Hum into my ear, love song, hip hop, anything.
Pull me closer, hold me, let go, catch again.
Make me feel like I’m tipsy, make me melt like caramel candy, slow.
Make it like eternity, if there’s no afterlife all we have is now.
Don’t forget how I made you feel.
I remember how you made me feel lovable.
I’d experience it all again before I catch up with Amy and start blowing bubbles, evermore.
Be a fan of anything I do.
Don’t refrain from making me mad.
Be your sweetheart and *****.
You’re so warm but so frozen, I must not let you go or I’ll die.
You’re too like me to let someone else make you happy, I’ll make you happier.

Silk.
Caress.
Bleed.
Conquer and withstand and win.
Brutal.
Ethereal.
Sweet.
Yearn and compete and win.

That rush that runs my veins uneasy feels like lemon in the wound.
Correspondingly it wears me out to an extent a bath can’t fix.
I just want a kiss that feels right, like an arm’s brush over dew.
But instead I’m forlorn in a labyrinth of stars hung from deciduous trees.

Metal.
Burn.
Blossom.
Cry and contemplate and adore.
Monumental.
Skyward.
Impossible.
Dream and capitulate and succeed.

I can’t love anyone or so I think cause I’ve never been happy.
*** isn’t sweet without strings of attachment tied around us.
All I ever attempted was to make myself feel worthy of loving.
And when I catch a ray of stardust I feel out of time to follow it up.

It ain’t perfect, love is so hard but soft and so am I.
It ain’t a walk in the park or a summer beach day but a fall down the well of my heart.
It ain’t easy, love is so ugly and pretty and so am I.
It ain’t anime, I’m not a protagonist of any kind, I don’t get happy endings.

But I tried.

I missed the rain if one did come.
I deleted my ex’s number and hundreds of pictures from my telephone.
It hurt to let them go, but it also felt easy, you know, you know.
Out of all the boys I loved I thought we’d never ever get separated.
But with Juan I feel unsure.
I love him but love’s overrated.

I lasted months dry like the desert.
I said yes just to keep my mind off things.
I opened up hoping it’d get better.
And it did.

I love you like a beginner would but do I need you now like I needed you then?
It’s harder now and I could use a friend.
I don’t have a clue if you’re gonna stay forever by my side.
But the urge to give up already keeps me thinking at night.
Do I want you for now?
Do I wanna take hundreds of pictures of you asleep by me only to delete them later?
Or am I ready to memorize and take them to my grave in the heights of what I call the “Grant Mountains”.
Only time will tell.

I’ve chosen wrong so many times.
Makes me wanna already give up and go back to singing other people’s songs.
Can’t write my own without muses, it’s only love that turns the ink in my pen endless.

I love him, but love’s overrated.
I need him like a bath after a shower.
I want him, but what if we get separated.
It feels good.
But it used to feel better.

All his nonsense spitting got me tanning by the motel pool.
I left the trailer park.
I had to kool off soon.
Jack is always listening to me spitting nonsense about injustices and things you can’t change or rekindle.
He knows my songs by heart.
It’s him I kiss when I get drunk.

I wanna find it.
The right amount of nectar that deities get drunk on.
I wanna smoke a cigarette and blow the smoke into everyone’s face.
I wanna be okay.

All my friends are outta town and I’m on my gas station night shift.
Call my babe, he picks me up.
Fills up my entire will to live.
Jack puts me in the glass room of his mansion and stirs the thoughts that cause rot inside my head.
I shoot up his lies and they sound amazing.
They’re music to my tears, sand to my hourglass.
My veins get hot like lava, but I like seeing the world from his perspective.
I wanna get drunk of him.
But I’m really ******* sick of him.

I wanna find it.
I want calamities to perish and I wanna imagine a vision so good.
I wanna stay there.
But I know I can’t.

