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 Jan 2020
winter
If I can sing
however that may be
my soul as a poem
will never end
I will never die
for performance
is my eternal thread
when the conscience
descends into a string
the ring will still be there
 Jan 2020
winter
I have an optimistic take
on applying string theory
to the afterlife
that there are forms in which
I can give my living body
to oblivion
as a prerequisite
to the potential disintegration
of my string of thought
that it will be reduced
to only a string
and with a voidal imitation
I am already easing my way
 Jan 2020
winter
I hear a noise that is simple
a ringing that may suffice my temper
If I can find the substance
which allows my mind to whirl
like a spool un-spun,
dissolving into a single thread
the single point that I believe myself
to descend into mortality
and rid of my own conscience
My, spine, undone, will lead my way
through an abyss of my own creation
to part from myself and love the soil
to become the roots rather than possess them
it is a dream that I will have only now
a fantasy that will die together with me
until I am no longer together myself
but an unending string, webbed in coincidence
with a prayer on my tomb,
and the earth on my lips
 Jan 2020
winter
It isn't paranoia
but the fear that has been following
Waiting for my word and for my pen
premonitions of the sword
that which men may have sheathed
though their waists still not unscathed
The lack of rhythm in each year
however steep the run can be
November always seems
to be the downbeat
It does not care whether we've moved on
or whether we cared at all
Still it holds you to that point
and it dares you to speak
inversed by the genie
of the very next morning
I did not mean, and did not wish
to find the pulse within my own
living, breathing, grieve-ish
body in disguise of a person,
in disguise of a tomb
I regress while you digress
and it can only be unfair
that I am worn, but I'm extended
apprehended by the likes of vacancy
and vacancy alone
I tell the tale to the dirt itself
the rubble I intend
to sink within and sink without
a means to any end
no mighty sword to **** the pen
where the pen has left my hand
where Divinity's demands
demand for more
than the sword
and the pen
who cannot bargain for his own
and cannot bargain with no hand
I will not pick it up
for I refuse to understand
the purpose of a Lord
and the meaning of command
where I am to live
in place of those who wish to
and I am to speak
to ground in those who can't
and the rhythm is lost
and the gateway is clear
that something new was meant for me here
&from nothing, I'm now bound to believe:
without the pen, the hand is clean
 Jan 2020
winter
I’ve lost my narrative
 Jan 2020
winter
I am a vessel
for what, I do not know
 Jan 2020
winter
“It’s been a rough week”
My freshman english teacher
and my freshman debate coach
both look only to me
as an affirmation,
as opposed to a reminder
that it hasn’t only
started this week
 Jan 2020
winter
i’ve lived for so long already
feels like i’m already dead
 Jan 2020
winter
my worst fear
is to remain conscious
after death
that's how I'm feeling now
 Jan 2020
winter
if I am not bipolar
then I cannot be saved
 Jan 2020
winter
my youth was stolen by my love.
I brought myself to life
and paid the price.
I remember the moments
when my heart wasn’t beating,
a moment of you between the beats.
I change the story every time
but that one moment remains

I will age with it & die with it
my chant for when I sleep
and when I wake in the morning
I can’t remember how to cope with it
a journal by my bedside
to keep track of what to think
I cannot think, if not of you

My epitaph
my memoir

I crumble and become your absence
 Jan 2020
winter
how can I live blindly
are they hiding the fact
that there is nothing to see
 Jan 2020
winter
Futile
Is a good word for it
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