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 Mar 27
Arlo Disarray
i dream of you
even when i’m awake
fading in
and out
of each day
as they all blend
and blur into one

nothing has been the same
since i first learned your name
and my heart hurts all the time
because i want you so badly
and you’ll never be mine

time stops for me
every now and then
when you pop up
into my life
and give me a reason
to smile again

i don’t want it to end

but it’s not for me
i’m not for it
no, i’m just a pile of ****
and the smiles i wear
always fade away
so quickly
 Mar 23
Arlo Disarray
maybe
my wings
are a bit
too long
and i’ve
flown
too close
to the sun

perhaps
it is i
who is
lost
in
the sky
getting
carried away
having fun

my smile
has shown
more
than it has
in a while
and i’m
looking forward
to future
grins
too

my head’s
in a spin
as
my heart’s
caving in
and i’m
just not
quite sure
what to do

i know
what
i want
and i
i know
what
i don’t
but i’m
not sure
how to
navigate
between

i’ve been lost
for so long
that i
don’t know
what’s wrong
and i’m
stuck
feeling
like
the
grass
is
never green

the moon
hangs
on
a
wire
as
it
dangles
to
inspire
and i’m
caught
beneath
recycled rays
of sun

the lights
will guide
the way
the
stars
will
find a day
for us to
be
everything
we’d
hoped
we
could
become
 Mar 23
Arlo Disarray
i’ve been
slowly
and oh so
carefully
peeling away
layers of myself
like a lizard
shedding its skin
whenever it grows
a little bit

i keep
removing
the old stuff
the icky stuff
the stuff that
keeps me
awake
at night

i’m trying so hard
to find my way
to the light
where maybe
the sun
can help cauterize
my scars
maybe i
can have a chance
to be new
again

until i can rebuild
and renew
i am so grateful
that i can be myself
with you
that i can let
little bits of
the ugly
slip into
our conversation
and you won’t turn me away
you don’t run
when i
show how scary
i can be

thank you
for helping me
take the time
to learn who
i am
and
who i
want to
one day
be
 Mar 2021
Arlo Disarray
i would pick my pen up
if it wasn't so heavy

i would take my coat off
if it wasn't so cold

i would hand you my heart
if you asked me

but would you ever
dare be so bold?

i would jump off the edge
if you pushed me

i would test the water
if i knew how to swim

i would fly
up so high
if my wings would grow in

i would do anything for him
 Sep 2017
Arlo Disarray
talking to the moon
is like
being with you on a tuesday

getting home late,
but you stayed up
just to make sure
i made it home okay

you knew i could be wild
that i could do some stupid things
that nearly killed me

and now i understand the fear

every time i see
a shooting star
up in the sky
i wish that this was all a dream
and once again,
i'll see your smile

it's been nearly
two years now,
and i guess i'm still in denial

you were my everything, dad

my world is a different place, now
the flowers smell less fragrant
and the trees
appear a paler shade of green

i can never fully word
what i'm trying to say
but you know what i mean

a bullet couldn't have killed you
the forensics must be wrong
there's no way that you killed yourself
you always taught me to be strong

now, i wear a paper shell
to cover all my pain
but it easily disintegrates
every time
it rains

time wraps around me gently
and it swaddles me to tears
as i watch the pain
in front of me
caused by all
my years
it's two years this month since my dad's suicide, and i still can't believe he's gone
 Sep 2016
SkinlessFrank
Sometimes a fatted pig will wander off from the pen and find his way to the pond on the edge of the property.  If it’s dark or foggy, he may fall in and sink to the bottom.  Only later when his carcass has filled with methane and mucous will he float to the surface.  You’ll know he’s been in the water for a while when you see the bloat, the blisters oozing, and the skin sloughing off in large sheets.  Don’t go there.  It might reflect poorly on you.

Ok.  So you didn’t listen.  You went ahead and fetched a stick and poked.   And you were taken aback by just  how easily it slid through his tissues, like the time when that pigeon alighted on your hand, and you were startled by how it weighed almost nothing at all.  So to see what might come of it, you wiggled the stick, and suddenly what was left of the liver and kidneys popped up onto the surface and spit a stream of water into your mouth. They drifted towards you and away again, like your lost toy sailboat, the one that got off the string and floated down the rapids in Lucerne.  Over the falls it went, under the covered bridge, and that was the end.

Of course you still eat blood sausage.  Why wouldn't you?  The texture is rubbery but the taste is well ….. like blood....so metallic on your tongue.   But this blood will not wash away your sins.  It’s more like Pepsi Cola, or maybe Mountain Dew.
 Jun 2016
Arlo Disarray
The hardest thing that has ever happened to me in this life was losing you, Dad.

When I got the phone call saying you were gone, I nearly fell to my knees.

You were everything.
You were happy Saturdays filled with shooting hoops at the nearby school. You were smiles for miles when I came up to hug you. You were warmth, happiness, and love. You ARE the reason I am who I am today. You gave me compassion, humor, and creativity. You are my hero, and you always will be.

I will miss you every day for the rest of my life, but today I want to honor you and your memory by telling the world how lucky I was to have you as my father.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. I miss you very much.
This is my first father's day since I lost him.
 May 2016
Arlo Disarray
I wish that I could close my eyes
and go back to being five
To when things were simpler
and I just loved being alive

If only then I knew
the future pain of losing you
I would've held on so much tighter
through the speedy times I grew

I miss the sound of Saturday
when I would hear you mow the lawn
As I woke up to start the weekend
with a sleepy morning yawn

I always loved your sincere smile
when I'd bring home my awesome grades
And how you'd take me out for pizza
every time I got straight A's

You were the greatest dad I could've had
I miss you every day
Thank you for the love you gave
and for making me this way
 May 2016
Arlo Disarray
It's been a while since we last met
Last time I saw you, you were sad
Your face had grown so worn
from all the tears you hid from me

I wish you'd smiled that last time
Just once

The memories I have of you are so warm
You were always the sun
You made me proud to be alive
Proud to be your little girl

No one made me shine the way you did
You were the spark inside my flame

I can still see your encouraging smile when I close my eyes
You are the reason I am all I've grown to be

And I just wish you would have looked happy and proud one last time before you were gone
I miss my dad.
 Jan 2016
MIEKL
It's taken me some time to be happy for you
To curdle you from me  

But now it's done I'm happy for me too

               Just so you know I'm still the same; I offer you a sign
 Jan 2016
Gabrielle
You sit up with a start
form outlined by the afterglow, or is that the sunrise?
We've been in bed for years it seems
and you're still unaware of me watching, listening
to the silent sobs and scratchy breaths
of the dream daemons that live in your lenses and tug your eyes cross and blind.

You've seen me unclothed, but I've seen you naked.
And you are beautiful.
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