I want him to slap me across the face and take the pain away from my heart.
I’m really sick of him but I want him in every cell of my body.
Without his squeeze the world is gray and I’m tired of writing about hard feelings.
I wanna overdose on him.
But I know I’ll die.
Sometimes I think I already have so I get drunk and I’m back to life.

Go.

He and Malik aren’t friends.
But he’s famous for something.
He wears heavy metal on him.
Like he’s wanted for something.
Black leather tight and I can’t breathe.
But I’m fine with dying in Cali.
Mula-la is flying in the wind.
Jack, you’re as ****** up as me.
Oooh, black leather, *****.
Leather on my skin, mula-la is in the wind.
Ooh, blood-stopping grip.
Pouring his dark soul into my pre-opened wrists.
I wanna find it.
I wanna find it.
Someone like him but quite the opposite.
I hate to love him.
I’m so sick of him.
But I so love him.
He’s always got me.

I’ll write a song with you.
I’ll go to bed with you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll rob a bank with you.
Jack, don’t wake me the **** up, I said so many times I despise this world, I wanna be with you in ******* Pasadena or in a few mile radius.
I’m losing my sanity tryna convince you to drop everything.
Living’s real tough when I can’t have you.
Jack wake me up when you’re sober.
Jack fix me a kilo when the high is over.
Jack I just wanna go back to LA so badly.
I don’t know what I’m doing but I’ll write a song for you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll go dark for you.
I’ll lap dance for you.
I’ll wait years for you.

Take me to
to New York.
Forget me
when we’re through.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I could live for all eternity but never forget the only one who was caring to me.
Drop me off
of Rodeo Drive.
Kiss my lips
for the last time.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I’ll forget you only when I find someone who shows me a semblance of compassion.

I couldn’t go a day without missing my ex boyfriend.
But only when I’m drunk cause I get real nostalgic.
Every one of them I loved but they hurt me real badly.
I would lust over them like hell, but then I get sober.

I love this place.
It’s just like I dreamed it, honey.
Lemme fix you a drink and then you can tell me about that ******* boss of yours.
I ain’t done nothing today but miss ya.
I wrote a poem though, wanna see it?
How ‘bout we go to Rodeo Drive?
Yes, a date.
No occasion.
And just so you know, I ain’t drinking today.
Why?
I don’t know.

I don’t really need to.

At this point I’m sure I’ll forever be on the mend.
Waiting for the best thing that happened to end.

A billion years from now,
I’ll still be yours.
Just like it is right now,
I belong where you.
I’ll continue to ******* lowlifes in the comment section.
I’ll glorify your harshness long as I got a heart that beats.
All this love I’ve to give.
Swear it came out of the blue.
Whatever comes, I’ll be here.
Dreaming of having you.

At this point I’m sure I’ll never find happiness elsewhere.
All I’ve ever wanted was to live in the embrace of your haven.

Venice, scoop me up and lift me up before the waves pull me under.
Cover me in sunburns and wash me ashore to the beach birds’ flutter.
I swear it all came outta the Pacific’s blue.
Long as I have a mouth to speak, I’ll continue to babble about you.
I swear it all comes down to becoming one with you.
Long as I have a heart to love, I’ll continue to adore you too.

A billion years from now, I’ll have sunk in the waters by the continental shelf.
But in my lifetime I’ll carve swans in hedges with metal shears, sunglasses I picked up at 7/11 in South San Gabriel.
I really wanna talk **** ‘bout coworkers marriage problems over coffee, getting fired cause I’m hot, red hot in trouble for blowing bubbles at work.
Doing wheelies on shopping carts but during the day since none of the witnesses knows my actual name.

They say write and write till you write your future into existence.
LA, **** me into your frontier and hold me within your dominion.
I want something lasting, not everlasting.
Something I can have without having to cherish.
I had a good thing, but it ended.
And my heart, it’s since been mended.

Just why?
Tell us why did you do what you did?
Are you on the run or losing it?
Why did you ruin everything we’ve worked to keep?
You always ruin everything!

