Everything feels murky and confusing
for so long the feelings about my jewishness
about my longing for this land
and for jewish traditons
holidays and shabbat
has always been lurking in the back of my soul
reminding me
every week
It hurts me I miss it so much
even though there is lots of trauma  involved
in many ways
these were the things that made my childhood
a little bit better
singing  together
all the jewish melodies
eating yummy food
feeling united
having peace in my soul and my heart
lighting Shabbat candles
it was the highlight of my week
hanging with friends
having real conversations
without being with my phone
without feeling distracted and connected all the time
I met you and you have triggered these deep feelings within me
the reminders
of the things I miss so so deeply
for you are traditional
and believe in love
and wow is that different
than how I was raised
maybe the world
and my self isn't black or white
I am tried of supressing myself
even during my kambo ceremony
this came up
and all I could do was sit there and cry my eyes out
about how much I miss shabbat and my jewishness
I hid it all behind my hate
maybe our hate teaches us
what we truly love
but are afraid to admit
to our deepest selves.

Today
and the last few
i chose forgiveness
I chose to forgive all the people
who have abused me hurt me and bullied m e
I don't want to carry it with me anymore
the anger built so much pain within me for so long
I couldn't let go of the past
and it just pained me beyond words.
So much staying in the past
So i forgive
I still am healing
and everything feels a little lighter and brighter now
with room to expand
a little brighter
A willigness to let go
To not drag my feet in the sand as much anymore
So I forgive myself and others
and I let go .

I remember
how it felt
to be beaten
how it felt to be broken
how it felt to be dark
how it felt
to be so helpless
how the men tried to ******* me
how I even in my place of terror
refused
how I always chose life
even when all the parts in me
begged for death
I remember how it felt
to run for my life
each time the missile alarms sounded
how I felt
knowing I might die at any moment
I remember how it felt
to be so poor
to feel so starving
I remember how it felt
to look my pain in my eyes
and wish it away
I remember how it felt
to feel the pain in my body
of where they all hurt me
of where my brokeness lied
I remember how it felt to be used
abused
beaten
kicked out
abandoned
disrespected
I remember
so I vow to love myself
to hug myself in my darkness in my pain
I remember
I am not shocked by pain
its something i understand deeply
for death is like pain
and pain is like death
one can die while they are alive
I have had so many times in my life
where I don't know how I survived
now I am choosing life
in a place reeked with death
I am choosing more presence
I am choosing to follow my goals
to live my life
the way I want to
I am working on choosing my bravery.

You messege me
after almost a year of not speaking
telling me
how what you did to me
how you hurt me
haunts you
you are showing to me
that maybe you are human
maybe you can change
I want to believe
you
but you my brother
have hurt me in ways
that maybe I can forgive them
but forget them I never will
maybe we will be able to speak again
but I don't know if it can go back to the way it was
when we were young
when I trusted you
before you abandoned me
in all of the darkest hours of my life
when i had noone besides you
when I was homeless
beaten and broken.
I will give you another chance
but I don't know if I will ever let you in
closely
the way we were in the past
the wounds
the marks you said to me
about all of who I was
have hurt me so much
although
these things have helped me heal many
very deep things
I don't how what to say
other than
I will have my boundaries
and tread very carefully
and wait to see if your actions
prove your words right or wrong
other than that
not even sure what I have to speak to you
about anymore
I am a very different person now
in a good way
but also in a way of brokeness
in a way of wearing my edginess
as a pride
as a badge on my sides.
For I do not need to feel ashamed of who I am
anymore
for you did that for me.
I feel sorry sad and angry for you
I hope you have changed
the way you say you did.
I hope.
I hope I am not hoping falsely.

I walked on the streets of jerusalem
looking at all the rainbow flags
it was as if
it was calling me
calling me for my freedom
sitting in the room
alone
alone for the first time in my life
wow what a gift that is
how challenging it felt
all alone
in a foreign country
no support at all
for it was the start of the covidjourney
of my personal awakening
back to myself
I than started to allow all the questions
i had kept inside of my soul
for so long
all about religion
my self worth
who i was
how much I was worth
what did I want to do with my life
who am I
I remember
the first shabbat(sabbath)
I broke it
I threw my skirt away
and wore pants for the first time
I thought
wow I feel naked
and free
And since than the journey
has began
3.5 years have past
and still am discovering myself
who I truly am
rediscovering so many things
in another city
all alone
listening to israeli music
crying sitting alone
as the skies grow darker
I wander
who am I
Am I a Jew
Am I just merely a person
maybe all the labels
don't matter
maybe all that I was taught my whole life
was all lies
maybe there is so much more to life
than what I have ever imagined
or concieved of
from my place of limited perception
maybe
I can dream bigger
Maybe
Just Maybe?

