The Bible has some interesting characters.
We can see in stanzas and rhymes
How they might have received some help
If they'd been living in modern times.

Lot, for example, had a drinking problem.
The man got drunk and slept with his daughter.
Actually with two! Advice to Lot:
Go to A.A. and stick with water.

An inferiority complex
Must have driven the angry Cain.
No matter what he did, he always
Seemed to incur God's disdain.
  
In searching for pairs of all animals on earth,
Noah's compulsion crossed the border
Of what today we would call
An obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
 
Saul had to be extremely bipolar.
Talk about mood swings! On different occasions
He tried to **** David, who luckily escaped
By the skin of his teeth and with no abrasions.
 
If someone--like Solomon--had seven hundred wives
And three hundred concubines, we'd tend to say
That he had a number of serious issues,
But we don't want to go there today.
 
Moses talked to a burning bush,
Samuel and Elijah heard voices that told them
What to do. Now we’d say they
Were schizophrenic if voices controlled them.

Harod was really into himself;
He had to be highly narcissistic.
When Paul was persecuting the Christians,
His behavior was rather sadistic.
 
Without A.A. or psychiatrists,
Or drugs like Prozac, Zoloft, thorazine,
******, Haldol, Abilify, Lithium,
Seroquel, Xanax, Paxil, and clozapine,
 
Our Biblical characters were on their own--
To fend for themselves to carry out their mission,
Without medical insurance and someone
To say, "Get thee to a physician!"

- by Bob B

When we last saw Noah,
He was about to embark
On a long, stormy journey
Aboard his mighty ark.

For forty days and nights
The heavens constantly drained
Their waters upon the earth,
For it rained and rained and rained--

Covering the towering Mt. Everest,
And the great Kilimanjaro.
Noah exclaimed, "It's raining
Like there's no tomorrow!"

Ham and Shem said, "Dad,
With our small, measly crew,
Feeding one million species
Is kind of hard to do."

Noah pointed outside
And looked at his sons and said,
"I suppose instead of in HERE,
You'd rather be out there--dead!"

That shut up the boys
Who attended to their tasks,
Saying, "We're feeding the lions
In case anyone asks."

Shem whispered to Ham,
"I like that lion, but she
Is always licking her chops
Whenever SHE sees ME!"

Ham said, "That kangaroo,
Who looks so calm and mellow,
Has a nasty kick.
He's not a very nice fellow."

After many days,
The waters receded; then Yay!
They were back on dry land;
All could go their own way.

The Bengal tigers went east;
The penguins headed south;
The skunks and beavers went west--
According to word of mouth.

Noah grabbed an animal
For a sacrifice quick and succinct,
And turned to his sons saying, "Oops!
I JUST made one species extinct."

Ham, Shem, and Japheth,
Had little time for mirth,
For now it was up to them
To repopulate the earth.

Growing grapes for wine
To Noah was time well spent,
Until he got drunk and naked--
All sprawled out in his tent.

Walking in on his father,
Ham saw a sight not so splendid
And ended up with a *** deal--
(Silly pun intended)--

For Noah cursed poor Ham
For having walked in on him.
So what if a guy saw him naked;
Hadn't he been to a gym?

Actually, the curse
Was more on Canaan, Ham's son.
How had poor Canaan managed
To be the guilty one?

I guess that's the nature of curses;
They don't always make much sense.
There also wasn't a lawyer
To come to Canaan's defense.

To live to be 950
Requires a very strong ticker.
But Noah had a weakness:
Trouble holding his liquor.

- by Bob B

*Sequel to "Noah's Dilemma"

Things are wild in the Garden of Eden
When Adam returns from his daily toil.
(You see: even in Paradise
Adam has to till the soil.)

"Adam," says Eve, "taste this fruit.
How could one ever surmise
That eating this fruit could be one's undoing?
You'll see the world through different eyes."

Adam partakes of the forbidden fruit,
And all of a sudden he feels inside
A rush of shame. Grabbing Eve's hand,
He says, "Come. We've got to hide."

A booming voice shakes the foliage,
"****! I knew I'd eventually dread it.
When I made you humans, I
Certainly gave you too much credit.

"What did I tell you about partaking
Of the tree bearing forbidden fruit?"
?"Eve MADE me do it!" cries Adam.
God yells, "I don't give a hoot!"

"The serpent," says Eve. "It's the serpent's fault.
He was the actual perpetrator."
"Shush," says God. "You silly ninnies.
I will deal with the serpent later.

