keep your mind
on a tight leash
because if you let
your thoughts wander
they may end up in the clouds
where your hopes
are in the perfect position
to tragically fall

i feel trapped inside of my feverish skin
and i wish i could escape it,
because i don't want to be myself today

i don't know why i'm so different,
why i feel so lonely and tired of living

yesterday, i was so happy and hopeful,
inspired and alive
i lit candles and sang along to the radio
and grinned and felt completely intact
but today, i'm in pieces
i feel hollow and meaningless
i don't get why my feelings change so quickly

it's like once i've wrapped my arms
around them, the wind picks them up
and carries them away, leaving me
with a heart full of unfamiliar emotions

i don't understand,
i just wish
i could figure myself out
sometimes

i've recently come
to the heart-shattering conclusion
that i do not
and never did
love you

i only loved
how you made me feel
on lonely nights

you behaved as if i put
the starts in the sky
the leaves on trees
the petals on roses
the fish in the sea

i loved it when you told me
you'd always be there

you lied when you said
you'd never let go of my hand,
and i lied when i told you
my hand was only made for yours to hold

because here i am,
without you by my side
and i think i'm going to be okay

i think i always knew
you'd eventually let go

tonight i miss you
more than usual
because i'm thinking
of all the times we stayed up late
and whispered hello to each other
through the darkness
and i had to stifle my giggles
beneath the covers

eventually we'd both grow tired
and you'd sing me to rest

listening to your voice
while i fell asleep
was the closest i'd ever come to happiness
your melodies echoed through
my dreams and they still bounce
off my walls on nights like these

thank you
for introducing me
to good music

whenever i listen
to ernest greene
i think of you
and it's not sad,
it's not me missing you
or wishing things
were like they used to be

the thoughts
that are attached
to those songs
are happy
because i'm happy
i met you
even if now
we only speak
from time to time

you'll always be
a happy memory
and those are rare
to come by

you can either
keep yourself up at night
wondering
          "why me?"
you can hide under your covers
and tell everyone
you're wrong and you'll
never be right

or you can see all this
          heartbreak
          pain
          conflict
          imperfection
as an opportunity
to emerge from the concealed depths
to the gleaming luminescence
and become stronger

it is your choice to decide
whether to drown in your troubles
or to courageously survive

because the harder the struggle
the more spirited you become in the end
         "the deeper the mud
         the more beautiful the lotus blooms"

metal redolent
fingertips decorate my
thighs with beautiful
scarlet stripes; your words
have left a signature that
stings on my delicate flesh

i never have to trim my nails
because of the anxiety that
has made itself at home
in the pit of my stomach

while tapping my feet,
i watch the clock slowly tick
and the breath in my lungs feels
thick and coated with doubt

but soon,
my time will come
and my eager feet
will carry me to a place where
hope fills my lungs and
i'll breathe with ease

because eventually,
everything is going
to work itself out

everything
will always be okay in the end
if you allow it to be

there once was a young girl with green eyes
who wore her soft blond hair
in braided pigtails

at the age of seven,
she watched her older sister
stand in front of the mirror before school
and pinch her stomach with a disgusted face
          neither of them ate breakfast that morning

at the age of nine,
she watched her older brother
make fun of a girl with glasses
for reading on the bus
          she went home and hid all her books in the attic

at the age of twelve,
she watched the older girls at school
with straight hair and short skirts
put makeup on in the bathroom
and discuss how boys would only like you
if you looked perfect, like them
          the next day she arrived with red lips, short shorts, and no braided pigtails

at the age of fourteen,
she watched her father hit her mother for the first time
her mother cried when she saw her standing in the doorway
and told her daddy didn't mean it
          the next year, she told herself that her boyfriend didn't mean it, either

at the age of sixteen,
she was paper thin and empty
with straight blond hair, red lips,
purple flesh, and lifeless green eyes
          while staring at her reflection in the bathroom mirror,
          she thought to herself "at least i'm normal."

i should be glad
that you've moved on

that someone has filled
the spaces inside of you
i left vacant

that someone
will make you happy
in ways that i couldn't

that you're no longer
tormented by the aching
that i will never be yours

but i'm not
because i had a box
beneath my bed
in the shape of a heart
where yours was stored

i checked it today
and all that was left
was a note that read
"i now belong to someone else."

everyone individual
is so intricate,
yet we rush to peg them,
to label them,
to tell them who they are

if someone were to draw me,
i think they'd draw an outline
of my arms and legs
and form my lips
into a sweet smile

but if i were to draw myself,
i would darken the inner parts
of the outline with squiggles
and place a thousand different
expressions on my face

the more i meet people
and flip them inside out
to run my fingers along
the cracks of their beating heart,
the more i realize that
no one really is
"normal"