Her - Hello Poetry

Jul 2013

Mikaila

See how she goes, so sudden, so sure.
See how she stepped close warily, in slow motion, scared to be burned,
Like it would never happen if only she never touched you.
You reach for her,
But oh,
Watch how she goes-
Like a lightning strike, like a high speed chase, like a roller coaster drop.
You'll all see her flee, sad souls like me.
Watch.
See how she goes.
But you don't see.
Cause she's already gone.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Maybe

Maybe if your promises are only air like breathing,
Maybe so is your instant painful stabbing sudden leaving.
Maybe if you lied to me a thousand and one times,
You're lying once again, my love, and you'll be back sometime.
If you really love me, if you really meant your words,
Then maybe that love, even shot down, will linger in your world.
When I said that I could wait, I'm not sure you truly guessed.
I can wait for you until you cool, til you recall the rest:
The love, the irreplaceable, the devotion and the smiles
That honeyed both our worlds for the barest little while.

Maybe if you must leave me now you'll remember me in time,
Remember why you tried for me like no one else in line.
Don't think I won't be broken, but don't think that I will die.
I've got a life to live, a song to sing, a love to worship by.
You're here with me before, you're here with me hereafter.
You're here inside my soul, and you're what makes my heart hum faster.

Maybe if you leave me, I will lie in misery,
But darling if you leave me, you will not be killing me.
I've still got you to live for, doesn't matter if you hate me so,
I'll be living like I love you until death has laid me low.
And even then, my foolish love, I'll smile in my grave
Having known a life of loving you, of having my heart gave.

Maybe if I die in cold grey longing for your touch,
I'll see you then beyond the light, and never want for such.
I can't say I won't be wretched, I can't say I won't be crushed,
But I can say, my love, that I will live, if living cased in rust.
My friend, my love, perfect and pained, don't fret over my demise.
It will take much more than another fall to force me not to rise.
If you miss my company, if you truly love me dear,
I'll be where I have always been, for you, unfailingly
Here.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Be Still, Like Ice

Hold it back and hold it in, don't pine, foolish girl.
You may be restraining it for a tragically long time, foolish girl.
Learn to keep your passions tight in line, foolish girl.
Learn to hide and bide your eternal time, foolish girl.

It was you who banished your love to the depths, foolish girl.
And it is you who'll pay your heavy leaden debts, foolish girl.
You may writhe in pain and fear until you scream, foolish girl,
But leave your words of love to your cold dreams, foolish girl.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Dark Eyes

It is not your anger I fear.

Yours is hot like molten gold, deadly and quick,
The strike of a snake, a venom that sticks.
Its fiery acid eats its way through my veins,
But your anger is quick like the tide, like the rain.

It's your pain that I fear,

Frozen down to the core,
A mountain of glass to be thawed nevermore.
It's sharp and it's empty, it cuts to my heart
And as long as I wait, it is just at its start.

It's your black eyes that I fear,

Hollowed out and accusing.
Thin black ice over cold depths, brittle but unmoving.
If I don't step with care I'll be falling forever,
Your hate and your love tearing in equal measure.

It's your rawness I fear.

I've never seen it, you see.
It glares like the sun off the snow, blinding me.
You love me enough that you loathe me in spades
And in your eyes you're on your knees, bitter, digging my grave.

It's seeing it that scares me-

I thought your heart never showed,
In your eyes, in your voice, it's all killing me slow.
You're a mountain, a fortress, you don't show your hurt,
But all I see in your eyes is your form in the dirt

Clawing out of your coffin like I did back then.
I didn't know I could cause your serenity's end.
I didn't know you could cry over someone like me.
Didn't know I'd see it in your eyes, deep like the rolling sea.

I didn't know that you loved me if you'd throw me away.
I never know if you mean any words that you say.
Of love or of hate, are they true? Are they lies?
But I saw proof of both in your charcoal cold eyes.

Now your anger has eaten up all of its fuel,
But your pain is enduring, a deep dark silent pool.
And I'm drowning inside it, but somehow I know
I won't believe in your love, no matter which way this goes.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Feverish

I swear that I'm alive,
My spirit, stretching, strives.
When I recall
The wretched fall
My pulse pounces and dives.

I feel the bitten lips,
The wanton fingertips,
Before my eyes
The lovers' lies
Lie soft around my hips.

Until I'm dead and gone
My spirit hungers on
For tender touch,
A love too much.
To never feel alone.