"Your thirst for knowledge of good and evil
Opened your eyes. I knew you'd rue it.
You'll be banished from Paradise now.
Bottom line: you both blew it."

Then God adds, "And put on some clothes.
Don't you feel at all ashamed?
And, by the way, before you leave,
Are there any animals you haven't named?"

Adam shrugs, "Nameless animals…
Let's see. I don't think there are any.
But there are millions of species here.
Why did you have to make so many?"

"Exit now from the Garden," God thunders.
"You had to know the mess you'd be in.
Both of you are going to discover
That now your troubles will really begin."

The Garden gates slam shut behind them
As the couple sadly wanders off.
"A fine mess you got us into!"
Adam mutters to Eve with a scoff.

"Life was easy in the Garden of Eden,
But there's one thing I have to confess,"
Says Eve, admiring herself in a pond,
"I'm really liking my brand new dress."

If they think they have troubles now,
Wait till they see what else God forbids:
Mixing fabrics and eating shellfish.
And wait till they start having kids.

"People are going to blame us," says Adam.
"We need to come up with a good solution.
I'm hoping that somebody somewhere devises
A logical theory of evolution."

So off they journey, hand in hand,
Wishing they'd gotten by with impunity.
"It was just fruit," they lament, already
Missing their life in their gated community.

“Hey there, Mr. Slug! Why do you like my cymbidiums?
Why don’t you dine on the dandelions that so abundantly grow?”
“Well, Mr. Bob, your cymbidiums are so delicious,
And your weeds are not so agreeable. I feel you ought to know.”
 
“Hey there, Mr. Termite! Why do you like my house?
Why can’t you chomp on the neighbors’—the one with such beautiful wood.”
“Well, Mr. Bob, your house is so nutritious;
Your neighbors’ house has been treated, and it doesn’t taste so good.”
 
“Hey there, Mrs. Whitefly! Do you have to **** my hibiscus?
What’s wrong with the morning glories that cover the neighbors’ fence.”
“Well, Mister Bob, hibiscus plants are enticing;
If I feasted on the others, I’d lack some common sense.”
 
“Hey there, Mr. Aphid! Do you have to devour my roses?
Why can’t you gorge on the grasses that grow in yonder field?”
“Well, Mr. Bob, not a thing in that field has
The lure of the genus Rosa, but I’ll keep my eyes peeled.”
 
“Hey there, Mrs. Fly! Do you have to buzz into MY house?
What is wrong with the neighbors’—the one with the door open wide?”
“Well, Mr. Bob, we love the smell of your cookies
And cakes and blueberry cobblers. We’re dying to get inside!”
 
“Well, so much for asking! At least I made an attempt
To deal with you pesky visitors; to bid you all adieu.”
“Sorry, Mr. Bob. We don’t feel very welcome;
But perhaps you’ve forgotten something: WE were here long before YOU.”

- by Bob B

One day Skunk said to Fox,
“Boy, do you ever reek!
I have to tell you, Foxie:
You smell worse than last week.”
 
Fox replied to Skunk,
“Hey, you’re one to talk.
I can smell you coming
From way around the block.”
 
Skunk said, “Okay, let’s ask
Ms. Flower since she’s so discreet.”
Said Fox, “Yuck, why her?
She smells so sickeningly sweet.”
 
So Fox suggested Pelican.
“Well,” said Skunk, “if you wish.
But don’t forget that he always
Smells like rotten fish.”
 
They tried and tried for hours
To agree on who could best judge
Which of the two smelled the worse.
Finally, Fox cried out, “Fudge!”
 
Then Fox went on his way,
Wandering back to his den.
“Don’t YOU smell good!” said the Missis;
She even said it again.
 
Skunk hurried on home,
Where he knew his mother would be.
“Mom, do I smell bad?”
She answered, “Not to me.”
 
A moral of this story
Is all about point of view:
Let others be who they are,
And enjoy just being you.
 
Take with a grain of salt,
What others say or think;
And never let it upset you
If they say that you stink!

- by Bob B

Did you hear of the chicken
Who wanted to be a duck?
You have to admit that the chicken
Had a great deal of pluck.
 
Scrutinizing her duck friends,
She sought out the best model,
But despite weeks of practice,
She still couldn’t waddle.
 