I don't feel safe again
in my own bed
a sea of naseu
forms my lips
here I was drugged
touched
hurt
here I told him no
last night ,
here he touched me again again
I said no
again the kiss
forbidden
he says sorry
and thinks he's okay
I wish one day
someone could see my pain
and tell me that this is not okay
but no one really cares so much
because I am alone.
so alone...
when I went to the police
beaten and raw
they tell me
I'm a mess that its my fault
you get away with it
with your lies and narcissim
but inside me
all I feel is screams
raging
arms
people tryin to shut me out
tryin to ****** my soul
my spirit
but here I am still fighting
to thrive,
from when
I was always silent
SILENT
when my DAD
***** me
when my Brothers touched me
no one cared
no one cared
my mom hurt me
threw me away,
when I came to the police
with so much proof
no one cared
When I told others
and told my boundaries
no one cared
she asked for it
shes fat
shes a loser
does anyone understand
how much abuse shatters inside
it makes me feel
like no matter how much progress I make
like I'm just pulled back to another cycle
of it
of abuse of pain
of wanting to die all over again
of seeing my abusers
still livin'
still alive
still laughing
someone make it
JUST STOP!
Make all of them hurt
because the pain is just
unbearable inside
so I cry to my dieties
in my room
and sing on top of my lungs
out of my pain
;
You will still never break me
I will still  publish my poetry
so I have a place for my words
for my voice
because I never did .
I will publish my songs about my abuse
I will publish my voice
so everyone will know
about my stories of how I saved myself
from my darkness!
These men think
that I am weak
but I see right through you
and you are horrid
just evil inside
and I hope one day your  karma
will come and  take care of you
within your right time.

I should've seen it
maybe I did
but I didn't listen
came in dressed to the party
as a NEO ****
making **** jokes
NEVER MIND
YOU KNEW
my family was murdered by them
by people
LIKE YOU !!!
I scrame
FAKER
ABUSER
ASSAULTER
I AM NOW
SHREIKING
INSIDE
AGAINNNN
It HAPPENED AGAIN
Now all I can do is play music in my house,
do you understand
every holiday and sabbath of my life
was ruined by a
MAN"S TOUCH!!!!!
FIRST
MY DAD '
than
ALL THE OTHERS !
WHY CAN"T ALL OF YOU
HORRIBLE MEN
JUST DIE
leave us in
PEACEEE
only the
GOOD MEN '
GOOD PEOPLE REMAIN
HERE
KARMA is done.
justice is paid .
THINGS ARE DUE
DON"T BELIEVE
THAT I AM WEAK!
I am the keeper of  the shadows,
I AM learning to be the master of my shadows
everyone says to be scared of the darkness.
BUT I just learned  to embrace
see there is nothing wrong with darkness
it is where we are all from
the womb
MY LILITH is with me
AND if you dare mess with me
I see it
they don't talk about deep healing ,
people think it comes from flowers and angels
but NO
It COMES
from HEARTWRENCHING SCREAMS
CRIES
FEELING TRAPPED
beneath your bed
in the bathroom
cutting out your arms
watching the blood bleed
bleed down your arms
thinking about death all the time
since I WAS FIVE
wanting to grow up
SO FAST,
SO FAST!
SO I COULD ESCAPE
watching shows and books
JUST TO GET OUT!!!!

When you have been in your darkness for so long
you don't understand joy for a while,
but than you learn that if you can feel the pain
the abyss of pain
than you can feel joy too
BUT FOR NOW
KNOW
I have been
BEATEN every part of me
DESTROYED
BUT NOW I'M RISING
AND NO ONE CAN EVER STOP
ME AGAIN
SO I press
BLOCK
on my phone
to all of you
and I wish you to hell!

