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 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
So, where now?
Where do we go from here?
When so much mistrust you've earned.
I want to know, need to know you are sincere.
And I to feel your love is real after all.
Don't speak, cause it won't happen with your voice.
It will not be words, woven into fantastic stories.
Because those lies, I've already heard them.
You are going to have to show it,
I'll feel it in your actions.
I'll know when it happens.
I'll taste the honesty of your tears.
If it ever happens,... I will.
And you will be happy, and content again,
I'll fell it in your intentions.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
Our Legacy is created when she,
Welcomes me then,
accepts me, letting me in.
Into the palace of all beings.
Where she, then,
Bathes me,
in a wonderful warmth
And she, loves me, she,
Makes me feel amazing,
She is so special,
Makes me so very grateful.
I spill forth and I am let free.
A ritual becomes complete
When she, then Following the pleasure,
She makes real now,
The very Proof to,
Everything, Legacies,
She creates this,
She is the way of things
Later it is felt,
and then later is seen,
She carries our future, she
Gives us our future,
Her gift is our treasure,
creation we will soon see.
Deeply beneath is the treasure,
She keeps safe, she carries,
A bid for kinds future,
she writes our next chapter,
One day she cries out,
She bleeds and provides all,
that ever should matter,
She births a Legacy,
A child arrives in laughter,
Made by her made by me
The way it’s always been.
Pray forever it shall be
As is the way to everything.
It is everything. Everything.
She is our Legacy.
With out her we won't be.
It is everything that matters,
Our Legacy, Comes from she.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
Me, I’m not the same
Not the enemy
Not to blame
Me, I’m not a lover
Not a friend
I’m not that man
Not in touch
Me, I am nothing
Maybe today I am
Maybe,
I am anything but,
Noticed
Me, I'm not seen
Not lost,
I am clueless, foolish
Me, I am surrender
Truly meant to be
Me, I am always
An ending to a chapter
Maybe, I am not
Might be I turn out, maybe
For me, I will always be
Just that,
Maybe.  That is me.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
just turned and started walking
on roads, side walks,
cobble stones...
into the sun, away from...
too much
i couldn't turn around if i tried
i wasn't ready
to face another day
turned
to chase
the day that was,
in a hopeless goal to take it back,
make it as it never played
that way...
just turned and the earth
turned under foot,
walking away,
the setting Sun
leading the way...
over stones,
through endless grain,
forests
and dead landscapes...
until the shores of the ocean,
Where i stood,
i fought the waves,
Where i lost
another day,
the poorest choice remained,
to turn around... accept
what was lost,
give up...
face the new days direction,
stay
or start walking
to the empty life that is
crowning
that horizon... what's gone
is done.
New days dawning.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
A pleasant feeling, almost like pride
but less, not a lot less,
just enough
that it is what it is
genuine and unexpected
my surprise
here where I've posted
my words?... Those times,...
I longed,.. I hurt,..
I listened to My inner most...
finding my mind in written form
in portions and pieces,
exposed and analyzed
emotions and reasons
written in desperation
the worst of the lows
loneliness behind most my posts
Self medication
through words, rhymes
Untrained and imperfect,
sometimes dr. suess'ish
thought of, drawn out, organized and submitted
to the purpose
of getting to know myself
bit by bit, line by line
in fragments
and avalanches
of brutal honesty
To lie, to oneself
is daily practice
encouraged by what we see,
listen to, and all the things we wish
we could buy, to fill the void
is to fail, to ruin
lies in the lines
i made real
the intimate, too personal,
my vital moments
times that I see myself
behind older eyes
a child that was good once,
I was special
just like so many others
I still hurt,
just like so many on this site
So many minds, so alike, so close
feeling alone,
with out each other
so we wonder, we think,
we write,
so they might
esteem like light
eases the dark
moods, beliefs,  
easing the hostility felt inside
I am, sometimes capable
of exceptional things
talented... I can create...
I log on here, and I read,
and I see others
so many minds, so alike,
without each other
they write, and they read
and I am trending?
my heart and hurt,
my highs and lows
the entire search of my life,
my reasons...
worthy of their time!...
and I am encouraged.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
You’re a beautiful fighter.
No other angel may compare,
In these eyes,
The one’s You gave me.
No heart have I known,
Bigger, kinder, genuine, gentler
No,… Nor any more unconditional
As is the way that you love.
As is the way of a beautiful fighter.
Mom, the day I found you,
Life having left you only moments prior,
I realized I’d never know another,
Champion already in my eyes,
A hundred times over…
Your strength, your will, your stamina, your devotion
Filled me, trained my body to react,
To fight back, so I tried…
I kissed your mouth and fed you air,..
Begging with encouraging yet pleading
words desperate, needed
Please mom, come back, not yet, I’m not ready…
Your tiny chest, in out of place wonder…
How could such a large heart reside there…
I pushed, I pressed I begged I kissed…
Fearing the worst but inside I knew better…
Because you Mom,
You Are A Beautiful Fighter.
This day you won,
Forever my champion,
I love you mom,
I have never been prouder than of you now,
Thank you for fighting Mom,
You never gave up, and I will never either.
Written the day that I found my mother and her heart had stopped...
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
I smile
because I am eager
To not disappoint
Because I don't fit
I Lie
I am a Liar
I say what is pleasant
Promises of tomorrow
Take the fall
Not because I'm a bad person
I'm thoughtful
Using little lies
White necessity
Like Everyone
using them When the truth
Like me, can hurt
instead I spare them
I'm so nice
I Lie
I am a Liar
I use the very same reason
for nobody but myself
most of the time
So I can hide it away
So fluent am I
In this art of deflection
Protecting the lesser parts of me
so selfish, so frightened
so embarrassed by my faults,
Short-comings, things I don't like
So I lie
I am a Liar
See me, I am perfection
So easily liked,
I am lovely, thoughtful, caring
Tell me from the lies?
I have lost the ability
Who am I?
I Lie,
I am a Liar,
Selfish, uncaring
Insecure and hiding my reasons
Concerned not, for others
Unless it's their judgements,
So I Lie,
to be, to fit, to please, to pretend
Who am I?
I won't answer that honestly
I Lie
I am a Liar,
I blend in beside them
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
Unexpected, eyes wide,
always finding time, for you
when you are around,
the muted world, its gray shade
doesn't seem so real.
Colors follow You...
As you move through  this place,
my eyes make time, for you...
Those times our eyes meet,
I am reintroduced to a place,
one so long ago taken away
full of light, and hues
every color so deep I might fall endlessly within
All of them clean, brilliant,
inspiring my eyes to see again
my mind to believe again,
my eyes, each time, every time
Find time for you,
like the colors you bring
my eyes follow you.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
Yes I know
how damaged I am inside,
How evasive my heart may be
I know about
those three words
how I believed
And the last time
the last person who used them
I know I believed
I Bought into the promise they bring
I thought Unconditional,
Foolishly open,
Three little words
the dreams they can bring
I know how they ruined me
these little words
that can mean too much
to someone such as myself
see I want and I need,
True love,
timeless and transparent
genuinly honest and unconditional
the world I see around me now
doesn't hold these things
I am old fashioned as
with old fashioned beliefs,
tired and worn out
Nothing is forever any more
everything, even love is thrown away
I can't change
so until four heartbeats,
one moment between,
the three words I spoke aloud
stunning myself as I stared at you
staring at me in silent disbelief
but i won't retract,
I will not joke or demean
I will not make excuses
or down play this
because I do
I honestly Love You.
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
shouldn't you know
couldn't you see
wouldn't I think
shouldn't believe
would if maybe
I couldn't see the angles
I wouldn't have controlled

