i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time

                                                               ­   i dont want to ******* exist

goodnight to you and good morning to me
cause i know ill be up all night
with my heavy head
and hardened memory foam pillows
stuck against my bed

if youre the sadist i believe in, ill describe my pain in detail:
the middle parts of my eyebrows were hit with too much information,
my eyelids are burning with salt
(i hope it causes an abrasion on my cornea),
the tips of my nostrils burn and feel wet,
my shoulders slouch and the blades sharpen
(i hope they tear through my back),
the rash on my legs and arms is from scratching during the phone call,

[yea i get itchy when you make me nervous,
im glad you only call me when youre upset]

my stomach is tight from not eating but i still want to throw up,
my existence is weightless and im caught in my paradox again

Paradox:

you are the terrifying beauty in all things,
i am constantly haunted by your everything,
yet i know you cannot be true.

when did a smile so smoked shrouded,
become so entangling in my mind?

say something new,
you benevolent witch,
so i can sleep at night now knowing
you are but aren't existing in something else.

without you i am everything, because you are everything.
with you i am nothing, because you are nothing.

my greatest fear became my greatest virtue.

why did someone leave
that man alone on the sidewalk of a pet store
along the midnight highway?

the question invokes a universal terror
that is relatively the greatest idea i ever imagined

you were born with the mind of an artist;
consider it a gift, consider it a curse,
either way, you will both love and hate every **** thought you have.

she-loves-me:
she-loves-me-not:
::pluralism,
brand your curse on your heart,
doesn't happen once or twice,
every time, **** time

two brains sitting one inside the other endlessly,
"at least you can make beautiful things" is a blessing,
but my life is a curse

cigar strokes stinging mid-car ride down the hill of the highway
reminds me all too much
of the slow hum of a dimmed light hanging about a smoke covered sink

"im still humiliated"

she sinks into the kitchen floor
one hand over her ribcage
and the other over god-knows-what means the world to her today
i am waiting for an explication
to the wary few days

sitting over a body can only get you so far
when her mind is millions of miles away
some place happier, i hope
because the noose she tied
is too small for her neck

dark blue spring sky
sitting high above my head
yet i can barely remember how
yellow the slide was where
id watch my parents sit and smoke
as my youth would flash down
into the dirt

watering the grass became a sport
less a chore
as bumblebees would spring out
of the blades only to
be shot down by a rush of
water

cut up knees and cigarette burns
erected a time of what i thought
could be but definitely was not
total bliss
i still feel the very pain
of falling face first into
the gravel
only to grovel at the
streams of blood and dirt
flowing from my very body

thats it, my 6 year old self thought,
im dirt

twist
pull
rip
tear
repeat

the desk needs tidying
tea boxes scattered
focus on the bed
the comfy bed that
needs to be made
but no one can make you leave

pace 3 steps
you took four
back 5 steps

maybe an hour
in the comfy bed
yea, two hours

3 hours
rise
twist
pull

the desk needs tidying
class missed

pace 4 steps
be fair
back 4 steps

maybe a half hour
tear blanket from bed
but it is dinner time
rip skin

repeat

im burning out on our fire sails
hard-bordered waves and pencil wasted oceans
how funny it would be to be a star
millions apart but still in sight

ill grow and peak and die
caught in your eye
shot and seemingly existing forever
ill tell you its been 43 minutes
and not much has changed

keep your boat at bay in the middle of the lake
i hoped youd build that
literal on-the-water home
just to look me in the eyes
every night

everyday I am waiting for the moment that
everything tears apart in some way I cannot
yet comprehend. the scales tip spontaneously
in favor of what does not exist, just as I tip
off the bridge of what is dream and what is
reality. I am waiting still for the day the
cosmos        rip
        into                         tiny fibres

your heartbeat drums to the sunrise outside your balcony door.
my chest shakes with excitement,
anticipating the blooming of your flower eyes
as you wake up from 6 hours of sleep.

i cant tell if i forgot you that night, or every night.
in my static bliss, you dont exist.
too perfect to be part of my imperfect thoughts.
overlapping memories and blurry realities,
none able to mouth out your name.