“This clucking,” she said, “won’t cut it.
I need to learn how to quack.”
But the only sounds she emitted
Were still not a “quack” but a “clack.”
 
“I prefer to eat duck food,”
She boasted, and with that
She gobbled up all she could
And ended up getting too fat.
 
“Ducks are good at flying,
So it makes perfect sense
For me to try it,” she said—
Barely reaching the fence.
 
“That’s it!” she finally exclaimed.
“For swimming ducks are renowned.”
She dashed into the lake,
Flapped her wings, and drowned.
 
The ducks sighed in sadness.
Poor chicken—she just couldn’t see
THAT THINGS AREN’T NECESSARILY
ALL THEY’RE QUACKED UP TO BE.

-by Bob B

Floorboards creak; ceiling beams snap;
Walls crackle and pop.
Cold drafts chill me to the bone;
The shivers never stop.
I awaken at night to the sounds of moaning
That fill the house with grief.
An icy breath of anguish blows over me,
Allowing for little relief.
 
Lying awake, I wonder about
The cause of each eerie sound.
I’ll never know the answer unless
I take a look around.
Expansion, contraction, heat, cold:
A probable explanation;
But what explains the mournful moaning
That causes such consternation?
 
Feeling my way down the creaky stairs,
I shudder with coldness and fear—
Wanting to know but at the same time
Afraid of what might appear.
Silently standing at the base of the stairs,
I stare into the dark.
If asked how I felt, horror and dread
Would certainly hit the mark.
 
Groping the furniture, I sit on the sofa
And listen to the dead of the night;
I start to nod, then jump with a start,
Filled with panic and fright.
An amorphous figure appears before me—
Vague, undefined, obscure.
My fear turns into deep sadness,
Which is difficult to endure.
 
“Are you a spirit?” I whisper, and wait.
At first I have little success.
Finally, I hear a soft, sobbing sound—
A plaintive, fragile “Yes.”
Yeah, right, I think, a spirit that haunts
My house. Isn’t that cool?
Is this a joke—somebody’s trick?
Do they take me for a fool?
 
“What draws you here to my house,” I ask.
“What is this perverse
Penchant you have for creaking and moaning?”
The spirit replies, “It’s a curse.
Years ago I lived in this home.
My life was happy and free.
Everything was going my way.
Now look what’s happened to me.
 
“The world was in my hands; I had
Everything under control.
Nothing could get the best of me
Till death bells started to knoll.
No! I refused to succumb or give in;
Too hot were the fires
Of greed and longing and wanting and having—
Too powerful were my desires.
 
“Too late I realized my mistakes;
Too late, too late, too late.
I’m stuck here to play out all of my longings.
This is my cruel fate.”
It occurs to me to ask of its gender;
I am curious to hear it.
“Are you a man or woman,” I ask.
It laughs and says, “Just a spirit.”
 
“I’m sorry for your pain,” I say,
“Is there anything I can do?”
“No,” it answers, “it’s up to me;
I must see this through.”
“Obviously, you’re not,” I continue,
“As quiet as a mouse.
But could you be so kind as to haunt
Someone else’s house?”
 
“Aha! So you think that THIS is humorous!”
The spirit thunders with a roaring.
“I was here long before you arrived;
And YOU disturb ME with your snoring!”
“I’m sorry,” I say, and ponder what
Could be a possible solution.
One thing I know: these night-time visits
Are not good for my constitution.
 
“How about this? Let’s make a deal,”
I say. “You’re free to roam
As much as you want, and you can be loud
Whenever I’m not at home.
When I am here—asleep or awake—
So I can have peace of mind,
You be quiet and work on your karma,
If you’re so inclined.”
 
“Deal! You’ve got my UNDYING promise,”
It responds with a voice full and sunny.
I think to myself: Now it's the one
Who’s trying to be funny.
I yawn and say I’m going back to bed,
And I give the spirit my best
And hope that soon—VERY soon—
It finds eternal rest.
 
I often wonder if the gloomy spirit
Is still working its way
Through its torment, which I hope
Is being held at bay.
If I hear a creak or pop in the night,
Now peace and calm prevail;
I hope I’ve learned a lesson from my
Nocturnal visitor’s tale.

- by Bob B

Noah was righteous (though maybe
A bit of a stick in the mud),
So God decided to save him
And his family from the great flood.
 
Again going over the instructions
After building his ark,
He had a couple of questions
Before they could embark.
 
