The Heart is a Lonely and Longing Thing

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

I don't see blackness when I close my eyes,
I see you, me -- our moment.
Us sitting waist deep in the river between islands,
small waves lulling, and a sun
dripping oranges and reds to the west.
There is a laughter that carries the birds higher,
as we toss small shells at each other,
and you teach me to skip rocks.

Tell me if you wish it'd been different.

I think of what could have been
every time I see you
every time I hear you
every time I breathe.
The stray shell would graze your cheek,
you'd take my hand from your face
and place it over a rapid drum and say
This is for you.

Tell me if you wish it'd been this way.

Tell me if you ever think about our moment.
Am I wasting my time, holding onto this shell,
or should I let it go?
Would you watch it with me as it rolls on the river bed
and becomes forgotten?

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

What A Foolish Girl She Is

Look at what you did --
you foolish girl.
Don't you remember --
words spoken
long before the crisp autumn breeze --
the oath you took?
The promise you made.
Took some time to rehabilitate,
but just as quickly
you've left all sense behind
for the drug.
You foolish girl,
so easily you thought
you could control it.
Now look at what you've done:
valleys of fire surround the
shattered pieces of
broken glass.
The same glass that he said he could fix,
so you sat in the fire,
let the flames lick at your charred skin,
as you fumbled with a puzzle with no image.
Look at what's become of you.
Do you even remember what it was like before?
No great detective could
paint you a picture of the past.
Look at what you did --
you foolish girl.
That oath will forever echo in your head.
I hope you never forget it;
I hope it follows you to your grave.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

What You Do to Me

You don't know what you do to me.
Your crooked smile rips me apart as
the sound of my name on your lips
lites a fire in every vain under my pale skin.
Your gentle eyes hold my heart firmly
as I watch the dark blood pool
and start to drown me slowly.
What really throws me--
no--
makes me dive off the cliff:
your eyebrows.
Quirk them and tell me you care.
Raise them and tell me you're listening.
Twitch them and tell me you're interested.
Furl them and tell me you fell for me.
You don't know what you do to me--
this pain feels so good
so long as I'm the one your eyes want.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

Heat in this moment

there is Heat in this moment.
this Heat isn't like
a warm summer breeze,
or a blanket on a winter night.
this Heat is like
being forced to take a pleasent stroll
in the blood-shot screams of Hell
all while walking barefoot
on the Sun with a smile.
there is Heat in this moment,
but it seems only you and I can feel it.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

Nothing But A Villain

The words of a Goodbye weave together to bind this chapter,
the characters disappearing – just ghosts to walk beside me.
But I’m nothing but the wicked queen with a poisoned apple –
piercing the heart of a character so sweet and so kind.

Words intended for tea sit in my stomach like poison –
excuses that seemed pure now form a mask,
the Why wraps me tight and lies me in a cushioned room.

Actions meant to heal put me to sleep on nails –
the smallest of leaves is engraved with your name,
your essence echoes in the chaos of my mind.

Trying to replace you – Longing for another –
Doesn't heal that heart that fills the sink with blood so black.
Doesn't heal the silent limp.
Doesn't stop the smile that covers a screaming heart.
Doesn't stop the heart from ripping until only a beat remains –
a hollow beat that reverberates in a hollow chasm –
a beat that no longer sounds for me, but for the very person I killed.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

Silhouette Champion

It's time to fight for your freedom.

Do you see yourself,
Silhouette against the setting sun -
Reds as deep as the monster's eyes,
Draped in cold silver?
A breast plate hides the heart,
Shin guards perverse agility,
Chain-mail protects strength,
A helmet retains sanity,
A trusty steed will hurry the process,
This cloth to ease the pain of battle,
A torch to ensure you won't get lost;
A sword to vanquish the creature that controls your heart.

Silhouette, with arm raised high,
Begins to charge just as stars dot the sky.

You have all you need,
now fight
until the only thing left you have to give
is a single breath
in which the dying words
I love you
are carried far away to the next champion
to fall at this beast's hands.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

Matchmaker

Oh, Matchmaker, with hands of silver and gold,
help me wipe the tears as I watch this unfold.
Oh, Matchmaker, you've given me Midas Touch,
but this time the pain is just too much.
I can't take what I've done -
but I won't bring myself to blow out her sun.

Matchmaker, with warm words so sweet,
was your plan to find a heart to beat?
I am nothing but Grand Matchmaker's puppet -
nothing but a slave to play His trumpet.
He made me watch, with ankles chained,
as my heart burned 'til nothing remained.

