As the tree branches became bare and the air grew colder, my affection for you withered. Just as the flowers had done under the heavy blanket of winter's first snow fall.
No longer was my mind consumed with prospective dreams of you and i, but instead clouded by narcissistic thoughts.
You couldn't understand how it was possible for me to become increasingly distant over such a short period of time. It had become apparent our relationship began to lack the magic we had strived on for months.
A once colorful canvas had now been layered with jesso, the colors underneath barely visible, faded.
The flame on the candle burned all the way down to the end of the wick and all that was left was a puddle of hot wax. We had been so good for so long, and now in a matter of hours the fire had gone out and all that was left to do was wade in the pool of memories.
Then summer came, and we were right back at it.
Long walks on the beach, barefoot as you carried my sandals in your hands.
coy smirks and playful laughter was exchanged
along with over used inside jokes and flirtatious fighting
but deep down we both knew we were not the same as we were at the start
you were well aware of my fragile state
because my scars had now been put on display due to the season changes and lack of clothing
you vowed you would never stop caring or trying to help
but one afternoon when I was at my lowest
I swallowed down some pills along with the words I should have said to you
I became delusional
my palms itchy and sweaty, and my words had begun to slur
my eyes rolled back into my skull, and i fell into your arms
my cheeks wet with your tears, as my body laid motionless on your lap
no words were exchanged, only cries for ambulances and violent shaking
"I'm sorry" was all i could mumble
I don't think you even heard me that day
even if you had, I wasn't saying sorry to you
I was apologizing to myself for trying to end my life because i was too afraid to end it with you
things changed after that day, and we began to spiral even further downward
you bestowed guilt on me for what I did that day
constantly lecturing me on how it would have negatively impacted your life
you had such blatant disregard for how I was feeling
you never even stopped to ask why it had gotten to this point
and it was because in every way possible we had fallen apart.
and I had so badly wanted to piece it back together, but we were far past repair
When the words "I love you" were exchanged the attachment had been broken on my end
The devastation would come in waves, the rip tide growing stronger each time it retracted back to it's origin.
I wasn't sure how to end it at first, or what would be the best way. What I did know was that I couldn't go on like this much longer.
After various whimpered phone calls and hours of listening to your faulty compromises you thought would appeal to my needs, we ended.