“It says here that I need two
Of every living thing.
But I have some misgivings:
That’s going to be hard to swing.
 
“What’s this about a pl...platypus,
And penguin and k...kangaroo?
And I need to find two skunks.
What am I going to do?
 
“If I don’t find these animals,
They’ll think my work is a sham.
Ah, I know what I’ll do:
I’ll delegate this job to Ham.
 
“But first, another question
Is going to be hard to solve,
And that is the problem of food
And what it is going to involve.
 
“‘All food eaten on Earth’
Has to be on our boat.
With all that food and the animals,
How will we stay afloat?
 
“There’s another problem:
My lions aren’t nice and sweet,
And they have a strong preference
For gazelle and antelope meat.
 
“Cramped in so tight a space,
I hope we all don’t smother.
How will I keep the animals
From eating one another?”
 
He gave his list to Ham
And said, “I’ve found you some work.
I’ve got too much on my mind,
And it’s driving me berserk.”
 
Then Ham elicited help
From brothers Japheth and Shem.
No one else was available
To help him aside from them.
 
There were millions of species
Of animals that they had to find!
They’d be in a lot of trouble
If they left any behind.
 
Noah’s curse on Ham
Didn’t come till much later.
Meanwhile Ham had a few
Questions for his pater.
 
“Now, about this floodwater—
I'm not disrespecting your wishes—
Will it be salty or fresh?
It makes a difference to fishes.
 
“And for forty days and nights
We’ll be floating around;
When the waters recede,
Won’t all the plants have drowned?”
 
Noah said, “Don’t even go there!
There’s no time to stall.
Let’s get a move on before
Raindrops start to fall.”

- by Bob B

Whether to have dessert
Is not even a question.
Not to indulge in sweets?
Don’t even make that suggestion.
 
Having no apple pie
Or luscious lemon meringue
Would be a real ******—
As we say in slang.
 
Right out of the oven:
Hot cinnamon rolls...
Or donuts right out of the fryer--
With or without holes...
 
Crepes filled with strawberries,
With a dollop of whipped cream...
When I talk about sweets,
I never run out of steam.
 
Don’t forget about cakes,
And anything with custard...
Chocolate in every form...
And--I’m getting flustered--
 
Fresh homemade cookies
Of any delicious kind...
Chocolate fudge or divinity...
Yikes, I’m losing my mind!
 
Dessert bars, oh, my goodness,
Chewy, crumbly, flaky...
Banana, zucchini, and pumpkin
Bread—soft and cakey...
 
Cupcakes topped with thick frosting,
And filled with chocolate ganache...
Creamy Crème brûlée...
Boy, aren’t we getting posh!
 
A sugary German plum cake,
A Danish butter ring,
And Greek galaktoboureko
Give me a reason to sing!
 
Chocolate frosted brownies...
Lefse with sugar and butter...
My sweet tooth is growing larger
With every word that I utter.
 
Some people say that these sweets
Might be the cause of my death.
Then let me be holding a cookie
When I take my last breath!

- by Bob B

A traveler needing help decided
It would be handy to rent an ***.
He found someone and made a deal.
Observe what then came to pass:
 
The owner of the *** followed behind
To drive the animal along on its way.
A few hours later the traveler and owner
Decided to rest; it was a hot day.
 
The traveler spied the ***'s shadow,
Which was the coolest place he could find.
"Oh no you don't," the owner said.
"That is MY spot, if you don't mind."
 
"Since," said the traveler, "I'm renting the animal,
"The shadow belongs to me as well."
"You're renting the ***--NOT its shadow!"
Exclaimed the owner. "You go to hell!"
 
Ooh, the argument grew tense and heated
And eventually led to shoving and blows.
Instead of seeking a compromise,
The two men acted like a couple of schmoes.
 
Suddenly, it dawned upon the men:
The *** was gone; it had run away.
The fight continued; each man said
The other one would have to pay.
 
What is the moral of the story?
If you are wise, surely you’ll wish you
Could focus less on the minor "shadow"
And more on the real, essential issue.
 
Or…
 
When we consider what is important,
There is a lesson for the masses:
You will likely be left in the lurch
If you place too much trust in *****.

- by Bob B

Wandering down the road an ***
Encountered a lion's skin.
He dressed himself up in it
Without an ounce of chagrin.

Frightening all creatures who saw him--
Animals and humans as well--
The *** stifled his braying and watched
As they all ran off pell-mell.

