Waves frozen mid-crash.
Cold sinks through the glove.
Trace swallowed by frost.
Sand buried in snow.
Red hot volcanos.
Arid palm trees sway.
Long for the scarce green.
That’s how I escape.

You didn’t come all this way to slap me in the face.
With rubies on your white gloves red like blood.
You didn’t come all this way to leave me on ice.
Roofed over a brick maze, here comes the drop.
You didn’t come all this way to send the chandelier down.
Perforating me with a hundred million shards.
You didn’t come all this way to cave the roof in on me.
I fear nothing having climbed on top of what I feared.

I am evil, who isn’t?
I dream of scarlet and crimson and vampirism.
I am fixed in stone forever.
I fantasize about ribbons and bruises on knees.

You run out of paint, you bleed for art.
I could save myself, but I’m not that smart.

Watch me fly away, light hitting the mark.
I’m visibly drained, I’m visible now.

I’m the villain of my life and his, so be it.
Call me whatever suits you, we ain’t gotta coexist.
In fact, I went from wishing you the world to wishing you wrong, such a banal story.
Hope you at least hate me now.
Cause you never could’ve loved me.
Never could’ve loved me.
Never could’ve loved me.
I wanted to change for you.
But you done made light of me.
I’ve accepted that I’m the bad guy, I’ve connected the dots.
I can see the full picture now.
You never could’ve loved me, never been honest with me.
I’m prominent in your thoughts, smack dab in the center of your mind.
You never could’ve loved me.
I hope you ******* hate me now.

Yeah I sold my soul to be happy.
Are you satisfied?
You wanna hear what you crave.
Believe any little lie.
Just to help you sleep at night.
Tell your bingo ******* and ridden of brains buddies to step forth and say their piece.
Block them out, look the other way.
Trash has a habit of taking itself away.
Here’s your applause, you’re so fun.
Digging under others just to keep your head up.
Such a classic tale.
Jokes that write themselves give the longest laugh.

I forget your existence until you cross my path again.
Can’t keep my name out your mouth, I can keep you out my hair.
Take a breath, why’re you mad for?
See any bags under my eyes?
Note the difference, I phase straight through you like a ghost more alive than you.
Still unfazed though, note that too.
Find a job, I don’t see you.
You’re way too dry to be riding me like that.
Obsession is bad for beauty, so take a step back.
Why don’t you just keep me at bay if you hate me so much?
I’m glad you do though.
Prolly dream of me at night.
And thanks for giving me a laugh.
When you’re done, close the door.

I’m gorgeous!
Vibing under lemon trees.
Never getting on my knees.
I have everything I want here.
I’m so ******* fabulous!
Nonchalance suits me best.
Hate motivates me best.
I’m genuinely sorry for you.
I’d be mad if I was you, so don’t worry.
I feel nothing when I see you.
Only gratitude for who I am, not sorry.

You’re so anti-me now, get gone.
I’m so over-you now, I get going.
Light as breeze
Sweet lemon tree
Smiling for free
I’m not ******* sorry.
I don’t look back
Got no sympathy
You talk about me
Like an A-list *****.
Thanks for the spotlight, I feel awesome though.
You know you’re the **** when they hate you.
I’m your A-list *****.

You never could’ve had me.
I should’ve seen it, but
you never could’ve loved me.
Hope you ******* hate me now.

Now they know.
Puff into smoke.
Footprints gone.
Lost in the snow.
I was blowing dandelions in a careless state of mind.
I should’ve been more careful.
There’s no future for me now.
Icy cold gazing and butterfly attacks.
Impossible layouts and ravaging traps.
I admit the fault is mine, I’ll be more careful next time,
but next time you won’t see me fall.

I did the unimaginable and don’t feel sorry.
Plus I’d do it all again if I could, I love it.
Subzero, my heart measures subzero.
I gotta disappear, now I’m the antihero.
There’s nothing for me here, my chances equal zero.
My image’s shattered like an icy pond, here goes the thaw.
I’ll need somewhere to go, this rocky terrain’s cold and raw like steel.
Pull a Houdini, pull a rabbit out a hat, disappear cause I don’t give a ****.
Pull on a hood, eerie is what the air feels like, no matter what to blow their minds.
Now I’m naked in the snow, it’s subzero.
Gotta go, my heart’s frozen in fear.
And I’m freezing cause my veil is off.
I’ll vanish tracelessly like Bella Goth.

