no novocaine, no experience
the nurse on break
tells me to "wait right there."
the big lights above the pleather chair
my pale skin illuminated and glowing
under rays of white white light -
and I'm tied down like a
banded submissive
to a blacker than black chair

it's only me and invisible monsters
in a game of
cat mouse tick tock
tick tock

sweating, I realize I must move
there's no other option for this lab rat
I feel like
All I've ever been, is here -
sprawled out in the open
hand choked of blood and oxygen

I cannot take this
   I cannot take this!

Something in my mind turns off
Something in my mind turns on

I chew the soft parts away easiest
it slides in my mouth
my teeth are cold and wet now
Chattering and lurching sounds
come from my mouth & teeth
as the splinters of bone
crackle away in my bite.
It took either a minute or a day
But it was over.

And so,
I left it there
tied to that black chair.

I opened the glass-paneled door with an exit 'bing',
and I was happy I never met the Doctor.

Suppressing the truth,
leaving everything to the unconscious mind,
I still lay on the bed by your side,
continued losing my dignity, hopes and dreams,
I stay beside you just to make a living.

Sacrificing my own happiness,
still managing to make a smile,
when I'm with you, I hold back my tears,
just to make you satisfied,
I fulfill your wish.

Killing myself and losing everything,
You clench my neck, I choke to death,
I grasp for air to make a living,
I **** myself to survive.

I walk towards the roads of the darkest paths,
Where light of silver moon is nowhere to find,
With no hopes and dreams and morning light,
Only sorrows and agony, and despair.

Darkness swallows my thoughts and will,
And shadows crawl hiding my strength
I hid between the night and day,
With nothing but dreams taken far away.

My hopes had dried, no rain to fill,
Wounds of broken pieces no chance to heal,
'cause each day my world is engulfed by darkness,
No hopes, no dreams would grow in me.

I get high to get by.
It's the only way I see,
to ease the pain that's slowly
growing inside of me.
My friends can't stand the change,
they give me misguided looks,
they seem to look at me
like my face is full of hooks.
I hate to see them judge me,
but they don't really know,
I've found a path to happiness,
but it seems so false and slow.
They think I'm like a stoner,
smoking myself to space,
but really, I'm a loner,
looking for an embrace.

The only place I feel safe,
is tucked inside his arms.
I feel like a helpless waif,
so in need of his charms.
Cuz my parents bring me down,
and I'm unsure of my friends,
could anyone accept me,
without going through a cleanse?
Cuz I'm done with faking happy,
for everyone else's sake,
this little slice of happy
is for me, only, to take.

I don't know how to tell you,
that it's so hard to get by,
and if there's one thing that I've realized,
it's that I only smile when I'm high.

Your eyes speak to me every time
you see that beautiful lady across your house,
And all I do is smile back
when deep inside my heart I'm drowned
with painted fake happiness that I show to you.
My ever-loving reserved smiles and kisses
have come into waste when you told me you like her
and I became more broken the day you told me
it's her you want to court on and spend the rest of your life with.

I asked myself what are those for?
The care you rendered to me,
The soft - spoken words you whisper in my ears,
The days you took me to restaurants and movies
And the nights and days you held my hand tightly,
never wanting to let go.

Why do you have to do such things
when you'll only leave me broken, anyway?
Am I just for fun or a dummy that you are practicing on?
How could you do such things and leave me like this?
How could you do this?

The moments we had under the silence of the night,
When the rain suddenly fell on my head,
and you'd say you hate rain but I say it feels good
to have gentle rain at night and look at them dancing
on the sides of the street lights.
Those moments when we looked at each other's eyes
and felt the silence, hearing only the rain's sound as it fell on the pavement.
When you've almost told me you love me,
(as what I've thought)
And I too, about to say it if you've only told me first.
Those moments, when I wished my fantasy of me and you would come true.

But now I've awaken to the truth,
I'm the only one who felt it,
The sound of the ringing bells of love,
The sweet music that I hear everytime you're by my side.
It's only me.
Just me.

How could cupid be so unfair?
Can you tell me at least?
Why does he have to hit his arrow only to me with your
name on it and you've been hit also but having hers instead of mine?
Isn't it unfair?
Tell me.

I love you, you love her.
You only love me as your friend,
and I guess here it will all end.

Stupid cupid!

I see her tears falling,
and I feel how much in pain
she is upon looking at
her sad, sadder and
saddest face.

She's got raccoon eyes,
so deep and sad, sadder
and saddest eyes.

I could feel what her heart
is saying,
I could feel every beat of
the sound it makes,
And I feel so sad, sadder
and very, very sad for her.

I looked at her,
And her face is so familiar,
Then I was back to my senses
and realized that
all I see is me.