I tell you, my heart beats.
My ribcage parts and meets.
Sometimes I hate
The living state,
But love the living heat.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Tenderness

Do you know the sound of the wind through the trees in the dead of a summer night?
The soft glow of the moon, golden on every surface,
Reflected deep brown in every shadow.
The balmy smoothness of the air along your skin, full of the sweetness of wet earth, new grass, and night blooming flowers.
The ghostly white moths that flit along the ocean of grass in the fields, capping billowing green waves.
The hush and hum of a sudden rain pattering on the sundried ground, darkening the darkness and blotting the moon with grey cotton clouds that glow from within.
Darling, I miss you like that. I miss you like a summer night. I miss you with that beauty,
Natural like a heartbeat,
Subtle like a breath,
Constant like the earth.
I miss you like a summer night.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Scald

I'd rather torch my soul, and burn like a falling star, than forget to miss you for even a moment.
It's a dancing flame that tells stories on the walls.
It's a forest fire that razes a thousand miles to ash.
I't s a cozy hearth in the middle of a snowy winter night.
It's a funeral pyre, a last goodbye scattered on the wind.
Oh, and I am alive, I am full of joy,
And I will BURN until I can't hold it,
Spin into fire like a supernova.
I won't be quenched by any tears.
They feed me and I grow.
I am the sun, and it has hurt me to be so bright.
I will consume everything I touch-
All the knowledge and wonder I can reach, I will have,
Oh love, I am hungry to live!
You've made me so vast, so white hot like an ember.
Down in the core of me, I am the kind of heat that is unendurable.
I am a hot day in the desert, destruction and beauty,
A mirage out of shimmering mist, out of light itself.
I am the smallest candle floating lonely on the coldest sea,
And I am the rising sun scorching the world awake.
I am the kind of blaze that cleanses, like a burning needle.
I am the boiling beneath the sea where the earth reaches for us from the inside.
I am light, glancing off every molecule, painting the world beautiful and agonizing.
Molten gold, liquid and scintillating, I am so full of fire.
I will never be cold again for having known you, my darling.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Smoke and Broken Mirrors

How can you love me and not look at me?
Hate me and let me in?
Reject my hand but clutch my heart?
How can you tell me lies and swear they are the truth,
And treat your honesty like deception?
How can you send me away and wonder why I am not close?
Betray me but admire me?
Threaten to leave me but fear to lose me?
Say you don't care but care in spite of your trying?
Abandon me but tell me I should trust you?
How can you be so ashamed of me in the light, and so proud to know me secretly?
How do you laugh off my love in the sun but cry about it in the dark?
How can you take everything from me but insist I am a burden?
How can you give me life and insist that you are one?
How can you be so cruel and so kind?
Do I even know the difference from you anymore?
Do I even care?
Love, how can you say I am so special and act as if I'm nothing?
Do you even know what you feel? What you are? What you love?
How can you be so stupidly young, and so gloriously deep?
So selfish but so giving?
So tyrannical but so tolerant?
So vicious but so tender?
How are you everything?
And how the hell
Do I hate you as much as I love you?

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Wonderland

I always beg you not to leave me.
I get angry, I get sad, I get afraid.
I sacrifice and sacrifice, until I think I've got no more to give up.
And then I give up more
Just to try and be absolutely sure
You won't walk away from me.
But darling... underneath I've known for a while
That all of that
Although intense, although real as an idea is
Soon as it's spoken,
Is merely a wrapping for another knowledge entirely.
The knowledge that makes me sad to look at you.
My love, you're gonna grow up,
You'll marry,
And have 2.5 kids.
You'll live, like people tend to do,
And yes, you'll do it without me-
I'm too peculiar for you.
Much too curious, much too much.
I'll be a flame that flairs and fades,
Too hot to touch
Before I'm gone.
And you'll live luke warm the way that's safe.
Nothing wrong with being how you should,
But you'd want to love someone who also could.
You see, the fear that's gnawing at me
Isn't that you'll walk away, my love,
Or even run fleeing like you did.
My fear is in knowing that the day I choose to accept it,
I will have already left you
Far behind.
That I will go on,
Have
Gone on,
And become so much more
Than just the girl who loves you,
Than just the girl who could worship at your feet.
For I did so, I do so,
Knowing already that I am worlds beyond.
I'm sad, I'm homesick, for you, my dear.
I hurt me, I hurt you,
So that I won't have to face that I'm
Missing you already,
Because I'm already gone.
And sometimes not even love like mine's enough-
Once I accept I've left,
I can feel that even if I try
I'll never be back.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