I’ve been blowing dandelions with my armor off.
In a garland of wildflowers cut loose with my sword.
I tried to catch a butterfly as it sat down on my lap.
It was a monster in disguise.
Blowing kisses to fire.
Got a sword through my back.
Running ruse over liars.
Those who swore had my back.
I’ve been slashing demons and making sure they lay abated.
But my current version is a monster only y’all created.
Icicles growing inside my chest.
Puncturing my heart and the gist is I made it that way.
I made it that way, yes.
I could’ve stayed but I had to make it that way.
I had to run away.
I’ve been opening doors not meant to be touched.
Been extracting good things through the eye of the needle.
I could’ve put on a scene, but into smoke I just puffed.
I got caught red-hearted, but red ain’t the shade of evil.
It’s love.
It’s all I’ve wanted, but be careful what you ask for.
I’m gone.
They followed footprints, but they faded in the snow.
I’ve been blowing dandelions in a careless state of mind.
I should’ve done it elsewhere.
But do I regret it?
I do not.

I’m fine being the bad guy long as he knows I’m his baby.
Burned to the ground but so what?
I got him, I got him.
I’m fine getting called slurs as long as he knows that I love him.
I don’t talk to anyone but him, and?
Only him, only him.
I don’t give a **** if my hair’s all messed up or my anxiety’s kicking in,
cause I got him, I got him.
I seriously don’t give a **** what they whisper when I’m absent,
cause I got him, I got him, and he knows that I love him.

Run away together.
After the pale sunlight.
Been blowing dandelions.
Their seeds all caught on fire.
I gave love a try when I shouldn’t have, I blew my cover.
Now that I’ve disappeared I love somebody else and love it.
And I don’t care what they think, what I did too soon.
What you give away for free is what follows you.

Baby, I’m soft like candle flame.
For I allowed myself to waver and wane.
I thought that was the trick to ignite the lights inside their stupid, pretty heads.
Alas, it was all in vain.
They could never love me for my poetry and late night whereabouts, the way I make my bed, the way I watch the stars.
But you, sweet as revenge, you came into my heart cause I let you in.
I could’ve chosen somebody next door, but I didn’t.
I could’ve listened to Sylvia Plath and loved a thunderbird instead of him.
Instead of the easy way back into poetry, I chose to fall deep for you,
and willingly I fell
into its whirl.
I’m fearless for this and for that and for what it’s worth I’m proud of myself more than ever.
Every lover I wished I could keep by my chest at night is now my enemy, but they’ve given me more than they know.
I ruin everything or maybe I’m too smart to chase thunderbirds, listening to abrasion taking place in earshot, time is running low.
It’s a long shot, but I think I might be right and despite the unfortunate events, I have more time than I know.
I’m only sweet and hot like summertime and I don’t dare throw my best days to the wind chimes’ tinkling.
I’m head-deep in my vulnerability and it’s feeling so **** sweet, swimming in debris, having more than I asked for.
San Juan, love me, please.
I’m still waiting for love to happen to me.
Patiently, enduringly withstanding summer breeze extinguishing me.
I’m open again to a new pair of arms to guard me from wind eroding me, erasing me off the face of Earth like sandcastles left to be.
I’m soft like candle flame, Juan, love me deeply, please.
Deep like the deepest point of the ocean, that’s how deep I wanna delve into you.
I haven’t loved anyone for more than a year, can you change that, please?
At least now I know it’s not me.
Can you love me, please?
Do you see yourself next to me?
Don’t you mind me asking?
It’s not like I’ll be this young and eager for dozens of summers, so I’m emptying this glass that happiness is until I find my peace,
find somebody to share it with.
Just tell me I’m not unfit to be loved.
Juan, I understand I’m not the problem, but can you verify that though?

