If I were to write you a letter
the first thing I would do is let you know of all of your flaws
Every single one
Next I would tell you how much I loved them
If I were to write you a letter
I would retell the stories you once told me and
recall each moment where I thought I'd loved you
If I were to write you letter
I would write in pen so that nothing could be erased
each mistake was left alone, as it was, kind of like me
Throwing around 26 letters in certain ways to express my perception
How on our first date, I wish I'd held your hand
How we never bluntly explained our feeling, somehow we just knew
How every time I saw you, I could easily, without second thought
just run up to you, interlock our bodies together for a few seconds
and ask how you were, or how your day was
Now I can't anymore...
The fact that I can't even speak to you anymore,
that's what kills me the most

I never imagined that I would still be in so deep
That the sound of your voice would still be playing in my head at night like a record
That I would still drown in your eyes every time I looked into them
That your smile would melt my insides
Talking to you was like walking on tight rope
One wrong move and I'd fall
Maybe even further than I'd ever fallen before
Praying that hitting bottom would hurt a little less than the last time
I will never forget each of our memories
The way you were so desperate to know what was going on inside of my head
The way I was so desperate for you to stop asking
How I wanted to kiss you but on the other hand I wanted you to kiss me
I still dream about the taste of your lips
And the silk on your hands
How each breath you breathed out was the same one I breathed in
I still have not forgotten your scars
The way you tried and I pushed you away
I pushed you away like a glass door that had the PULL sticker on it
I didn't know what I was doing
I forgot to read the message that was sitting in my phone that I had forgotten was there
But now the tables have turned
And I am the one that is waiting for you to answer my call
For you to take my hand and save me from this saltwater
Please don't let me drown
**Please don't let me drown

Today I thought about you
As I did yesterday and the day before that
How your skin is like velvet
Hair like burnt caramel
Boy with a kiss like a hand grenade
Boy with a touch like a paper cut
Boy with a voice like a church choir
Boy I fell in love with in 2 weeks
At the age of 14 it was easy to love you
I loved every piece of you
Treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen inside of a gas chamber
My love for you was so sweet some would call it cliche
Cupid didn't have an arrow large enough to fit this love
You were the first boy to make my palms wet just by walking into the room
Until I took it too far
Finding myself on a bedroom floor
He loves me... He loves me not
I let you have the remote control to my smile
I realized I was never letting myself cry as much as I needed to
You were the boy who I would spend all day getting ready for
Loving you was the last thing I thought I was good at
Until I started replaying these memories like scatched up DVDs
Broken, glitching flashbacks
Your name engraved in my heart and mind
Your voice being the anthem of my soul
Your smile being my favorite picture
You being my favorite tragedy
Today I thought of you
As I will tomorrow and the day after that

I never knew if you were so in love with me it hurt or if you never loved me at all

Left and Right
Two completely different things
But my love for you
Is neither left nor right
My love for you is in between
My love for you is snow when the sun is out
My love for you is a clean house with muddy floors
My love for you is a shooting star without making a wish
Confusing maybe
But real
My love for you is is indifferent
But my love for you is real

You didn't say goodbye, but you didn't say hello either
It's like waiting for an alarm to go off
Then suddenly realizing you never set one
I'd like to think that you think of me, maybe
When the world gets really quiet
That the silence would remind you of my heartbeat
And steady breaths
Sometimes, that you would remember my hands on your chest
My hand in your hand
Do you ever think of me at all?
Or and I just footsteps in the snow
A grain of sand on a beach
Cliche song lyrics that you don't bother to listen to anymore
I guess that I understand
I was always the rough draft
But tomorrow
Under your pillow will be the memory of a girl
Who really did love you
One that has moved on
One that has forgotten
One that does not think of you anymore

If I were to describe you
I would write for days
Write until my hand goes numb
Write until my lead runs out
Write until the paper I wrote on had covered every blank space
I could write books about you
and how I felt for you
and how I wished you knew
and how I wished I could muster up the courage to tell you all of the things that I refused to let out of the bottle
You are a the red light that I always end up running
You are the punchline to my favorite joke
You are the chorus to my favorite song
You are light that wakes me up every morning
But you are also the thick darkness that puts me to sleep
Waking up to damp pillows and cold coffee
Too cold to get out of bed
Too scared to face the truth that you really have forgotten me
A broken pencil and a trash can full of ripped pages
I woke up every morning asking myself the same question
Hoping for the same answer yet knowing that it was all just a lie
You have taught me to lie to myself and believe it
I look at you and my knees go weak
Your eyes drown my entire being in a warm sea of blue and green waves that never fail to crash in the exact same place
Your lips carry me away so peacefully and swift that I forget where I am, that forget to stop staring, that I forget that we don't even don't even speak to each other anymore
If I were to describe you
I don't know exactly what metaphors I would use
And I'm not sure I would ever be okay with you reading it
But of everything I have learned from being around you
whether I am with you or not
I know that every word I write
is never the right one
Every word I write
is **wrong

It's not that I hate you because I truly do not
And it's not that I want you to move far away because I don't think I do
And maybe it's not that I want you to never smile again
Because everyone deserves to see sunlight indoors sometimes
I just want you to stop coming around
But then again I wish you were closer
I am so indecisive with what I want from you
I want you to go away but I'll still crave you all the time
And I want you to come back but what if you leave
Loving you is walking on a tightrope with no safety net below me
And every few seconds you wonder what would happen
would anyone catch me
if i just slipped up
and fell

if only I had the second chance
if only the cards were in my favor
if only life were as simple as air
I promise that I would love you
like I have always wanted to be loved
I would give you my sole endeavor
to always keep you smiling
I never want to see a distorted disposition
you deserve to be happy all the time
so if I am not included in your happiness
that is okay
just as long as you are
always
**happy

You and I
We are indifferent
We are dumbfounded by feelings
We are two people in the same room with nothing to talk about
Confounded by misunderstandings
Believing the lies while choking on the truth
We are two people who never wanted to face the concrete reality
Always wanting the other one to speak up first
You and I
Sitting in silence

like falling into a pool of ice
the sudden shock is overwhelming
the sharp needle like stinging
constantly getting tighter
closing tight like locked jaw
clenched fist, gripping air
you are my winter water
you make me go so still
I almost don't exist
*I almost do not even exist

You are a rose, so beautifully arranged into sweet succulent taste
So mouthwatering and compassionate
Yet every time I bite into you there is blood in my mouth
Because I always forget
That even the most beautiful rose
Has thorns

Sleepless nights fill with incompetent infatuation
and drunken bewilderment
igniting white sticks of numbness
to grip all of our pain in one palm
and take it away
in a quick instance
Hoping that maybe tomorrow you will
feel a little less pain
But when you wake up
in a painful daze
with smudged make-up on a white pillow
and cold coffee
Confused as to why
It Still Hurts So **** Much