love and despair - Hello Poetry

Nov 2017

Qynn

I am the eye.

Oh god, I am the eye, and I have seen
Enough vulgarity to burn ******-skin
Obscenity in corrupted files
One upon one and another.

And how much I would love to gouge
This golden honey brown from my skull
Feel the chill upon my temple to help me forget
Forget and forgive, forget and forgive
As if it had never happened.

I am the breath.

I am the breath and the poison
The only reckoning I have to offer
In words like mustard gas
How I would boil your flesh in hatred
Rage and despair.

Wistful weapons to bring you home
Fragile shield against my heart
Nothing to hold close.
Nothing to push apart.

No hope and no mercy.

Trust is feigned.

I am the eye, and I am the breath.
My love is gone, and you wear his flesh.

I am the eye. I am the breath.

Nov 2017

Qynn

over

Resilience is the most cursed gift
The hand that never tires of holding
And how eager the heart is to hurt.

Forged between the veils of anger
Of sorrow
Of wretchedness.

We beg like children
To never feel the heat of the same tears
Wetten our faces.

But the past shall repeat.
But the past shall repeat.
But the past shall repeat.

Nov 2017

Qynn

Untitled

This year
You were a liar
And so was I.

The beat of my heart went unanswered
And your biological responses left unchecked.

I was alone
And you were smiling in the next room.

There was death.

Death of people
Death of friendships
Death of trust
Death of love.

My birthday was just another day.

And your gift to me,
The same as always
More oil to keep
This monstrous engine running.

Oct 2017

Qynn

Untitled

I build myself up with kind words.
Words I do not hear from the person I want to hear them from the most.

Sometimes the things that are best for us are also the most painful.

I hurt so much, I don't want to hurt any more.

But I don't want to hurt any longer.

Sep 2017

Qynn

decisions

Your own heart with its hand on your throat
pictures of your would-be lover.
She still sleeps with another man.

As the days crawl by,
lust grows in your belly again.

And the self restraint you so torturously practice
is a gift from god himself.

Never the right time.
Forever the wrong place.

Maybe in the next life,
she will come to you
wearing white instead of black
and the owner of a different face.

She's in such a hurry.

Your time is too precious.

You will not waste.

Decisions, decisions.

Sep 2017

Qynn

I

I will never be the loved one.

I will never know the mirroring
of the love, affection, attention
adoration
that I so willingly give unto others.

I will never know what it is like
to be treated like a queen
to be sung to every day
to be pampered and cared for
to be lusted after
to be wanted.

I will never know devotion.

I will never know what it is like
to trust blindly
the knowledge that to you,
I am enough.
I am beautiful.
I am perfect.
I am loved.

I will never be the loved one.

Sep 2017

Qynn

sappy ******* *******

Once upon a time
there was a girl
and how happy and swollen
her heart was in love.

a drunken disaster
of honeymoon blindness.

the satisfaction
of dreams come true
eyes always shut
waiting for the next kiss.

somewhere in time
she came into bloom.

the color drained
from her precious petals,
reality sunk into her.

heavy iron anchors.

the only strength remaining
learning how to cope
writing needlessly.

hungry, forlorn
the words make little sense
even ninety days later.

Sep 2017

Qynn

You bury me

You bury me
Beneath a mountain of bones
Your skeletons, tired of closets
Ripping the doors open
Longing to be free

And here I sit
Sipping silently
My blood and rage boiled over
In my heart, heavy with such woe
I will never be what you want
I will never be her, though

Crimson.
Ivory.
Charcoal.

Let me rip her apart for you
Let me tear her apart, my love
You want to know her every angle
Let me splinter her bones
May I?

Crimson.
Ivory.
Charcoal.

Let me cry to you of my failures
Let me sing to you of my hopes
You want me to know I'm not alone
Let me shred myself at the core
May I?

Crimson.
Ivory.
Charcoal.

You bury me.

Sep 2017

Qynn

Burnt

Your memory yet smolders in my heart
And your ashes have been ground into my wounds
I wear them now like tattoos
A bleak, crude reminder
Of what I neglected
And would lose.

Sep 2017

Qynn

Body bag of broken hearts

You're sick and tired of the things you used to know
Now you bargain for another place to call your home
If life was easy we would all be singing happy
As god would have it we can never look for hope.

So, caught out in the rain
You cried wolf
Once dry, whet again
Your taste for another, other place
A face.

Had you been broken from a failure in the start
You wouldn't have to check the falter in your heart
Shock waves and heartaches and wounds of yesterday
Cut, collected, and sealed in your throat
Decisions and numbers, and the things that you wrote.

So, caught out yet again
Your lust paled
Regrets and demands, your borderline
Body bag of broken hearts!

Sep 2017

Qynn

restraint

What would I do to hold you -
More like
What wouldn't I do?
What wouldn't I give up
In order to feel your body
Next to mine

Burying you beside me
In love, affection
Compassion
And passion
To touch you
To hold you
To call you mine

And what wouldn't be
Sweeter than this?
For once, I would be happy
I would be in bliss
If I could do more than dream of your kiss

What wouldn't I do for you, baby?
I would do anything.
What couldn't I do for you, honey?
I can't do
anything.

Sep 2017

Qynn

virginal hope

If only I had known you
Before I knew him.
If only I had known your skin
Maybe things wouldn't be this way,
I would not owe to life
Such bitter debt.

We could live together somewhere
In the city - you and I
Singers and painters and names
Not yet written down in the book of life
For such a life would we have to live!

We'd be those silly romantics -
The kind you see in sappy indie films
And the kind that people pluck guitar strings to.
The ones whose faces ache from smiling,
Whose lips and eyes are chapped by love.

Instead our lives are less saturated with love
Then they should be.
Hundreds upon hundreds of miles
Taking our breath away
With each and every word.

Breathlessly sleeping,
And endlessly awake.
I am so tired, I am so tired.

If only I could keep my mouth shut.
Keep my heart shut.
If only I had waited.
If only I had waited for you.

Sep 2017

Qynn

Untitled

I have waited a thousand-and-one years
For my long fabled prince to come.
My tower is crumbling,
And my bed turning to stone.
I have waited far too long
And my heart is dying.

This is so short but I felt like I needed to end it there