Father, I know you have seen my name on the news.
They’ll never catch me alive, I’d rather die than lose.
Mother, please, don’t cry. To find who I am and not lose my mind;
I had to start over and leave all of y’all behind.
Brother, you’re smart and talented, you’re stubborn too.
That’s what I adored the most about you
Middle sister, I know you’re worried about me but I am fine.
Give my niece a hug from me, I’ll come to visit sometime
Big sister, I know this is what you warned me about, but please try to see
He’s not the bad guy here, he pulled the trigger but the plans were on me.

I’m not sorry for what I’m gonna say, dad, but honestly, there’s no surprise to anyone that I turned out this way.
Sure, you were always there and gave me money when I needed it but you always tore me down with what you’d say.
I know you regret it but that won’t undo the years of pain and my new behavior.
You wanted a good successful daughter but, boom *****, the plan backfired, and you got a failure.
The games, the screams, the broken stuff,  whispering **** under our breath.
Never say sorry, you buy me new ****, I forgive but never forget.
What was the reason for you to make me upset?
You had already decided and you had your mind set.
Every time I ask for help, you always have to try.
You only wanna see if you can once again make me cry

Growing up, a “sorry” was the paper-thin line between “they didn’t scream too much today” or  “crying myself to sleep because it’s 3 am and we’ve been fighting for hours and I literally got nothing more to give”
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

Yelling triggers my anxiety so badly, it doesn’t matter if you yell at me saying you just won a million dollars, I’ll still cry. My parents screamed at me until I was scared they’d hurt me
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

I can’t stand people trying to touch my face, I flinch and try to get away. That’s what happens when someone’s touch once left marks
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

If I were to tell my parents about how ******* tired I was of living they’d just tell me to stop overreacting. That’s why I ignore my mental health until I’m literally dead inside
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

When someone asks me something it’s super hard for me to say “yes” or “no” because whatever I would answer I would either get called “spoiled” or “ungrateful”. And due to my parents forcing and shaming me to say “thank you” it’s now super hard for me to say it
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

My parents used to leave me on read because they got “tired of dealing with me and my overdramatized feelings”, that’s why I freak out when I’m left on read
I’m sorry, I’m trying to change that

But I’m still a work in progress
And I might never be ready

I wish my father could’ve realized what a mess he’d began
Been running for some time to keep away from his demands
But all It takes is one caring male gaze and I relapse
They call it “daddy issues” or “father complex”
I’ve avoided forming yet another strong attachment
But breaking my own heart seems to be a strong attraction.
Will you be my safe haven and keep me safe?
Will you support me when I can’t be brave?
Only god knows how hard I’ve tried not to let it shine through
I have tried not to care and love as much as I do
But when I get attached it’s too late to divert
God, I know this will hurt

Dear dad, I love you but I have to say this.
I go to trauma therapy to deal with the damage you gave me.
I really try to be good so you’ll be proud of me.
But that’s still not enough.
You don’t understand that everything I do is to make you proud of me. You don’t see or want to see that the pressure you put on me to get further holds me back from being the person I wanna be. All the fights, all the yelling, and the fear. All I’ve ever done is cope and hide the wounds you keep on ripping open.
To protect my brother, to protect my mom. To protect me.
From you
Dear dad, I love you but I stopped being your baby girl years ago