08.08.14: I look in the mirror and I see the fingerprints seared into my skin. I see all the things you called
| beautiful |
and see them as
ugly
tainted
and defiled.
Because you built up an image of me I never could see, when you left it came crashing down even lower than before.
Now I hate words like:
"I'm sorry",
"I love you",  &
"I won't leave".
Because you did everything you said you wouldn't.
You weren't sorry—you're dating someone else.
You don't love me—you lust me.
You left.
And now I've got a void called my heart that's filled with shattered pieces after you bulldozed through my life.
Thanks for the poison memories and toxic dreams.

I remember the first day
I saw him.
He sat curled around that teddy bear
like it was the love of his life.
Shy
blushing
intrigued...
All the thoughts my little thirteen year old
mind could harbor.

I remember building a bond
one unlike any other.
I'd never been able to open myself up.
Free myself
Not until he,
Not until he was­­–
is–
continues to be.

I remember the way he looked at me while
driving down the road, laughing at his sister's cat.
Innocent.
Both drunk on each other's company
Addicted.
Unwilling for change.

I remember listening.
Listening to you talk about the girl you hoped to marry.
Someday.
Feeling about how much pride I'd have in being a bridesmaid.
Telling you about my fear of being unloved–
unwanted–
uncherished–
But you.
You just hugged me
promised I would not fade away.

I remember we bloomed
flourished
intensified.
Our souls intertwining
passions flairing
Heated, red-faced argument.
The way you pulled me into you
lying together
my head on your heart
your arms around my lungs
peacefully existing.
Breathe in–
breathe out–
Breathe in–
breathe out–
together.
for what I hoped would be forever.

I remember the pain.
The kind that overwhelms your senses
the kind that demands to be felt.

I remember how everything stopped.
G O N E
Like someone had ripped out my lungs,
and then told me to take a deep breath.
The lungs you once held–
So carefully–
now had gaping holes in them
created by your absence
the undeniable thought that you were gone
and willingly gone.
I remember.


I know the peace.
I feel it every day.
In your absence I welcome the immense calm.
You made your choice.
And you will make one again...
All you have to say is
'Please?'
And I'm all yours.


With two souls like ours
We will always find a way to each other.
*Always

07.01.14: Even in another country the image of you with her, haunts me. How could you? When you knew how guys have treated me in the past?

07.6.14: I think that as more and more time goes by without you giving a **** about me and all the **** that you're putting me through— I think I'm only still in love with the idea of who you portrayed yourself to be. You've told me yourself no one really knows who you are. So when it's 4:27am and you're alone in your bed thinking of the past, I hope you feel alone. I hope you understand that this time I didn't contribute to this war. I have just stayed where I was put while you continue to choose to run around taking your own bullets intended for me. I've gotten hit a few times but you're taking the blunt of it. This one isn't my fault and there's no way for you to pin it on me. You told me once that I needed to take the defense and let guys step up into the offense. **So step up.

He pretends not to love her
but every time he looks in the mirror
he sees everything he could've had with her

He pretends not to want her
but every time she says 'hi'
he whispers 'i miss you'
at his phone
but sends 'hey'

He pretends not to need her but hes slowly realizing the sweetness she brought to the air was the only thing he was ever willing to live for

He pretends not to remember her
but when he's crying in the shower,
his tears tell him otherwise

He pretends not to dream of her but when he wakes from night terrors and a sweaty brow, he realizes it's her absence haunting him

He pretends not to notice the flowers in his driveway that she planted
three years ago for his mother
and fights the urge to rip them from the ground

He pretends to shut her out but he knows he can never let her go without losing himself in the process

04.4.14: I don’t need you

05.1.14: I don’t need you!

05.28.14: Three months in and I wish you would tell me why but I think that would **** me even more.

I just want one of those forbidden romances where you'll sneak out together and drive along a back road and listen to songs that tug your heart strings and sing at the top of your lungs. God, I want that so bad. I'm willing to wait for it, but ****. I've been waiting for too long.

No you don't. Because when it all comes crashing down all you have is a sea of memories and no one to tell them too because it was "forbidden" in the first place. You feel sick by looking at your body in the mirror. Their touches burned into your skin, the images seared on your mind. It's not glamorous. It's not tasting him in your cigarettes or empty beds in lovely little hotels. It's not rainy afternoons where the air wraps around you like he did or cups of coffee the color of his eyes. It's just a lot of shaking and crying and hyperventilating and blood. The words i love you* will never come out the same. They leave you clutching at your chest and clamoring down the hall just for some air. They leave you empty. They twist around your body and cut off your blood circulation. Forbidden romance is a fine fantasy. But keep it there because it isn't reality and will never be able to exist. Save yourself the time and just read a book about it.