Finally, unable to hold it in,
He brayed some loud "Hee-haws!"
The fox heard him and also happened
To notice his hooves--not paws.

"Well, my friend, if I'd only seen you,
I might have been afraid.
But now that I've heard you speak, you can
Dispense with your charade."

The moral? Clothes can disguise many fools,
But despite their fancy array,
When they open their mouths--Yikes!--
Their words give them away.

Or

You can put on fancy airs,
Pretending you're suave and urbane,
But if you are truly an *** at heart,
An *** you will remain.

- By Bob B

So MARY loved a little lamb—
Especially on her plate.
But watch out, Mary: too much lamb
Can make you overweight.
 
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on the wall.
Learn from his mistake.
If you are not mindful, you
Could also fall and break.
 
A TISKET, a TASKET,
Forget about a basket.
Do what you are told
Or your folks will blow a gasket!
 
JACK SPRAT could eat no fat.
Too much fat could **** him.
But mounds of veggies on his plate
Certainly don't thrill him.
If MRS. SPRAT could eat no lean
And just the fatty parts,
Wasn’t her cholesterol level
Jumping off the charts?
 
MISTRESS MARY, quite contrary,
Brags about her garden,
Which, she adds, is quite unique.
****! Oops, beg your pardon.
Are silver bells and cockle shells
Much to brag about?
I guess they are more practical
When there is a drought.
 
JACK B. NIMBLE was pretty slick,
Although he was a nut.
Don’t play around with candlesticks,
Or you could burn your ****.
 
EENY MEENY MINY MOE...
Invest your money and watch it grow.
It’s good to save and not to owe,
EENY MEENY MINY MOE...
 
GEORGIE PORGIE made the girls cry
Every time he kissed ‘em.
They didn’t like that chauvinist
And the way he dissed ‘em.
 
Did JACK AND JILL go up the hill
Really to get water?
What kind of H2O
Would make him swerve and totter?
 
If these days PETER put his wife
In a pumpkin shell,
He'd never hear the end of it;
Boy, she’d give him hell!

- by Bob B

Merle and June needed a break
From their Midwestern town.
Inundated with sales and receipts,
Both were starting to drown.
 
After years without a vacation,
June found an ideal
Vacation spot at a mountain resort,
And the price was a steal.
 
Ah, finally, to be one with nature!
To sit on their behinds!
To escape the intolerable prairie heat!
To put work out of their minds!
 
During their drive, Merle said, "Dear,
This trip should calm your nerves."
He couldn't see the fear in June's face
As he sped 'round the mountain curves.
 
Once they were settled in their cabin,
June's calm turned out to be brief.
Staring out the window she shrieked
"What?" in disbelief.
 
"Merle," she said, "On the path out there…
I tell you, I could have sworn
I saw a man and woman walk by
As naked as the day they were born!"
 
Grabbing her glasses to read the brochure,
June had to squint
To see that it stated "nudist camp"
In very, very small print.
 
More **** couples sauntered by
With body parts a-dangling.
"Bite the bullet," she said to poor
Merle whose nerves were jangling.
 
"Lock up all of our clothes in our safe
So no one can purloin 'em.
It states right here: No Refund, so
If you CAN'T beat 'em, join 'em."
 
So au naturel Merle and June
Enjoyed the fresh mountain air.
Then Merle got a mosquito bite
On his…well…you know…down there.
 
They started to feel a bit more relaxed
After sitting and sipping
On a few cold drinks. Suddenly, they realized:
They'd never gone skinny dipping.
 
Merle learned in the cool mountain lake
That he was a quick reactor:
Walking back to the shore he complained,
"Blasted shrinkage factor!"
 
Walking around unclad was fine--
With that they had no disputes.
But dining felt a little bit strange
In their birthday suits.
 
Swimming, golfing, hiking, riding,
And sunbathing were all fun,
But they burned parts of their bodies that
Had never seen the sun.
 
Burning his *** wasn't part of the plan,
Merle had to admit.
For three whole days it curtailed activities
Because he couldn't sit.
 
After two weeks of mosquito bites
And sunburned rumps they set
Off on their journey home from a trip
The two would never forget.
 
So, what lessons did they learn?
Being a nature lover
Is fine and dandy, but next time they'll do it
With some sort of cover.
 
And to feel the wind blow on them
Could put their mind at ease;
But they also learned that parts of the body
Don’t need to feel a breeze.

- by Bob B