I was lying on the grass dotted by raindrops fallen from the sky.
It was grayish blue and the sun wasn’t there to shine upon me with my head on my blue bag and my legs bent at the knees.
My phone buzzed once or twice, I didn’t look.
I was listening to a singer’s song, so hooked.
It was my last day here at the festival, I was worn out by waiting in lines just to stare into celebrities’ eyes.
I sought a little bit of paradise,
something to remember,
something so ephemeral.
And when I looked up to the sky with my eyes shut tight I felt something just as momentary and small and fragile hitting my forehead gently and gracefully and I felt
cool with having given him a try.
Facing love with raindrops falling from the sky.
I’m so bad, I’m so bad.
But I’m so good at it.
I can’t help but be bad.
It’s a hard habit.
But I’m soft like the clouds, the fluffy ones, not thunderclouds, and I can tell a good guy from a ******* sucker.
It’s just I’m nervous when I smile, I see chairs lined up and I see people cheering for us and I don’t know if I can last a while
in a relationship.
If I want to marry, ever.
I don’t wanna tell my family and go to dinners together at randomly chosen places strewn across the burning desert.
At times like this I look up to the gray-blue sky, try to touch it with my fingertips and I drown my worries out in summer festivals, lay my head on yellow arid grass and I lie
so alive
raindrops falling on me gently from the darkening sky.
I count them, I feel one, two, three, four, five.
That’s five good things that happened to me since I said yes to this one good guy.
Wish he was here beside me.
Where he comes from there’s no rainclouds in the sky.

I wouldn’t call myself beautiful at night, moonshot.
I learned to keep my head up, but it’s still a long shot.
What I portrayed was only a version,
a diversion from what lay behind the veil.
It rained stars,
around my head.
Now I love me,
big thanks.

I thought the man I had eyes for couldn’t love me back cause I wasn’t beautiful.
But I changed my hair.
My glasses too.
Lost forty pounds.
Grew confidence too.
But I didn’t return to his doorstep to beg for acceptance again.
I know one thing.
I deserve better.
Than someone like him.
For what it’s worth, ******* for the heartbreak but thank you for making me
beautiful.

The sweet are the danger, you can’t always see the spikes on roses blooming.
But what you can do is choose happy over doubtful, it’s a gift to know how to.
Being trapped in a body you hate, it’s a misery that only you have the power to eliminate.
It’s a weird thing for me to say, but I only learned to love me having hated me.

Now I call myself worthy at day, sunshine.
I manage to absorb the bright, starlight.
Next step is finding someone capable of holding me together.
And making me believe I’m beautiful when I’m all kinds of ****** up.
Not just on my best days.

I want someone who loves Laurel Canyon like Tori does,
knows who Joni Mitchell is,
and goes for hikes in the summer up Mount Hollywood Drive, little thought of the heat.
Brings me coffee to the nightstand, never goes to the nightclub,
watches sunsets from the pier’s end and adores bleeding hearts.
Like this Max I’ve crushed on for some time, but he’s over the mountains.
I don’t let that get over my head, he’s really cute when he stutters
and the **** he posts gives me butterflies.
But I’m hung up on Juan, I think he’s the one, but he doesn’t yet know about my poems.
Bry David wanted money, Ian wanted something I couldn’t provide.
Something about these guys made me numb to the oceanic continent divide.
Nothing I can specify made me dumb for somebody fraudulently divine.
Patrick is so ******* cute that every time I see him I risk falling in love,
but he’s like a bath in winter.
There was Dan, but I lost interest and there’s someone else.
He’s kinda cute too, but I’m good smelling flowers at Point Dume, reply asap when he texts me.

I’m out the tunnel now,
I want the opposite of what I wanted.
Think I’ll dye my hair brown
just to differ even more from old me.
Smelling bleeding hearts
and it’s very ironic that I’m better off
without him than with him
no one specific.
It’s just if you don’t play with fire you can’t burn yourself.
And I want a boyfriend but I like sleeping alone in my bed.

Only light the room up when you come in.
Spit whatever nonsense you want, say it American.
I’ve no type I think.
Long as he lights the room up, like a firework star.
My first fourth of July was in Los Angeles.
But I’ve only danced with devils wearing halos on their heads.
I need him to light that **** up, sparks ablaze.
I like being lonely and bleeding hearts, but I want to take
someone to Griffith Park at dusk
rate my love song ten stars
**** me ******* off the drive
listen to me rant about my life
buy me coca cola in the night
take a trip down memory lane to 2019 cause I
miss who I was but I love me now
I was so much better, too young to need love.
Not a wasteland replanted yet, but something lush, not too avid, cause that I never was.
Wish you had the pleasure of meeting me then.
Wish I could meet you now, but I don’t know.
I’m still not paranoid.