Alright, here it is.

Just why, why’d you cut us off after everything that we’ve been to?
Just think, if I made the decision to cut y’all off I had reasons to.
And what was that you posted when you have all that anxiety?
Well, to update y’all, it was just me tryna please everybody.
I ain’t got beef with anybody and I ain’t a vegetarian.
I don’t spill blood battling with my haters, instead I bury ‘em.
I don’t let intrusive thoughts affect my decision making.
I do turn on a whim, but I ain’t lost, I got priorities.
I could’ve been a savior, hell, I could’ve been a hero.
I could’ve been a full-time villain but got better ideas.
At first I gave y’all complications only so I could spite ya.
Now they’re making compilations that I ain’t even a part of.
Never skype ya.
Never talk to ya.
I ain’t buying what you selling.
Before y’all criticize that too, listen to what y’all  been saying.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Why that name?
What you on?
I thought
it could be
a fresh start.
So I won.
Yeah I won.
Uh-huh.

I changed my name, like I reinvent myself yearly.
I check marked LA, shut your mouth, it is way too early.
To complain like that, wish I ain’t made it work, really?
I got my haters’ backs so I could stab them hoes there, easy.
What you talkin’ ‘bout? What the ******* mean by hoax?
Darkness in your basement, catch a light no wonder it looks sus.
I am on a level you ain’t dreamed of seeing, let alone reaching.
Your brains’ ain’t been lucid thinking, shoulda stuck to preaching.
Suits you.
Suits you, make you look more silly than you are.
If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em, but I think I’d rather die.
I didn’t pave this road for ‘em to muddy it back up.
I’m a blueprint to myself, hate I take as a compliment.
Fruity and rocking Gucci, I’m an edible arrangement.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Where the hell
‘d you get it from?
We thought
you were running
but you aren’t.
Yeah I won.
The marathon.
But I ain’t running.

I used to fear dentists, planes and social interactions.
Now I floss, I’m sky high and receive standing ovations.
These hoes oily, extra ******, when I eat I do it raw, stare.
These walking failures getting oral checked but at a dentist chair.
I sleep under palm trees *******, summer body done.
I can see y’all hoes are *******, acting downside up.
Before I let y’all disappear, you’ll see what you passed up on.
Give me a heads up, cover my ears before y’all wax on.
Wax on.
Wax on but as in y’all ******* babbling.
Still like bayou water but my jacuzzi bubbling.
I’ll send y’all postcards from vacays in countries round the equator.
Make y’all **** hurt, get y’all a good buttache alleviator.
If that doesn’t help, why don’t y’all get off my D?
If you so against me, why you fools stay fooling with me?
I keep it straight with me and I didn’t always do.
If it benefits me then that’s what I’m gonna do.
I thought they would like me if I changed a thing or two.
But that wasn’t me and I ain’t liked who I turned into.
I would leave them hanging if I felt so inclined.
For when I wanted realness but y’all ******* declined.
I’mma release poems on all my exs’ birthdays too.
Give me a fortnight,
I’mma make it too.
Starting now I should know that red and green differ.
Be this hot and I never signed a deal with Lucifer.
And next time y’all wanna kiss my ***, just say you need a ride.
I’mma pass, here’s a disclaimer, it’s me now I prioritize.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Why that name?
What you on?
My prime ****
to be exact
and ain’t no act.
So I won.
So I won.
Wax on, wax on.

Get me on that walkie talkie and for ******* what?
Sick of your fucky wucky so shut the **** up.
On a brighter note, I’mma dearly thank all of my homies.
Twenty years you’ve given me support through all of my wilding.
I’ll make sure to leave y’all my address in Rosemead when I finally go.
I’mma wrap this up now, catch you on the flipside, this is Bella Goth.

