if i had a dream for you
a dream for anyone
anything
i'd catch it up
in my hands
kidnap it
from the air
keep it
to look at
when i'm sad
like a bitter
dandelion
i once imprisioned

try to steal warmth
from the dry
cup of coffee
in your hands
shiver
quake

contain

contain

contain.

and when these tears
find a pathway out
i will not let you see them,
daddy
i will not shout
i will not scream
with the pain
of this last
twist of the knife
i will be here for you
without tears
i will paint myself
brave
i will be
as i am not
i will be
ok
this i promise
you

i would cry a lot
right now
if i had any tears
left
after these
two years.
you ****** me dry
but you haven't stopped there
you want the empty shell,
too.
i hope that she'll
keep a smile
on your
gravestone face
put some sort of light
back into your
chopping-block
eyes
i hope that shell of me
will keep you warm
on the freezing nights
you are alone
that you have inflicted
upon yourself
i hope this hollow girl
that used to be
your daughter
will make you happy
finally

i watch as
worry
fear
the promise of
incarceration
skips across me
and then settles
into dad's wrinkly
face.

thirteen
thousand
dollars

a
sixty-two year old
man
who's worked
his whole life
for a family
stuck with a bill
by a cup of coffee
with yellow teeth
and diamond earrings
on a leather couch

thirteen  
thousand
dollars

people are always asking
how much am i worth to you
how much money
would you give
to be with
me

thirteen
thousand
dollars

is the cost of
one whole year
that threw your entire life
into shadow
doubt
complete and utter
chaos
fear
despair

thirteen
thousand -

- pieces of paper
that we have put worth upon
now decide
your fate
you will lose your
house
your family
everything
you own
if you do not pay
but let's be real
you've lost it all
before
can once more
hurt
any less

thirteen
thousand
*******
dollars

in arrear
fees
this is how much
one year
of complete horror
is worth
and no,
no one pays the ones who suffered
we pay
those that won...

thirteen
thousand
dollars.

sometimes
i get so frustrated with my dad
i yell at him
accuse him
blame him
i refuse to eat
whatever he's spent
so much time
and effort cooking for me...
and all of the above
is the result of
hating that he has to do it
in the first place
and it's absolutely idiotic
and horrible of me
to do this to him
but i can't translate
the pain
in a healthy way
i can't articulate
that some minuscule
dead
part of me
misses mom
even
after everything
every time
she tries to talk to me
it's like she pushes
this reset button
and i am back
with my old friends
panic attack,
despair,
hatred
and the tears slip out of me
so easily
i no longer feel them
they have become
so natural
like the freckles
on my face
my life is freckled
with tears

there are some people
that you know
you should feel sorry for
like your mother
who's cleaning out
your old room
in the house
she kicked you out of
and crying
but i can't feel sorry for you,
mom
you've made it
impossible.
what i lived through
then
was nothing
compared to what i had to live through
when you left
the worst part is
i didn't live through it
i'm a ghost
a shadow
a short lived
glinting
ray
of what i used to be
and it's all
your
fault.

you know what they say
you've heard it
forever
"the separation
gets easier
as time goes
on"
yeah
that's what every
single
person
who has never
ever
come close
to your situation
says
like the concept that
people will like bread more
if it's toasted
or that
cheese
is better
when you give it time
to mould
those are the kind of people
who are trying to tell me
it's going to be ok
someday
shut the **** up
drink your expensive wine
and leave me
alone

you know that moment
when someone begs you to stay
but you leave
as awkwardly
and quickly
as you can
just because
you can't
emotionally
physically
handle them
anymore?
sometimes i feel like
that's my life
every single
day.

there are some people
in this world
who have no right
to occupy
your every thought.
not everyone
is
entitled
to a piece of you...
remember that.
be more careful
with who you give
yourself to
some people just
take
you
and do whatever
the ****
they want;
don't let them
it's not their
right.
some people will
ask for your
heart
then take it
look through it
like a piece of nothing
toss it
aside
they have no
right.
give yourself
to no one
but yourself
change for no one
but yourself
be no one
but yourself
trust no one
not even
you
because you,
dear red
always give yourself away
to murderers
and you die
over
and
over
again

pick apart
the pimples on your face
which is really
a great reminder
of all the things
you can't erase
push that restart button
on your ancient NES
click click click
punch
it won't make you less
hurt

listen
to yourself breathe
you didn't leave
see
the dents in the wall
they're what keep you
in this room
in this chalky
worn
hall
can you hear that
in
out
pull in
capture
release
breathing
you're still here
there's no way out
trapped
with this silent shout
of a poem
to keep you company
you
cannot
leave

i stare at these
pages
with my glassy
dead
eyes
no connection
no palpitation
nothing that brings my heart
back to life
almost two years
and the pain is so deep
under the surface
like the memories...
i can hardly
bid them
rise

maybe this is good
and maybe i would think it was
if i could feel something
anything