Grand Matchmaker, why not match me?
You've given me no choice, but to beg on bent knee.
Something pretty I've seen, and it makes my heart ache
to stand by and watch - it makes my earth quake.
But Matchmaker is what matchmakers do.
So forever, forever, will my heart drown in blue.

#100

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

Cramped Hearts

He never knew he held my heart.
Never aware, even as he gave his away
and she gave hers to him.
It's cramped in here -
her heart beating next to mine
in the warmth of where his heart once was.
I want to leave,
to escape so her heart can flourish.
I never held his heart -
Why pretend like I did? -
He's not mine to fight for, never mine to keep.
Trying to leave quickly is like
trying to rip a snake,
whose venom fangs are plunged deep,
off your arm in one swift movement.
With tears in my eyes and a strained smile for her,
I take the snake from flesh,
but the venom chokes my heart
to a shade of blacken green.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

You and I

It's amazing how,
in the silence,
you hear so much.
How the screaming
you thought so strong
is nothing but a whisper.
And those unintelligible whispers
echo in this hollowness
until they're the only thing you can hear.
You and I are like two very similar pieces of cloth:
both warn and tattered
both used and bedraggled
both healing wounds the other has left.
You and I --
we're meant to fit together like puzzle pieces:
shaped for each other.
You and I are like two magnets,
tell us to face each other and we repel,
turn us away and we attract.
There's so much that could be pushing us apart,
but so much more that's pulling us together.
In this silences,
that has cut me so deep,
I find I can't sleep
without seeing your face.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

Can We?

Can we just be together and grow
old
for a century?

Can you just laugh with me about
nothing
for a decade?

Can I just listen to you tell me about
everything
for a year?

Can we just curl up and
nope
for a month?

Can you just hold me when I'm feeling
sad
for a day?

Can I just tell you everything about me that's
crazy
for an hour?

Can we just find a time to
talk
for a moment?

Can you just smile back at
me
for a second?

Will I ever work up the courage to smile at
you
for the first time?

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

My Name is Gretel

Lost
in the dark forest of flux
not knowing where to turn
unable to see what's in front of me

Hansel can see me
but chooses to toss bread crumbs
in the comfort of shadows
instead of saving me.

Unknowingly
he's led us to the Witch's Cottage
and we won't emerge the same

Forged in her crucible
we had no choice but to change
into the blindman and the trickster

Now we're burnt and tattered
singing the eerie hymn that becomes our story:

Silly circles 'round the mulberry bush
the blindman chased the trickster
the trickster pulled a nasty prank
Bang! goes the blindman.

Don't look me in the eye.
You may have led us there,
but I followed knowing where
we would end up.

My name is Gretel
and my Hansel has lost himself
in a dark forest of flux.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

I Will See You Next Hour

If I am the minute hand,
you will be the hour and
every time I see you,
it feels like the first time.

It seems, no matter how far I go,
I will always run into you again.
Around n' around...
Time n' time again...

It seems we're stuck on treadmills,
never going anywhere
but constantly dreaming
of a far away finish line.

We'll trip and stumble,
just as all humans do,
but you'll never see us acknowledge it.
Our rule: talk about but never to.

Deep in my bones,
there is an ache that shakes me,
but no matter what I swear
I will see you next hour.

It is similar to a curse
that binds us with unchecked will.
No explanation-
just our actions that feel right.

So many questions as to Why
but how am I to explain
something that sits in my bones
and tells me Do

I'll say goodbye,
but what good will that do?
If I am the minute hand,
I will see you next hour.

Feb 2014

Carsyn Smith

I'm not the one

I'm not the one, there's nothing you could do
Love's so strong, I didn't know what to do
My shallow heart was no match for you
I'm not the one, there's nothing you could do

And I find I'm not so strong
Your love crushed me so small
Not sure where I belong

And I am saying goodbye
I was stupid and lied
Just sat and watched you die

I'm not the one, there's nothing you could do
I'm sorry that I couldn't love you
My shallow heart was no match for you
I'm not the one, there's nothing you could do

And I am coming untied
I can't handle your tears
Or to know that you've cried

I'm not the one, there's nothing you could do
I'm sorry that I couldn't love you
My shallow heart was no match for you
I'm not the one, there's nothing you could do

I'm not the one, there's nothing you could do

Took the rhyme scheme from "Say Something" by A Great Big World and put my own spin on it.