I feel like Bob in the Rain
There is no Lizard of Hope
I'm gone
From my body at least
I appear here now
But my body has no mind
No moral compass
It operates without me
My mind is in this writing
It's in the unconscious decisions
"I hate it when I know and I don't know.
Same time"
It all was a game
It isn't as if I was ever unaware
I always knew
The magnitude is different
Every time, I give up on humanity
And every time, I somehow find hope
This time certainly seems different
It's the end of something.

Talk to me
Come see me
Touch me
And flirt with me
Tell me no
But show me yes
Tell me never
But show me forever
Give me feelings
Revive me
Tell me tomorrow
Or friday
Maybe we'll stitch it up
Sometime soon someday
But i'll take what i can get
Because i just want
To spend the rest of my life
With you in some way

The strongest words
Are the ones I want to use
The most
The strongest phrases
Like "I love you"
When that's not necessarily
What I really feel
Or when I say
"I hate this/that"
What does that even mean?
Really.
Do we ever stop and think
About what we're saying?
Nah,
We just go straight to the top shelf
The strongest words and phrases
"I love (insert name)"
"I hate this situation"
I might not love that person
I might not hate the situation
But when my awareness
Is at its highest
I can assess this objectively
Then i can find the truth
I do love her
I do, truly, hate this situation
But I can make it through
Waiting for a sign...

It was such a dumb thing
In a stressful time
I knew who I loved
And it was not her
Not the one I kept secret
I only ever really loved one
She asked me if I'd tell her
And I straight up lied
Because I knew
I would never tell her
Not until she already knew
Because how could I?
I'm not shameless
I'm not fearless
I'm helpless
I'm relentless
I'm brainless
Because had I not
Made that mistake
I could still be looking ahead
At the little children
Little ones that will never come
I could still be looking ahead
At the wedding
The Marriage that will never come
I could still be looking ahead
At the happy life
The life with her that I'll never have

If I'm a dog, I'm a dog
A cat would be better
She likes those more
But it is not terrible
I like my position
Of course I am,
A dog, that is
Because I pant and I whine
And wait patiently at the door
Waiting for you to come back
So eager for you to pet me
Rub my belly
Show me your love
For the little while
That you care to show it
Because you're distracted
By things more important
I get that
I'm just a dog
And there are people
And cats and responsibilities
You need to attend to
I don't fault you
You are my owner
I love you unconditionally
I'll die for you
But just for right now
I want your attention
Even if its a fraction of it
I just want you to keep petting me
And stroking my ears
While you do the other things
So I'll keep forcing my snout
Between your leg and your hand
In hopes that you won't find it annoying
But just mindlessly pet me
Because you're the sweetest
Most gracious girl
A domesticated man could ask for
But your attention is elsewhere
And I need you right here

You know, you can't feel new
If your circumstances don't reflect you
It's just what you were that you feel
And what you are isn't real
Your time is wasted in nights
When you think your work is your rights
The innocence is lost throughout the day
But the person hasn't changed in any way
Being given the orders isn't being grown
Maturity is with the knowledge that's known

Someday it will all end
When your bloom is late
So give caution to the wind
Then worry about fate

Often I forget
Why I loved her
Why I continue to long for her
In a way,
I just do it blindly
It takes a peaceful evening
But I remember the times
The memories make me happy
And then I remember her
Who she was back then
She made mistakes
She did things I didn't like
She was her own person
And I loved her for that
But she wanted to be my person
And I loved her for that
But I urged her to be herself
And now she is
She is herself, with someone else
I think of the first time she kissed me
She was herself
And she was the woman I still love
The one I will always love
And it feels good
And it hurts, at the same time
To remember why i loved her
Because I also remember why
I continue to love her

I've been smiling
The entire time
I've been trying
To be happy
Then i remember
That you can't see me
I stop smiling
I sit down
Hold my head in my hands
I disintegrate
My soul dissipates
An ocean of madness
Becomes a river of sadness
Becomes my stream of consciousness
Spiraling down,
I see rock bottom
So familiar
I'm hoping i don't end up there again
But i know
I was lucky
Just to feel that way
For as long as i did

I'm down on myself
I've been thrown on the shelf
I don't wish i were dead
But never born instead
Oh you wanna be friends
Well i think that depends
I can tell you what i think
Until the cinderblocks sink
I'll help you with things
Like the madness love brings
I'll say you look good
True meaning understood
I can listen to your life
Oh, you live with great strife
I can give you advice
Without any price
I'll watch you marry
With the burden i carry
You can look toward me
With the loyalty that was free
Make my weekends and nights
With no fits, feuds, or fights
I can **** and lie for you
Until the day i die for you
Or
And this is just a shot in the dark
With the bullet as a spark
I can call you mine
Until the end of time
We'll descend into love as we must
And we can just see where that takes us

Somewhere, there is,
In a cloudy place,
A person, perhaps
With either ***,
Who might do all
And everything
For my sake
For my happiness
Who will give up
On other dreams
Other desires
Who would exist
Solely for me
And what was ours
One who carries
All of the burdens
That fell from my arms
I dreamt of that person
In a sleepless night
I know not where
Or who this person is
But wherever that one lies,
I am here, confounded
By life and love,
Completely oblivious

I'm repulsive, aren't i?
My sullen stature
My barren body
I find myself to be so
They all hate me
All of the people
Even She hates me now
I can feel it in her words
Hear it in her voice
See it in her signs
I do everything i can
But what can i do
Really, i'm just me
I'm nice and loving
It seems to be too much
But i can't stop
Because i love them
And i love her
And i'll die
Before i let them go

It's this constant fear I have
That I've been doing something wrong
Since the very start
Over and over again
Not realizing it at all
I mean what can you do?
If that is the case...
Because I was happy once
In fact I was happy recently
Very very shortly
But that was taken from me
And it actually wasn't me
Not my fault at all
Until it was my fault
And then I took the blame
Now I stay quiet
With my head in my hands
Full of love and shame