***** Boots or Glass Slippers

A bit off the heel and a bit off the toe,
It won't hurt very much, and they're pretty, you know.
I've got the perfect pair of shoes for you,
All you need is some fitting- an inch off or two.
A slice of skin here and a little blood there,
These are the most beautiful shoes you could wear.
Let you go? Heavens no!
I admire you so
With your perfect physique
And your delicate feet.
Oh it's only a smidgen, a droplet of blood!
Come now dear, no one's fond of a stick in the mud.
Come- rush to the ball and we'll all have such fun!
On second thought, maybe you, ah... shouldn't run...
It's worth it, though, isn't it? These beautiful shoes.
And darling, they look so exquisite on you.
There now, not so bad, and they fit perfectly,
All you needed was just a little surgery.
Now let's off to the ball and you'll dance all night long.
No silly, don't cry, you've got it all wrong!
I told you- you're beautiful just how you are,
Now come on and stop whining, you don't have to walk far.
But you see, there's no daughter, or stepmom, or shoes.
There's none of those things- there is me and there's you.
And you've got this idea of what I'm s'posed to be,
And as hard as I try, I'm not her, love, I'm me.
I'm afraid that no matter how much pain I bear,
I just don't fit in the shoes you are making me wear.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

525,600 Minutes, Two Deaths, and 13 Steps...

Shock
Oh no
The world's let go.
The rug pulled out
And I'm suspended.
Silent screams and haunted dreams,
I cram a thousand words into my skull,
Hoping that the pain will dull.
And I see no one
Even when other eyelashes
Brush my brow.
2. Denial (Epitaph I)
There is only so long
You can gaze into the mirror
And insist that you see nothing.
Maybe if I try harder...
Maybe if I change myself...
Maybe if I abandon everything and risk...
Maybe she'll come back
To me.
3. Grief
words
just don't
approach it
4. Rage
I touch no one
And no one touches me.
And I will burn you all to ash
Because you can't be
Who I need.
5. Hell
There is nothing I want.
There is only this day
This second
This survival.
There is no higher purpose.
There is only revenge
And suffering and cruelty.
Turn and burn and learn
To sit stewing ugly in your hate
And wear a saccharine smile
On a lovely face.
6. Acceptance
It's not gone.
It's not fixed.
But might as well try
Since there are decades left...
7. Relapse
For a golden moment
In the heat of summer
You loved me like I deserve.
Like you deserve.
Like we deserve.
For a shining second,
I might have been
Your choice.
8. Fear
To know you're close,
Holding my hand
But looking about
For another to reach for
Feels like
Decay.
9. Denial (Epitaph II)
No matter how many times I make you say it
I cannot make you mean it.
Fickle and cruel,
You chose me and backpedaled,
Flailing like a drown-victim
On her knees in a puddle,
And snapped back, elastic band heart,
To reject me twice.
10. Shackles
There is nowhere I can go
Where I do not feel trapped.
Here, there, every nook,
Full of barbed wire and broken glass.
Tightrope walker
With a safety net of needles.
You know not what it is
To die alive.
11. Choices
Nowhere to run.
Few places to hide.
Can I choose
Each day of my life
To twist the knife?
To love a soul in hell
When I could like one
In paradise?
12. Anger
You don't deserve a love like mine
When you'd choose anyone else first
And lie to me as if I'm special.
Sometimes your cruelty makes me sick
And I think it makes you sick
As well.
13. Acceptance
You're gone
And you may never return,
But I would be lying,
An awful traitor to my soul,
Were I to say I'll love another-
Let me burn**.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Fondly, Ever After

I am wonderful at hiding it, aren't I? You'll never see it again, love. But I'll feel it until I'm old and I've forgotten our name.
I'll have given you every day of not seeing it, and I'll breathe my last breath having lived my life far from you, but also right beside you.
I can slip you in beside my prayers, like the deity I always saw you as. I can keep reminders like a temple in my mind, for it was never just love, but a salvation.
Life goes on, and we move on, but that doesn't mean any of it's ever gone.
Not for me.
When I say forever, honey,
I mean it.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Vertigo

Curse your unconscious beauty, always damning,
Curse your cheekbones and your full dark lips,
Your little ways of speaking and of standing,
Your lashes, the inch of skin above your hips.
Curse your laugh, and your glittering eyes,
Curse your long legs and soft smooth skin,
Curse your velvet sunlight in disguise.
You're a war I'll never win.