Her - Hello Poetry

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Oh darling, you'll never realize just how incredible this is for me.
How you can tell me my worst nightmare has come to be,
And ask me to accept it, and I do.
Oh my love, you really don't have any clue.
I am astonishing myself, and you have no idea what it is.
No notion of something impossible as this.

I am surviving the only thing I never thought I could.
And you assumed I always had and always would.
You see me and I go on, permanent as the night.
You can't imagine what it's like,
To do what I've been told to do.
To have more weight than you can carry heaped upon you.
And then more,
And more,
Within the shortest wink of time's despair.
To be expected to seem as if it's light as air,
Even as you wonder if tomorrow you'll even be there,
Crushed this next second? Or this one?

You don't know the edge I stood on, toes curling over an emptiness that yawns,
Wind tickling my back
To make my stomach leap the gap,
You don't know what it feels like to take a deep breath
And take a step,
When you know that there is nothing there in front of you but air,
And a ground too far away to be perceived or even dreamed. No matter how long I prepared,
The fall loomed at a sickening skew.
You have no idea what I've just done for you,
How it is the most I've ever done for anyone.
How each day I fight the ***** of fear that I'll be gone.

Morning breaks and I wake up thinking, "Today I too will break. This is it.
Today I will feel the force of all of it."
You don't know how each night I lay down, shocked that it was not today.
You don't know just how easy it would be to walk away,
Send it all to hell and say enough.
I am not trapped here by anything but my choice to love.

And that is why my existence is extraordinary,
And shall be.
No matter where I go from here,
Each day that I wake up with that crushing fear
And live anyway
No matter how much else may go astray,
I will have already been astounding for just that.
I will have already fought the hardest battle:
There is no winning
There is no losing
No banishment of scared and sad and lonely
There is only

I am not dead yet.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Black

I will keep shocking you until you realize that I will always shock you.

I will do precisely what you wish I wouldn't do,
Until you understand that my life depends on you.

I will keep dying until you realize that I will always die, and that there is nothing you can do about it.

I will throw away the things you love in me,
Until my love is all there is and all you see.

I will keep hurting until you realize that you care if I do.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Passing the Time

Here I am again, it's 4pm.
Online searching "Ways to Combat Depression"
How did I get into the mess I'm in?
It's only 4pm.

The sun still filters through my window.
Cindy Whatshername says it raises serotonin.
How am I ever going to win?
It's...it's only 4pm.

All day long I felt the pressure,
Pounding like a hammer in my head.
Remind me how I'm not already dead?
It's only 4pm.

It's afternoon and the lists are full:
Vegetables, vitamins, a positive outlook.
But Cindy, I'm sorry, I can't buy your new book.
It's only 4 pm.

Once the sun has fled, it's true, it feels dark.
I never really appreciate its light.
But now it is a weapon in a fight.
Oh look, it's 4:02pm.

How early in the day can you regret it?
Waking up and going out at all.
These are just dumb ways to slow the fall.
And pass the time until it's later on.

Watch funny movies, do yoga, try a new sport.
Take supplements, read books, set up goals.
Get some sleep, try to have some fun, and you'll feel whole.
I've done all that. It's only 4 pm.

I don't need advice I've tried already,
I've done all this so many times before.
I don't want to feel defeated anymore.
God, it's only 4!

They say it's caused by anger,
Well, I've got that.
I've got plenty in my life I can be mad at.
I've got hours to explain.

They say you have to face what you've been hiding,
Well believe me, I have really tried.
And several times over again I've died.
And you know... it's only 4pm.

It's 4pm and here I am, alone
Watching a funny show, researching
"Ways to Combat Depression" and I'm searching.
I know someday my search will have its end.
But...I don't know how to do this,
And how am I going through this?
Isolated within memories I always miss.
Toes curling the at edges of a darkening abyss.
And it's too much to continue to dismiss.
And it's
And...it's....

It's only 4pm.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Mark Your Words

Write on me.
Scrawl a curly-lettered note.
Let it hate me, let it love me, but I want to feel it.
I want it all along my collarbones, and choking around my neck.
I want it twisting down my arms and pulling softly at my spine.
I want it caving in my stomach, I want it eating at my heart,
I want it sinking in beneath my skin,
I want it to reach the inside.
I want words of yours carved in my ribs,
So that when I gasp another breath,
They scrape along the underside of my flesh.
I want them to find my pulse, to grip it like a vice.
I want your sentiments racing through my blood like venom and cure,
I want your words wrapped around my lungs like gauze,
Curling through my mind like smoke.
I am so fragile.
I want you to write on me.
Tell me how you'll touch me again, break me again.
Make me stop.
Say how you'll hate me again, love me again...make it stop!
Write me eternal, fleeting,
Stop time.
Stop this.
Stop me.
Stop, oh, stop...
Please, write on me.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Yet

It's not over for you.
Life will find you something wonderful.
It can't be over for you.
You haven't begun yet.
That is no beginning, love,
To have happiness for but a breath,
And spend all the others gasping like you're drowning.
No,
It's not over for you. You can't die yet:
You haven't lived.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Ashen