One time I felt like I was ice skating on Lake Michigan in a blizzard.
I lost the shoreline forever.
And the grip of fear.
I was out of place like a 14 year old listening to Hejira.
I still feel so in a way.
No gazing at my rear.
I got laid in my hometown and I sneer at my childhood friends like I never loved them.
I’ve been different 20 people since my birth and I feel like I’ve found the one that suits me best.
Like a fuzzy coat in winter, taking meds, healing slowly, **** my ex, I’m skating on Lake Michigan, baggage back in Madison, far from wifi, farther from home, I feel nothing but nipping from the frigidity and tight embrace of freedom.
I skate on into the blizzard and I haven’t seen a winter so winter-like since I rode on a sleigh pulled by my uncle’s car ‘round my beloved apartment complex.
All I see is white.
Like a fresh page of life.
You sow nothing, you get nothing.
Find no weevils in your garden, sweet fruit either.
That’s why I’m leaving y’all to concentrate on what I want and I skate into the nothingness of Lake Michigan, where only frostbite’s capable of breaking my heart.
It’s just a rest stop though.
I’ve yet to rise in love.
I’ll have my pasta date in Paris someday.
I’ll regret wasting my first real kiss with a hookup, I just didn’t wanna die a ******, so I squandered something artificial, boo-*******-hoo, life’s a travelog, put my fuckboys’ names in a catalog, remember what they gave me.
So let me swirl around, draw curvy lines, interlacing hearts.
Privately pretty.
Let me daydream of the day when I feel pretty as to get me some, when I dive into his ***** arms, wrap them round me like a shawl I’ve never worn, but feel like home.
I’m skating on Lake Michigan, left my heart in Madison, en route to Manhattan.
And I’m on the mending route of heart.

I started dreaming about him and then I stopped.
You’re only in love forever until you’re not.
He was my all but now I don’t even feel possessionless having parted ways.
Cause love is love until it’s not.

I fell in love with him and then I fell out.
He was my second half until we fell apart.
I ran into his arms like a coffee shop and it tasted real good.
It’s just that I had my share of you.

I’m nobody’s until I’m someone’s
and I’m taken until I’m free.
I swear I could’ve been forever with him,
but I guess finite are all things that are free.
Now I’ve no interest in finding the reason
cause love is a myth until it isn’t.

Won’t namedrop but I knew someone, if you know you know.
No teardrops but I thought that I found a matching soul.
Foolish of me, ******* love me when I’m in my prime.
Gonna keep them nameless, you ain’t worth of my time.
I’m speaking hella sharp, but I’ve been cutting ******* off.
I’ve been hanging with the stars, looking down at them from above.
You’re either with me or against me, either **** me or respect me, won’t exploit me for your own gain, won’t deliver any more pain.
That’s what I’m saying.
There’s more fakes out there than you know.
Not namedropping any though.

I only keep up with my x’s to see the progress I’ve made.
Wish I’d thought of all the x’s on the list of things I hate.
I was desperate and had nothing, you were greedy and forced-laughing.
One thing I could never respect is stirring thoughts inside my head.
And I get I’m not your type and I get your friends are cooler.
Understand I’m not a nine, don’t rain money at the jeweler.
Don’t follow your buddies’ insta, you ain’t even on my finsta.
Finna unfollow you instantly, you don’t double tap my pics now.
And don’t call if you gon’ cancel, amped me up and why was that?
Then you asking me for Franklins like I owe you anything.
I’ve seen hints and indications, that you weren’t genuine.
I just wish I trusted my gut when you dropped out on me and ghosted.
Right before my prom, should’ve spoke over that graveyard silence.
What the **** was wrong with me to let that go like nothing happened?
Oh, I know.
I had nobody else.
Least I’m not hypocritical, I offed whoever bugged me on.
Killed them with a swoop of success, brought the scissors out, cutoff.
Wonder why I’m so proud now and the answer’s clear as day.
You would too if you evolved from prey to bird of prey.
If you gon talk about me, know I didn’t have to be your frenemy.
Actually scratch that, the act is off, I’ll proudly be your enemy.
You just wanted the gleam and the glory that I had to give.
Just so you know I almost called off a whole affair for it.
See, I’m not a faker, least I admit I wanted you like that.
Many years now, I still hope somebody does you just like that.
I still don’t wish you dead, your downfall’s not what’s in my mind.
I learn from self-inflicted wounds and don’t make that mistake twice.
Won’t namedrop, it applies to more than one.
No-named hoes, I feel my worthiness now.
I lost my Madison card now, pay deserved hostility back, dropped the invisibility act, I did all you said I couldn’t.
Rubbed it in your face like snow, envy’s stinging ***? You blew it.
I could have a boyfriend but I’m good and I will find tranquility in reproving.
Reflecting about them got me irresolute and so I’m calling your BS for improving.