There’s a guy, let’s call him Anton.
He fell in love with someone he’s never ever seen.
And that guy, he sought the reason.
A guy who won’t hurt you is one you’ll never ever meet.
The guy, he overstayed it at the château.
He’s afraid he’s someone that he will never ever be.
And what he did was find his reason.
Now he aviates asleep like they never ever dreamed.

I’m waking up from my dream.
And it took place in the clouds.
I’m getting nearer.
I got that feeling.
My ETA’s now, never ever been this near.
Bound to an airport, one I’ll never ever leave.

Do they hurt me or is it I that deals the damage?
Am I hurting them out of fear of being hurt first?
Now I’m contemplating over an ocean of clouds.
My eyes shut, letting the winds direct me to the end.

It went like that:

One night I was in a room
Lying on a bed and to myself and he entered like he knew
Reached his hand over to me
I was hellbent
On clamming up and being left be
He insisted I gave him a chance
And one he got
I think I fell in love
But I don’t mind as he won’t break my heart
Cause now he’s gone.
Another night I fell asleep
There was a guy right next to me
Handing me paper scraps, watching me
I said “Speak it aloud, set it free”
He confided in me
Gravitated real close to me
Our souls collided in a kiss
And some white lies to solidify it, the once upon a dream connection
It reappeared, the sound of a lock dropping, it was real, it was heartstopping.
Later came the disconnection.
It felt like waking up from a dream, one I wished I’ll never ever see end.
I’d let him fix my heart but it’s already on the mend.
Question is, what will it give me, knowing when to say when.
This taking off, it’s all I have until I wake up before the flight ends.
The third, he was familiar in a room of familiarity and family function ****
No thought to be over-processed, he was touching me, real tangibly
Laying over me
Gifted me a word of kindness but missed the point entirely
A shot in the dark, a spark in the heart.
I didn’t inspect nearby looks, I just listened on.
And so I hope I see him again in a couple years
I don’t know if I will
What I know is that it ends before it begins.
Like backstage romances and post-show kisses or Singapore hotel love affairs, I dreamed that too.
Patrick’s came too soon into my life to make the fourth switch.
A Judas french kiss, I’ve been over that too.
I don’t dance to his own music, I just like him cause he’s cute.
Another night of many I was over it
Already picturing gas price meters and 7/11s, cigarette smoke and rubbing fingertips
Steady with a baby but as in romance
Pending if I must admit, but tangible in a sense
When he was just in my head and not in my bed
Cause I had it all on lockdown
But I was still at passport control, anticipation had me losing control
I keep waking up before I land
To see the hills again I’d do god knows what
But I got some other plans
Got a boyfriend in Mexico, would die if he let me go
Got my daughter figure at home
I can’t exactly make amends
Or demands, each’s a far cry though
I’m bound for an airport and I’m Anton now
I don’t worry about anything at my best
I’m running to get the bag
Money to fly me west
Not to outrun the wolves with hearts laced onto their spiked black collars
racing to bite me in the *** for having the fruit I’ve sown rot
I never wanted to be vindictive, for what’s it really worth.
But somebody’s gotta be the bad guy.
Aim to escape this trance, it ends
It’s gotta have a horizon
New York, September 24th, 2024?
I’ve waited so long, think I’m going for numero dos
I broke up with my boyfriend for someone just as bad
But it lead me to my next, I need to give him more attention
I listen to him talk in Spanish, pretend he’s not so far away
4 months elapsed like steam
I’d do it all again
I wanna make it up to him for loving him as a replacement for Jack ******* Daniels
But what is distance gonna do?
What’s the ocean’s threat to drown?
I don’t fear thunderclouds as I cross them.
I don’t care, cause really I’m not there.
It’s just a dream, one I’m in, but I’m waking up.
Don’t matter if I like it or not.
One isn’t enough, I need more.
Remember, September 24th.
Hope my problems vanish by the third quarter of 2024.
That’s when the flight ends.
That’s when I’m all yours.