Is this everything now, the quick delusions of flowers,
And the down colors of the bright summer meadow,
The soft blue spread of heaven, the bees' song,
Is this everything only a god's
Groaning dream,
The cry of unconscious powers for deliverance?
The distant line of the mountain,
That beautifully and courageously rests in the blue,
Is this too only a convulsion,
Only the wild strain of fermenting nature,
Only grief, only agony, only meaningless fumbling,
Never resting, never a blessed movement?
No! Leave me alone, you impure dream
Of the world in suffering!
The dance of tiny insects cradles you in an evening radiance,
The bird's cry cradles you,
A breath of wind cools my forehead
With consolation.
Leave me alone, you unendurably old human grief!
Let it all be pain.
Let it all be suffering, let it be wretched-
But not this one sweet hour in the summer,
And not the fragrance of the red clover,
And not the deep tender pleasure
In my soul.

You brothers, who are mine,
Poor people, near and far,
Longing for every star,
Dream of relief from pain,
You, stumbling dumb
At night, as pale stars break,
Lift your thin hands for some
Hope, and suffer, and wake,
Poor muddling commonplace,
You sailors who must live
Unstarred by hopelessness,
We share a single face.
Give me my welcome back.

At night, when the sea cradles me
And the pale star gleam
Lies down on its broad waves,
Then I free myself wholly
From all activity and all the love
And stand silent and breathe purely,
Alone, alone cradled by the sea
That lies there, cold and silent, with a thousand lights.
Then I have to think of my friends
And my gaze sinks into their gazes
And I ask each one, silent, alone:
"Are you still mine"
Is my sorrow a sorrow to you, my death a death?
Do you feel from my love, my grief,
Just a breath, just an echo?"
And the sea peacefully gazes back, silent,
And smiles: no.
And no greeting and now answer comes from anywhere.

It is an inconvenience
It is an added stress
It is one more thing I am forced to deal with
It is something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained
It is my deepest darkest secret

I can feel it deep, down inside of me
It burns and aches and forces me to notice it
It is hidden from everyone else
I am the only one who knows of its existence

Almost nineteen years old,
Finding myself forced to make certain lifestyle changes
Things most people don't consider until much older
Things some people won't ever consider
I am too young to be dealing with something of this nature,
Of this magnitude

But it does not define me
It is part of who I am
And ultimately, I accept it
That doesn't make dealing with it any less difficult, however
The anger and frustration still surface
Along with the despair and
The loneliness

It can seem unbearable at times
And there are times when I want for nothing more
Than to blurt it out
But I never do
Because it is mine,
And only mine

I try to love it,
Look at it as a gift
And when it comes down to it,
I wouldn't have it any other way
It is both a curse and a blessing,
Depending on how you look at it

For the most part,
Others see it as a curse
Which makes me want to prove to them
How much of a blessing it really is

My deepest darkest secret is a piece of me,
It lives inside of me
And that is what makes it so beautiful

Reflections of palm trees and ocean waves
In the luster of my spiraling brown green and gold irises

Walking along the shore line
I am one with the ocean,
One with the sand,
One with the waves,
One with the nature and beauty surrounding me

I am the ocean,
The sunshine,
The sand and the waves,
I am Sanibel

I am the beach,
A plethora of sand and shells
Reaching down for the ocean's soothing caress,
As waves rise up and
Kiss me in perfect intervals

The ocean inside of me,
Salty tears that reside in the
Secret canals of my eyelids

There are newborn freckles
On my young cheeks and poking nose
My face resembles the warm and soft sand
Quietly laying in the company of the
Friendly and inviting sea

My skin, sun kissed,
Radiates with warmth and love,
Possessing a beautiful golden flare
That emits all of the sun's most desired idiosyncrasies

The ocean is forever
But never the same as the day before
Forever changing, always moving
I am the ocean and the ocean is me

Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I asked the worker at the coffee shop what he thought I should get
I've been more indecisive than usual lately
He recommended a chai latte
So that's what I got
I do strange things to avoid certainty, to avoid stability
I keep thinking I don't really know myself but I'm really not sure
Who am I?
A phrase that is in continuous repeat, ringing in the veins of my introverted mind
Who am I?
I could probably tell you
If I really wanted to, if I really tried
He said to me, "Chai tastes like... Merry Christmas!"
It made me smile
Dreams and coffee drinks and pages of books and sweaters
Is that who I am?
It is surely what I am compiled of
I am a wanderer
The girl who constantly says goodbye but never really knows how to leave
I should have mastered leaving by now, you know

I'm staring at brick walls
And a painting of two sleeping cats
There's music playing in the background
I'm awkwardly sipping my chai latte
On the other hand, seemingly distant, I am completely aware of everyone and everything around me
Always observing
Always listening
I like it, by the way
The latte
He was right
It does taste like "Merry Christmas"

It's already 5 o'clock
It's already October
It's cold outside today
Extremely cold
Yet, I've been driving with my windows down all day
I don't feel cold
I don't feel warm either though
I feel numb
I feel like nothing

Every day I just kind of sit back and watch the world go by like none of it really happens
Like all of it is a dream
I'm out of touch with reality
I rather enjoy it that way
Rather prefer it that way, probably
I know what my name is
I know where I come from, who I come from
So why can I not tell you who I am?
Can anyone really, truly, put into words who they are?
If they can, I am in a lot of trouble
Especially if they can do it easily
But that would make a lot of sense because it all comes down to stability
Or so I think so anyways
I haven't had any form of stability in my life for a very long time
And let me tell you, that is what will **** someone up
Who AM I?

I'm ****** up, emotional, and slightly neurotic
I'm only 18 years old but I feel at least 50 years more.
I grew tired too fast
Life is tiring for me
It's not supposed to be like that
Not yet anyway
I've been so sad my entire life
And my sadness acts as the very core of my being
I'm a strangely tangled up pile of thoughts and feelings
Past experiences and people
And this searing sense of nostalgia for what once was
And maybe even for what is to be

What do you call it when you're constantly thinking of the past and wishing it was still here?
When you're constantly longing for the future and wishing it would come sooner?
When you're constantly dissatisfied with the present and wishing it would disappear or change or something?
What is that?
Am I delirious?
Am I going crazy?
I almost hope so
I need some answers
The world is either in fast forward or paused
Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I am nothing
I am nothing
Goodbye

Yeah there's an undertow, but it ain't got me



It's kinda like
When you get really, really mad
I mean you're mad
And then something happens
Like a song or a certain cast of light
And you realize the reason you were mad is nothing like the reason red blood cells carry oxygen to your brain
Or the reason you love pineapple
It's nothing like the roots of the tree outside your window
And you feel pretty stupid
You scold yourself
"Stupid, silly human being"
Then you forget what you had just learned when you looked at that tree or took a deep breath
You're thinking about other things
You're thinking about what you're going to do with the time you've got before bed
Or what that rude girl at school said to you

And then it's kinda like
When you get really, really sad
I mean you're sad
And then you receive a much needed compliment from someone
And you think about how **** well you've actually got it
It's so unlike that sadness
It's just like those red blood cells and that tree outside your window
And here you are feeling silly and ignorant once more
You're thinking about all that time you wasted
But there are loved ones in your living room and a blanket on your bed
It's okay, right?



And then
Then it's kinda like blasting music in the car
It's kinda like being made to laugh during a miserable school day
It's like your favorite road to drive
Or your favorite pen to write with
It's like the rattling in your speakers
Or your brown eyes
It's like opening bottles with your teeth
Having plans for the night
Getting away with things you shouldn't have done in the first place
It's kinda like listening to your music too loud
Or brushing your teeth
It's like accidentally falling asleep
I don't know
It's kinda like that
I think
Yeah