******* want what you have, so I make what I have known.
******* take what you offer, in exchange they give you none.
Real ****, I turn the valve off, whatever we had is gone.
You ain’t getting any of me, not even the low and worst.
Won’t namedrop, but it’s all I’ve ever truly known.
Would namedrop, but that’s against my point.
Won’t call out, can’t win once the die are thrown.
We fell out out of place, cause you pushy like dominoes.
True story, ******* only loved me when I brought them pride by association.
Long story short, only acknowledged me upon receiving shared congratulations.
So I turned my back and ******* scattered disinterested in all directions.
I’d rather look for true bonds than relish false and forced appreciation.
And I ain’t feel the need to hear them say it for finalization.
If I said I hate you for that **** that’d be an exaggeration.
Grudge’s an understatement, I could argue but want no continuation.
One day you’ll perch in the shadow I cast and have your realization.
I heard unforgiveness is unhealthy, but since I found respect for me, I’ve been feeling myself.
You’ve got every right to hate me, sure as **** you won’t exploit me, you’d be playing yourself.
It’s these no-names that reinforced my insecure soul.
You gotta lose something to be grateful for your all.
You gotta have nothing to fearlessly give your all.
And as cliché as it is, every heartbreak makes you flyer.
Every stabbing gives you scars and the scars they give you power.
I take pride in my journey to a menace from a coward.
What I lost was never mine and what is truly mine will find me.
I could wait my whole life for it, nobody’s ***** just to feel happy.

I dress to **** and I **** for fun.
I got all the bags and for money they run.
I’m into winning haters over, it’s my hobby.
And if you don’t pay tribute, this ain’t over, catch a body.
You’re over and I’m only getting started.
No lover but my boo got all my pics hearted.
Plain Jane and I’m rocking that Versace shirt.
No name and I’m high-fiving celebs, hold the girl.

**** me or *******.
I don’t buy your bull but buy expensive ****.
Wack but you’re still hot, can’t deny it.
So make your mind up or stop hindering me.

I dress for revenge and I avenge everything.
I’m winning every game and make sure you’re spectating.
I can rock vampire fangs, I could be your villain arc.
I got Kylie challenge lips, I can kiss yours in the dark.
But you’re playing! and you ain’t even winning.
Think you’re flexing? nah honey, you’re spreading the red carpet for me.
Know your worth! next to me you ain’t a penny.
Think I care? You in the top million things that affects me.

**** me or *******.
I don’t buy your bull but buy expensive ****.
Pretty but ******, it ain’t working for me.
Real ****, I did like you, now I rub that **** in.

Grab something quick, cause you falling off.
Joke, you’ve been lying face down at the bedrock.
Could’ve been my bed but you ain’t made it.
Could’ve said I ain’t it, but you didn’t say ****.
Could’ve won ya over but I’m kinda glad I didn’t.
You stay playing games, but I got better achievements.
I’d compete, but I need at least some competition.
You’re worthy, but only of cleaning up my *******.
I’m an effin’ G, go build me an effigy.
Why you so effin’ jelly, on top of that buttery.
I saw you the other day and I was like eww.
Whatever I smoked to be attracted to you.
Kinda glad now I ain’t leaned to kiss you up there.
Bonafide ******* and certified **** muncher.
I’m what you wish you were, I’m grateful I ain’t you.
Now watch me be a faker, cause you didn’t want me true.
You want my spot, then go clean my ***.
I eat a lot, I’m eating this **** up.
You want my spot, loser I dare you not.
You ain’t spitting facts, just go get a mop.

