I hang my hat after a long day at work. I'm finally home, though I'm not sure I want to be. The silence isn't too fun, but neither is the work.

Dear abuser, I know you'll never leave me. I love the pain you give me. Tuck me into bed and kiss all the bruises you give me. I'll never lose my trust in you because I know you will always be there.

Oh, dark thoughts, why have you come back?
I thought that I had lost you
I thought I was on track
But here you are again, old friend
You haven't left me yet
I suppose I can't complain about it
I guess I shouldn't fret

I wish that I could stop feeling. Then I wouldn’t feel so numb. I'd never feel numb, because I'd feel nothing. I wouldn't feel love. I wouldn't feel anguish. I wouldn't ever be confused, because I'd be more of a shell of a person. One that feels nothing and simply does. No emotions to stop or start unwanted anythings. No feelings of betrayal, of which could not stem from nothing.  
No love to be ashamed of. No love to confuse me. No love to have destroyed by others. You cannot take love from someone who has no heart.  You cannot love too much, if you do not love at all.  You cannot have unrequited love if you feel nothing. You'd certainly never be scared of the love.
If I did not feel, I would never have to experience the awful, awful pain of fear. Unending, controlling, immense fear.

I would certainly not be afraid of the nothing I'm already becoming.

There's only a never-ending cycle of highs and lows or so much of both.  It seems that I really can't escape the emptiness. The dark hole that always comes back. I suppose, it's meant to be.

Take a rose and hold it to your lips
Caress each soft  petal
Give it a mother's kiss
Throw the flower to the sky
admit your final wish

*I don’t wish to live again
I don’t wish to wake up
I wish to sleep forever here
I wish to be stuck
I want the world to go away
I want the lights to leave me be
I want to lie in this field of flowers
Let me rest here, eternally

Take a rose flower and hold it to your lips
Look up at the stars, and send the sky a kiss
Then you must whisper, and  you must say
"I don’t wish to live past tonight or today"

I think I'm overthinking
I think you know it's true
I'm always thinking
my thoughts are a crutch
But, I’m always overthinking
I think I think way too much.

I think I'm having overthoughts
I think I really think too much

I think I think thoughts so much I've overthought
I think I have no more overthoughts to think

I'm always changing and also the same as before
I'm so confused, I can't think anymore
My thoughts are too quick, and they never slow down
They hold me, and sink me, and then I drown.

Thoughts are never what you ask for
They're all deep, dark, and gore
But sometimes they're ropes and other times crowns
Though, somehow, you'll always be left wanting more.

I'm a living contradiction of human perception
I'm lost in the world, always changing direction.
My will is so weak and the truths never hold
I'll never know all the lies that I've told.

My mind is a dark place in want of perfection
But that's not specified, there's always exceptions.
The only thing I can truly say bold
Is I never decide 'til my heart is sold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I seem to have a never-ending problem. I make countless mistakes. No break between folly. My inadequacies destroy my hopes of being happy. By being happy even in the slightest, I bring out fear, doubt, and hate for myself. So pathetic.

I think to myself, perhaps, that it would have been better not confessing my love. I did it in hopes of rejection. Then it would be over. I could love in silence and perhaps cease to exist in his eyes. Now I have countless unanswered questions and fears. Too many false hopes, doubts, and inadequacies. So much false hope and fear spurred on every time I try to speak. So much  self-hate. So much confusion. I don't know how to handle it. I feel that it may have been a mistake, because I can only expect the worst. The worst hurts.