what's done is all been foolishly over done
you occupy that unforgettable place
where all you become is my ruin
what to believe,
to what choice is left to turn on

shouldn't you know
couldn't you see
wouldn't I think
shouldn't believe
would if maybe
I couldn't see the angles
I wouldn't have controlled

what's done is all been foolishly over done
you occupy that unforgettable place
where all you become is my ruin
what to believe,
to what choice is left to turn on

fearing life's end is mute
what if to fear the suns sinking
then have the same scene each evening
you know the sun will return
what side do you choose to see
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
only goes it's one way
only goes,.. only goes,..
so pointless the routine

only goes,.. Only goes,..
never wanders, only goes,..
never strays,.. pointless,..

Only goes...
Going... always going,.. Away.
towards something,

only goes,..

Until it breaks...
This pointless thing...

never knows,..

What is waiting,..
Never goes, away,..

Never coming,..

only knows, it is not okay...
only knows, there is an end...

and the routine,...

Only knows,.. of not knowing,..
going only the one way...

until only one day,..

Only the end...
And then going

"Only going"
By:(jfehlmann
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
Sorry...
Feel the crushing weight of it?

Beyond this the wasted,  
the fake, wasted.

The sensation
of darkened moments awaiting
daybreak and understanding

our past is playing
Cords of silk,
strung to be strummed,
a gentle note.

The price is living,
cast out, caught up,  
Knowing it was you...

You blew it.
Images played out every evening

Bitter sweet
the rotten misperception

Each scene you,  
And suffered through to numbness

To hold this,  
my happiest of moments
Without being able to know it

I find myself lonely,  
My heart weighted...

Seeing the end,

Noticing it to be...
an essential moment
 Jul 2014
Jack R Fehlmann
Laying naked
Just beside, intertwined
Panting,  smiling,  lieing
another accomplishment of mine
To have it,  take it, ruin
Something so precious as a body
Another meat machine with needs
Deseases,  urges, weakness
Wanting only the fleshy salts and juices
I ****** you,  now you are...
Unless,...
So now if i grab your hair
I, confess these dark lustful urges
Beg, coherse, guilt work
Saddness then there is anger
Hurt,  and insecurity
Childish fear is that as is darwin's
To *******,  filling the vessel
To do as promised,  programmed,  built
So that when i am caught,
My life over and the gurney beneath
Shall an invisible piece remain.
But honestly,  right now...
I am arroused and you can feel it
Open your mouth,  i too gladly taste your fluids
I promise,  our secret,  just one time...
Penetrated and found it lacking
Spine,  self control,  or courage not to trade morals
right then, right there
I had you.
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