This is what I get.

For holding onto an empty space, with my fingers outstretched to hold something I thought was there.

but it wasn't.


The hot asphalt searing, killing all of my nerves and screaming of how foolish I was.


Oh, that's what I get.


Loving so hard I forgot how it felt to hate myself.

Neurotic ******
Malevolent malice

Why it's come as a surprise?
To think that I was so naive,
Maybe it didn't mean that much,
But it meant everything to me.

The gnawing hunger. I understand it now.

I was stagnant, living with you.
Waiting for you to fill a void, imagined you would fill it.


Why was I addicted to it in the first place?

I need a cure for wellness.
A cure for the human condition.


We all desire something, someone we can never have.


**** fragmentation, **** frolicking in joy.
I'm better off this way.
Palinode. Tear. Shatter. Destroy.



You can stay in the light.
I'll stay away from you.
You can find someone better.
I'll go away for good.
Lest you put out my fires again.


I rip out the tubes that kept me with you.
This dead heart should have never beat for you.

Let me be selfish.

I will not allow the mistakes of old to make rumination into devastation.


Let me break my own soul, my own heart.

Allow me to tear myself apart so that I can never make this mistake.

Let me be poetic this once.

Before prose breaks down and I find myself with nowhere to hide.


Let me go.

Tell me again how your lips passed down holy writs into my spine.

i dare you to

Instruct me on how I'm supposed to dress, looking into the mirror cracked up like an old tired clown.

feed me spoil me

Undo the ropes that fester into my skin, tell me about the colours that emerge.

that same old fragrant mouth

Make me a cure for wellness, tell me how I'm wrong again, how the words don't rhyme anymore with your chains tearing into my flesh again

the same stench of rotting meat

Full of crystals from the salt of sweat


Subsumed in pain
I leave these words to you
Never will I go back again.

I do not follow by example.
I make my own path.
With bloodied palms and weeping tears.

With dreams buried and feelings hidden.
I am your blade.


And the clock chimes, turns, burns our time away.
Needing satisfaction, doing all you can to breathe her in.


Three times the tears blare with siren calls for home
You should have seen this, you should have held me tighter.


Onomatopoeia, hear my name and tremble.
Unfavorable, unfortunate, and unfair this is.

There's a certain youth that he missed the first time around.

A spring in step, a key gear unwound.


(The writer's eye is unbiased.

He clearly saw something that took a while to cultivate.)

In the same time-space that it took for her, something magical happened.

Colours exploded on the dance floor, unspoken desires (perhaps a few wet *******) sweat and passion all in simultaneous eruption.

Perhaps he'll give this a spin.
Dropping and closing his eyes, blissfully unaware whether there is trust or not.

They all feel the same.


The soft, thin lips

The thick, creamy feel.


The hunger doesn't arise.

You go on, and you realise one thing about yourself.


The pattern repeated itself, you just delayed the inevitable.

But now the pattern has settled on a design you didn't even know existed.


And you're better off for it, and heart at peace.

Your mind, at rest.

Your soul, satisfied.

My actual question to myself is this then.

Shall I destroy everything I have built for the sake of starting over, and feeding off the fresh new scars & pain so I can write again?

Will it be worth it?
(Maybe, of course, perhaps)

It doesn't diminish the fact I love her, does it?

Mistakes done twice are a decision.

I'm her filthy little engine of self destruction and hate. Point me in the direction you want me to go, hold me close and steer me well.

It's a forked path.
Maybe even if I do this, I'll end up on the same road I've always been on.

A vicious pronged indecisiveness.

Maybe that's why my heart is no longer with its cruel mistress.
She doesn't satisfy me anymore.
It was never about the ***, it was always the challenge. The subtle nuances she bought out.

And now.
Complacency leads to straying.

Her records stopped scratching.
How long ago, I don't know.

Rhythms crawl on my skin
Feelings unabashedly kiss my forehead
Sweat pours down the spine
Ah. Unrequited and flawed, a secret I'll take to church and leave there.
Getting closer yet so much more farther.
I'll never cash out on this.
Curvature of her spine calls to me, the
fingers clasping where she stood.
Never will I go through with how I feel.
She's no good for me.
And perhaps, she knows that.
Her tune starts up.
And for a moment, I only know her smile.
Unwritten and unspoken, the way I like it.
Breathe her in, and exhale.

When she told me, that I was more than this.
I fell again, and again.
I felt like I existed again.
A year shed off the veil, a dear shied off the vial.
And I heard the fire spring loose from within, a subtle grinding of gears I stopped, for fear of straying. For fear, of the pangs coming back.
I've never been kissed in that way.
The split second I felt the world sway, I just had to get more of it.
But it wasn't a real kiss.
Not one I'd dare to take anyway.
It was like Morton's Fork.
I still know, even if I run from this, one day it'll be found out anyway.
A hunger pang for the prong she bought into my life.

the hunger we all know, the hunger we supress without much success.

the moment I knew I had to stay away.
But I couldn't.

Love after all
Is the spark that falls
And ignites
Ashes long dead

It was always about the next woman.
The next thrill, chase, fire.
No excuses no repentance
Like a wide mouth open devouring everything in the path

The hunger was different, difficult and demeaning.

I'm just a boy playing at being a man
For all the **** it did me.

What I mean what I want what I've been searching for
I found it, or rather it found me.
No one can run from it forever.
Nobody can.

My heart beats for the thrill of the hunt
The adrenaline rush
Palpitations of the skin sliding into the next one's collarbones.

Play with fire and you get burnt.
Become fire itself and watch yourself become an eternal witness to the world burning down around you.

I don't breathe the same anymore.

In peace, feel the rhythms cascade.
In war, fan the flames of passion.


We're not the same anymore
We're not young
We're sinners through and through
Why parley with the Line when you could **** up the Borders?

atrast nal tunsha
i will never find my way in the dark

I am convinced beyond a doubt that I cannot sustain this.. normal life.

Settling for this domain has always been strange.

Cassette tapes on loop on my natural state of being : Chaos.

Fight this when every inch of my being wants to go where I wanna be?
Oh Lord. I cannot.

kisses down spine
cheeks cupped
lips trailing down


Her book still isn't stained with bile.
Her youth isn't tarnished.


hands snaking to the front
back to forward
his growling
my grunting
her moaning


I am convinced beyond a doubt that I cannot sustain this.. normal life.


I crave the midnight snack
Arms wrapping around her for warmth and sweet scent of sweat
Chewy gum tree taste on my serpent tongue


Music feeding the mood

From desire there is surrender
From surrender, power

Flesh submitting to carnal stimulation
Body realigning to devour the sin
Mandibular advancement on her sweet meat

I crave you.
Memento excoquere et ego vobis.