What does it mean to be here now
maybe its to come into the body
breathe in
breathe deep
to love life deeper
to love the little moments
to ground into the nature
to appreciate the sunshine
on the face
the feet in the earth
to change the vibration inside of you
to change the places that you congregate in

to think deeper about what you truly want,
to listen to different music
to have things aligned more
into a deeper reality
because conciousness
and all of us that live within it are so real

Crystals rocks plants
ants
are all my friends
ladybugs
cats and my colors
are my friends
kind people with good reliable souls
are my friends
my partner of my dreams
breathed into reality
living in sunshine in nature
in peace
in my purpose
creating music and healing
and helping to guide others back to their true self!
This is all that i crave and wish and call into my current loving reality.

Life doesn't need to be so hard
it can be loving  and so easy
its all a choice
and the choice is yours and ours to make !

I see my old self puking
the bad energy and air out of me
letting go of demonic energy
cleansing myself centering myself
for all we have ever wanted
is right here now
ready to be claimed
in the present moment.
When we truly let go
we can give in
and truly make way
for our new life to take place .

Grew up most of my life so dissacioated
as If I was almost  already dead in real life.

I just blocked out  my heart
my mind out of everything,
because the pain of all that was done to me
was  so harsh the body and mind just couldn't  process it:

Now for 3 years all I can do is remember,
and what can I say,
I see why I hid it from myself
for 23 years.

Hell on earth
to be tortured by humans so much
Its like I wonder
DO GOOD KIND HUMANS
exist ?!

Who will treat me with kindness
who won't judge me
or try to use me for their own selfish gains?

So far I have only met very few people like this
and I  just really try to be this way too.
I just don't understand how the pain
hurts so much
its like the more healing I do
the more I see.

The way things truly are,
not how I want them to be
and how ****** cruel
life has been to me.

Yet I know I am here for a greater purpose
and that is why I am still alive,
after wanting to die for such a long time,
I feel that I understand heaven and angels more than
I understand the cruelty and pain of humans
and this 3d reality.

That's why I sit with art and nature
and cats and animals
it feels like they don't judge me
or laugh at me
or expect me to look a certein way
or sound a certin way
or the way my voice quivers when I am feeling anxious
trying to speak hebrew
but feeling so ashamed inside
I just feel like a stranger
everywhere.
I just feel so done inside
for so long
I have tried so hard
if I looked a certein way
had certein  intrests
than I would make friends
but I didn't
they never cared.

So now I am really trying to just be me
fully love myself,
and trust that the right people
will come when they are meant to.

I saw his face
As I encountered  one of my enemies,
and I told  him with pride and with so much anger inside me
"I know what you did to me
last night on the porch
and I will tell everyone ,
until you get punished.
You will know how to properly treat a woman."

As the boss of the hostel
spat words in my face,
as he blamed it on me.
I knew again
what it was,
my body,mind and soul remembered
that it was just like
when I went to the police stations
for the other men who had hurt me and violated me
and how noone cared , how they told me
that I was messed up, how they treated me like I was
a ***** little ****.  
How I was blamed for it again and again and again
how the inner child ,the inner girl inside me
was drowning in so much pain ,
bleeding from the pain and humuliation
that burned so much,
when the abuse burned me so much ,
that I had no where to stay and no one to talk to about it,
and I thought I would die  inside and outside.
All I wanted  my whole life was to be safe.
So again I ran...
I ran away from,
the toxic  religion that I had left 3 years ago ,
that politely taught me
and not so politely lied to me
that if you were modest you were safe,
or that the way you were treated was based entirely on you .
Than I ran away from my country ,
ran away to a new country
ran to different people
who pertended to be my friends
while really they were just lighting me more on fire
with their pain and mistreatment.
I ran all the time from myself
because it was something,that I was good at,
cause I didn't want to face
the little baby inside,
who had been betrayed
by her own tribe.

:

I would love to dream of a world
where my daughter never knows what
****** assault harrassment or **** is
where she has loving parents
where she is loved and celebrated for the light that she is
where she is allowed to eat as much as she wants
where all of her quirks are seen as "normal"
this should be the basics
and this is what I wish I would've had.
Now I will give this to myself
and be my own mommy.
I will break my family's horrible patterns of abuse
and I will take my future back.