I had a dream once that I was dying.
My blood was seeping out through an ugly wound in my stomach,
Angry red.
And I reached for you, in fear.
I asked you to hold me and lie that you loved me
And you did.
You looked at me with all the tenderness I felt for you,
And I closed my eyes smiling.
But sadly, I closed my eyes to open them
On an empty room, grey with moonlight
And a truth drenched world,
Grey with loss.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

A Dream of Mine

I want to die in your arms.
Long nights, full of the smoke of darkness,
I have thought it in secret, in longing.
Who thinks such things? But I do.
I dream of it, like it's a salvation.
All my anger, all my fear and sadness, all my wretchedness,
I am proud.
And I want it gone.
I want it taken by your breathless touch on my cheek,
Your tears.
I want to die in your arms.
When I leave this world, I want you next to me.
I want you holding me.
I want your words the last I hear,
And I want my last breath to be your name.
I've tried so hard not to want it, my love,
Told myself it was wrong.
But blood and tears are much the same,
Sliced from you they both fall free.
I want to die in your arms.
I want to see your face last.
I want anything from you, in the end.
If you hate me for dying,
If you hate me for taking too long to die,
If you love me for loving you,
If you love me in apology
I want to hear it when I'm dying, in my last moments.
I want your voice, your words, your sighs, your eyes meeting mine.
I don't want to die, darling.
But I want to die in your arms.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Sins

Lately you're tender,
And my heart greedily takes,
While my mind warily wonders.
What is the reason?
Do you love me in tenderness, in passion?
Or do you love me in repentance?
Darling,
I've not the strength
To refuse to be your atonement.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Tense

Now is just now.
Now is not then.
Now is not will be.
Now is only now.
It's only now.
And I can live through now
Knowing that now will soon
Be then.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Karma's Little Thorn

Sleep your day away
Sleep your life away.
Lay there, head buried, eyes tight shut
Past the dawn and past the dusk.
Sleep until you feel sick,
Until your pounding, hammering heart is fooled by dreams
And slows.
But every few hours you stir enough, and
SLAM SLAM again against your ribcage.
Sh, little one. This is only a dream.
Go back to sleep and wake in reality.
The light from your windows screaming
"Think you know darkness?
Go looking for it?
I'll show you darkness."
Oh darling, no matter how long you hide
It is not you who controls when your nightmare ends.
Is the dawn near?
Or has the sun only just set?

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Waiting

It's like being trapped in glass,
Frozen without even a breath
You wait to be smashed
To be released or destroyed,
And the waiting is agony.
It hurts like being paralyzed.
No move can you make
No word can you say
No scream gets to the surface.
It's all locked inside,
Happening but not happening.
It does more damage in than out
But you are suspended,
Hardened into immobility,
Encased in silence.
And you wait. And the waiting is what really makes you weak.
The longer you are here,
A paused person, a heartbeat halfway done,
A lung half full of air,
A step almost taken,
The longer you are frozen, the more brittle you become
Until the flick of a fingernail can shatter you
And leave you dust upon the floor.
And you know it, and you wait,
And it will come.
But when?
And really, which is worse?

Jul 2013

Mikaila

The Whir of Tiny Wings

Hummingbird heart flutters in your throat.
It's like having someone squeeze your lungs slowly.
It must be what dying feels like,
Hummingbird heart.
You know how their wings beat so fast and hard,
How you only see the blur?
Hummingbird heart,
It HURTS to be so fast inside.
Whirring like a machine out of control, overheating,
Friction fire in your throat,
Tears escaping bare and raw.
It hurts to be so vicious, like a runaway train with sparks flying.
Hummingbird heart,
Stuck on the other side of glass, pounding, pounding to get out.
Hummingbird heart, faster, faster.
A balloon about to burst.
Whirring, spinning, shivering.
Hummingbird heart,
Nowhere to run.
Hummingbird heart,
Nothing to be done.
Hummingbird heart,
Hemmed in, stuck fast, immobilized.
Hummingbird heart,
Speeding up, frantic, painful.
Hummingbird heart,
You don't have long.

Jul 2013

Mikaila

Venom Girl

"Everybody thinks you're crazy."
How much does a phrase like that hurt?
Almost as much as what it means.
Acid, eating through layers of your skin,
Slowly burning down to the marrow of your bones.
"Everybody thinks you're crazy."
Doesn't matter if you are or not.
Who's to say I'm not, after all?
But that it's said, that it's believed.
You have no right to think it
If you haven't lived it.
Ever felt like ripping your own skin off?
Ever writhed in the night full of screams that won't sound
Even when you try?
Ever sat in a quiet classroom and wondered if this next moment you would sob?
Ever had your heart beat so fast and hard, for such a long time
That you worried it would fail for real?
Ever seen a doctor about it?
Ever begged someone to help you and had them not believe?
Ever been so afraid that you wished you were dead just so it would stop?
No?
Then shut the **** up.
You know nothing.
"Everybody thinks you're crazy."
Must you twist the knife?
Must that make me nothing?
You fight to ****, darling.
You do
And I don't.
Is that why everybody thinks I'm crazy?