It is my secret:
I am not afraid because I'm losing you, darling.
I'm afraid because I don't miss you.
And missing you is something
I desperately fear being without.

When I hit the ground on my hands and knees,
And my shock turned to pain turned to tears turned to pleas,
And the beat in my chest turned to stutters and seized,
They all said, you deserve better.
I said, "Please."

When I lay there all ******, killed by my own hand
And all of my dreams had dissolved into sand
And I had no wishes, no wants, no yearnings or demands,
They all said, you deserve better.
And I said, "And?"

When I struggled up to my knees, every day another blow,
When I learned that the tears and the blood, they both flow
Much the same when you've nowhere you're fixing to go,
They all said, you deserve better.
And I said, "I know."

When I stood once again riddled hollow with air,
And I tested my pulse but there was nothing there,
And everyone noticed my vacant cold stare,
They said, you deserve better.
I said, "I don't care."

When I met her again and my trussed thoughts were scattered,
And my heartbeat was tripping its new-old pitterpatter,
And my soul was alight once again, if now tattered,
She said, you deserve better.
I said, "Doesn't matter."

They all try to tell me that I'll end up fractured,
That I shouldn't love somebody like her,
That things just can't be the way that they were,
They say, you deserve better.
I say, "I'm sure."
And I think,
*I don't want better. I just want her.

I always remember having lost you,
Reminded when our storms paint the blue sky grey,
And all of the pain that I cost you,
But what hurts me are the sunny days.

Lying here soft by the window
My lover a doorway away,
And in a breeze the gauze curtains billow,
And I hear aloud words I never intended to say.

I see ghosts of the golden good memories that were.
Unbidden I wonder why you had to go,
And unasked-for the familiar stabbing ache stirs:

"I miss her," I murmur. "I know."

sometimes when i am home alone
and it's all quiet
even though the tv is droning
and outside the birds are singing

in that silence i sit down
leave it unbroken by words i could say
to lift from me a smile or distraction
that would mask your mark on me

i sit there and accept it
all

i pick up your old shirt
the one with minnie mouse on it
and i sit down on my floor
and i curl up and hold it

and i don't pretend
for a few moments
that anything
is okay.

Maybe if I ran away
The waiting
Wouldn't be so hard.
Because I'd be the one chased or let go
And not the one
Always quietly trying.

Sometimes when I am home alone
In the hazy heat of the afternoon
And the house is quiet
With its little creaks and groans
And my mind is stripped
Of all the other noise that might help it forget,
I smile instead,
And I turn on some soft music that echoes through the emptiness
With tender chords
And I take a walk around my empty house
And say hello to your ghosts.

The time you stood in your black skirt by my counter
And leaned on the chair.
I say hello to each of you,
Smile my love into your eyes
That aren't there.
If someone were to see me
Sitting on the couch
Holding hands that aren't there
Smiling sadly
Saying
"It's okay."
They'd probably think I was mad.

But sometimes
When no one's around
I like to say hello to all the times
I never could have loved you more.
I like to let my flashbacks,
The little slices of you that settled here
When my love of you shattered your memory and scattered you all about my life
In little sharp shards,
I like to let them exist completely
Like one film strip laid over another
So that two people
Who never met
Could seem to stand
Close together.

You are my permanent wound,
My favorite scar.
My love,
You live in my life with me.
And sometimes I stop,
And say hello to you.
Lay on my rose patterned rug
Up in my room
Right where we laid the first time you put your arms around me
And laughed at me for crying at Rent.
Look in the mirror where you fixed my hair
And let myself see you behind me
Instead of pretending you're not always there
Anyway.

Darling,
That's just the way things are.
You live in my life with me.
Sometimes I wonder if you feel a little tickle in your mind
When I do this,
When I say hello and look at you like you're my world
Because really
Why pretend
That you're not all over it
All in it
All around it
All the time?
When there you are
At my kitchen counter in your black skirt,
Leaning on my old chair,
Sitting on my couch about to give me a gift,
Dancing in my pointe shoes trying not to fall,
Laying on my bedroom floor,
Or in the mirror right behind me.
How can I always pretend that I am alone
When you don't leave?

I never want you to.
I am grateful for your little ghosts,
Film reels that play mere seconds on repeat,
Faded and scratched,
A little pale compared to the world around them.
They are my home.
After all this, they are finally home to me.

So sometimes when I'm all alone,
I like to thank them,
And say hello to the girl I loved
As she was when I first loved her.
Seeing you is like falling into bed after a long day of doing good-
Comforting, perfect...peaceful.
The little twinge of loss is there, but it just makes it sweeter,
Because those moments
Permanently painted over the little spots in my house
That I used to avoid,
And then rush through brazenly,
Angry that they still felt rough and sore,
That I finally stopped to look at
Had a good cry over,
And said hello to
And felt at home...
Those moments wouldn't mean as much
If they weren't gone forever.

I guess in the end
None of us really have that much time
Do we?

What makes me stronger than you, that I lived and you didn't?
And what makes me wish, so oddly, so intensely,
That we were exactly the same
And I stopped,
Still pure,
When my love left me?
I am Paulie's falcon
And I flew away.
And I wish I'd fallen instead,
When I fell from perfect love.