So *******, I guess.

I left my phone in the cabin
went out with nothing.
I took the road never traveled
it was quite something.
I got a favorite tree that leans into the road
and as I caressed its branch wet after a storm
it sprinkled down onto the moss bed made down below.
I couldn’t help but to tread on.
It was soft under my shoes and I sunk in it like quicksand
I wanted to listen to blues and let the moment breathe deeply
what a calamity it was that I had to say goodbye to my favorite tree.
And what a shame I didn’t get to lie down to sleep on the moss.
Someday I’ll do that though.

I’ve never had a thing for metaphors as a poetic whipping boy.
But when I think of it my heart’s kinda like the ancient city of Troy.
And I’m winning at the lotto till it’s just another knockoff seller.
Every guy I genuinely liked but they ain’t **** in hindsight whatsoever.
And every friend I would’ve taken a bullet for but would they have stood for me?
Every wrong decision I’ve made, if I managed to fix them then who would I be?
And I see animus when there is one, is it unanimous that everyone fells that?
Or maybe I’m overanalyzing every vowel, every aspect, every change in tone and dust speck.
I’m vengeful as **** and haven’t had a whole lotta luck finding love and **** like that.
Keeping friendships’ hard alike, dirt all over the welcome mat, I’m too proud to sweep it up.
Life’s one big stratagem, but I’ve made peace with that instead of battling it.
One brutal expedient, but I’m not sowing havoc in the name of embracing it.
And yes, I lie, yes, I add on stolen gems onto my crown.
But I’d never burn somebody’s whole world down.
Cause that’s what y’all were to me.
All you ******* that made Troy of me.
You’re my homie or a phony?
You won’t bother text or phone me.
I watch my homeboy **** it up, waving bye, his fault he missed the boat like that.
Glow up like a cityscape, forever à la mode, I’m on my Taylor Swift **** and your perception of me’s a folklore.
I shot my shot with a stiff, pretend I’m colorblind to red and green.
The dud must be eating ****, explains why he’s so ******* full of it.
I’m on my payback **** and if you double back for more that’s a no-no.
I’m on some hot guy **** and if you want a war this is a no-zone.
I’m on next level **** and if you wish to reach my level, get you a wishbone.
Outta my mind on all-night revels, all nighters getting me all disheveled.
Opening bounties from red devils, get you a reality check, I’m not ending up in flames.
In and out of heaven for forever, try and diminish the malevolent.
Never let a passerby bedevil me, you on some mythology ****, you ain’t gonna see me burn.

Can’t infiltrate my walls like Troy.
But he can infiltrate me though.
I’m on some daredevil **** and I’m it.
Doing kinds of **** I’d never thought I did.
Don’t stress yourself over a ploy.
Don’t bother fool me with decoys.
I’m on self-improvement and I’m the ****.
Bouta do everything I scrapped out of fear of doing it.

I’m no **** superhero, but I’m like the Iron Man.
Don’t stick my neck out for nobody but me and myself.
Got a heart of steel but I’m still a hopeless romantic.
Hard to keep your head above water when your nature’s aquatic.
I’d like to think I’m smart enough not to jump into conclusions and possible scenarios.
Don’t jump into fights I ain’t gotta be no part of or have me win for the satisfaction.
I really owe myself that after all the **** I let happen to me and I’m regretful.
It made my psyche empirical, built up by raw emotion and that journey was painful.
Anyway, I could’ve hit his DMs up or hers or theirs.
I could’ve ditched my persona and be a villain that I was cast to play by them.
I maybe should’ve made it seem like I didn’t back up all afraid.
Or maybe it’s a good thing that I let them triumph as I sailed away.
Because in the end I turned their ruse against them, cold blooded like a cryostat.
I played their pride as their cities went up in smoke, but I ain’t no copycat.
Guess now I’m back to nurturing self-love and ornamenting that iron door.
Get it on with Troy, get you a reality check, you on some lowlife lore.