Sometimes, the storm inside your head
Is so loud
That you can’t hear yourself think

It amplifies the noises around you
The world seems to scream
The whisper of your thoughts
Could never overpower the world’s chaos

I may find closer friends
But they will never match your wit
They will never have your laugh

I may find someone else to love
But they will never make me feel the way you made me feel
The butterflies would not be as colorful

I may choose another sibling
But they will never be as good of a compass that you were

The world may move on, I may walk forward
Time marches on, the earth still spins
But there will always be an empty space in my heart
Where you once dwelt

The smell of Christmas
The smell of fall
The spicy sweet scent that causes you to remember it all
Her warm embrace her light touch
In the red leaves with giant sweaters
Flannels and the air getting colder
Fall...
Cinnamon, it warms you up
It brings you back to the greatest time of the year
It brings you back to your childhood as you celebrate Christmas cheer
It brings you back to the log cabins, the warmth of the fireplace, the hot beverages after a trek in the snow
Winter...

Cinnamon, cinnamon,
It is a timeless scent that is known anywhere
For when the air turns cold and red leaves and snowflakes fall
Cinnamon would be there for it all

I want to go out into the world
And see people walk along the streets
I want to go window shopping, or the bakery to get some bread

I want to laugh with my friends, but not through a screen
I want to hug them as we go through the hallways of school

But all I can do is stay in my neighborhood
Crossing the street each time a person comes
Endure my family’s endless critiques
And them loudly talking as I try to concentrate
On my online classes and quizzes that I failed

I can only live in this bubble right now
It seems like the world is ending
I cannot keep pretending
That my friends are here with me
I cannot keep making conversations in my head
I cannot stop myself from slipping into the abyss
Of darkness and depression and uncontrollable emotions

My body, is where my soul dwells
It feels pain, it feels joy, it feels excitement, It feels sorrow
My bones are my foundation, my flesh made from stardust
My body is the friend with undying loyalty that will be there till I die

My curves, my acnes, my chubby cheeks
These are my insecurities
These are the imperfections of my friend, my home
The mirror, the camera, the eyes of others turn my friend into a foe
I push my friend away, I hate it’s ugliness, I hate that it’s not perfect

No matter if my body is a friend or a foe, it is always with me
Until I fly to the stars

A cabin in the woods
With a fireplace, the smell of wood in the air
Fresh baked bread in the kitchen
And a cat purring on the windowsill
There is a bubbling river flowing in the back

This is my happy place in my imagination
Where I am surrounded by greenery and life
Where time seems to slow and sunlight seems to shine a bit brighter
A place of safety, a place of happiness, a place of rest

It’s time to take this broom
And sweep away the sorrows of winter
The heartbreak of last year
The betrayal of fall

Because...I am a flower ready to bloom
I need room to grow
I do not have space
For all these glass shards
But most of all…
I do not have space
To be a pawn in someone else’s game

Strangers
They see a quiet young teenager
Short black hair that the wind messes up
Brown, shy eyes that refused to make eye contact
A seemingly, insecure teen

Through the eyes of friends
They see a loud chaotic ball of energy
Filled with passion, but filled with pessimism
An emotional mess
But will always be there for you

Family
They see the worst side of me
They see my storms, my frustrations, my tears
They are so close but they could never be more far away
They will never know this maze

Being called “ladies” in the hallways
Getting that feeling of being misplaced
People seeing you not for who you really are,
But who they think you are

Why are those actions
Those clothes, shoes and colors
Put into a box that’s associated with gender?
Why am I put in a box because of my clothes, actions, and expression?

Cause dresses are just pieces of cloth
Makeup is just colored powder that you put on your face
And heels are just shoes that make you feel tall

Why does femininity have to be associated
With being a lady or a girl or females?
Can’t femininity just be available to all?

The color of passion
The color of the spark in each of our hearts
As we love, as we fight, as we live
It is the color of that drive in us
To persevere against all odds
The drive to make sure that
Our voices are heard
Red
The color of anger and pain
The color of the blood spilt after each fight
The hearts broken
The demons released
From the cages of our minds
Red, the emotion that we cannot control

Red
Is a double-edged sword
It is love
It is that drive that makes life worth living
It is the excitement, the spark
But it is also the color
That hurts us the most

This is a love poem
To a person who doesn’t know me
They could be a he or a she
or someone who’s non-binary

All I want to do is hold you in my arms
To be safe and sound on a stormy night
All I want is to laugh and talk with you
Or go on adventures then watch the sunset
Is this really too much to ask?

To whom will I give this poem to?
Who will love me and not hurt me
Will there be someone who will love me and not hurt me?

I want a love that’s like a rose without thorns
Rain without thunder and lightening
I want a love that will not hurt me
Is this really too much to ask?

The sun’s warm rays
Remind me of my days in the sun
The days of no responsibility
When innocence was still alive...
The snow white clouds remind me of the
Pure, innocent dreams of a kid…
The trees, remind me of those games of hide and seek
Those days where we could laugh and joke
Without a care in the world
The bird’s song reminds me of the times when
The only song I listened to, was the song of the present
The song was loud, clear, and uninterrupted
By the darkness inside my head

Sometimes, when I yearn for the past
I go back to nature because…
Unlike objects or people,
Nature never changes
The white clouds will always be in the sky
The sun will always shine during the day
The trees will always stand tall
And the birds will always sing…
Until the day I die

Anxiety….
You try and stop it, the voices in your head,
the impending feeling of dread...
the ticking of the clock, waiting for danger that will never come.
It is like one of those movie scenes,
where you are in a glass tank submerged in water.
The glass is cracked and there is water spilling in.

You try and stop it, you try not to drown, you try to do anything...to keep that water from flooding in... but you fail.
The dread comes rushing in, it takes over your body and you lose control.

You try not to drown, you try to calm down as the waves assail you. Your lungs feel as though they are about to combust,
your ribs feel as though there is a net made of fear tangled around them, strangling them.
Your heart sings the battle cry of a thousand drums as your body prepares to fight an enemy made up of twisted illusions.

Your eyes flood with uncontrollable, blinding tears….your breath quickens as you seemingly run out of air….You tell yourself, calm down….breathe….count your breaths, you're safe. Nothing stops that urge to panic though...it seems as though nothing can stop it.

Anxiety...

a seemingly infinite roller coaster that you can never get off of
and when you finally do, it has ****** every drop of energy from your body.

You don’t eat, because you will throw it all up….
you don’t sleep, because the voices in your head are deafening.
You wonder when you will feel safe.
For as long as these fears knock upon your door when you are alone or when you are with others, there is no way that you are safe...

Anxiety...
people say it is normal,
that it is necessary for survival.
But how am I supposed to trust those illogical fears that tear my relationships apart?
How am I supposed to trust the very thing that drowns me...
the thing that I battle with almost everyday?