every encounter is a new impression for me,
i just dont know when the record will finally skip.

i ask for romance
simple? i think

but i was captivated
you burnt the shreds of paper on the flame of the candle,
the way the flicker of the flame hit your face,
the way the corner of your lips curled at the sight,
the way the material disintegrated into watery wax,
the way your eyes shined with an almost unnatural orange,
the way your hand pressed between your thighs,
the way your fingertips almost left a mark
                                 on all of my nights

it doesn't take a man

to be respectful to a woman
to not yell at a girl for rejecting a drink
to not hit a woman who hurt him in some way
to resist the urge of having *** with a reluctant woman
to hold in a cat call late at night
to prevent **** and ****** assault

to stand up for whats right
to look into others interests
to fight for the underprivileged
to know right from wrong
to identify societal problems today
to hope for women to live and succeed

it takes a human being to realize
something much bigger is happening
than our finite
identities

I'd pull my covers over my head one last time,
just to smell the faint blood you shed and rolled in,
from nightly cuts and dry eyes
devoid of tears.

I stared at the lines around your lips so long,
they faded into the sheets and I couldn't tell you
from the bed.

Do you ever think you didn't exist?
Probably Not, I repeat almost daily.
Send me more letters and dot your i's next time,
you were always clumsy with your hands,
with tattooed wrists and scarred forearms.

I'm still lying where you left me.
I got stuck, I'll admit.
Just know that I'll be gone tomorrow.
No, this time for good.

I have this stack of
letters that I saved just for
you but there are no stamps
nor envelopes nor
mailmen that can assist me
in my fifth or sixth
attempt to reach
you. There are no
landlines nor roads nor
rivers that span as far
as the distance between
us that ties us
together. My legs
itch my back stings my
eyelids stick but
my heart stands
still taped to the
reverse of my
letters for you.

please don't ever be offended
if i can't spit it all out on the table in front of you
it hurts to keep it inside as much as it does to throw it away
i'll never be alright
i'm sitting here now vulnerable in public as my hands frantically
spend time trying to find the words because my brain
just shut down
i don't want to move but the world feels so hostile
i know i know i know no one wants to do anything to me
but i want to know they want me dead
because that's what i wanted to be in the first place

does it make you uncomfortable that i want to be in love with you?

im dying to read everything inside you
not highlighting the standouts
or ripping even-numbered pages
im living to know everything about you

youre the only prescription not in an orange bottle
over a sterile counter for me
no, youre white, not lab coat
white lily, lily-eyed, eye-height
hand fumbling hard in hand
sweet tea, sweet you, bitter me

ill take trains to see you
week after week
with coffee grind hair
and empty stomach fever
just for a small smile
and short arm brush

does it make you want to be in love with me that im uncomfortable?

in a valley of apathy between mountains of content and success
i can shout to the tops of both but lets face it, i'm depressed
no i didn't fall off a cliff, though i wished i did
i must have the world revolve around me, god forbid

i'm a low life in a low place, my only daily reminder
counting the remainder of my years before i pass
"come a bit sooner" i say, hoping this day is the last
of the many hours in bed, too scared to even move,
hearing my heart pound through my chest,
isn't that the best? no, i only want to die,
i really cant say why, its why i was born,
i'm not part of the social norm, i'm low-headed
but the mountaintops are still dreaded
when i start my long hike of scrapes and falls

the people up top i call my friends think they know it all,
how to go a night without wanting to bawl
your eyes out in a fit of excitement
they name depression my indictment
they call me the worst type of sinner
that when i look in the mirror i want to be thinner
so i starve and starve and starve again
never to win, it'll only pile up and never end

they were screaming "swallow your pride"
but i was too scared i'd choke
the phrases they say are a record that broke
the needle keeps cracking cracking cracking cracking
like my self esteem that they're attacking attacking attacking
i'm shutting down, i want no more of this
if my ignorance is bliss, then i'm going to the heaven you call hell

ill see the day where there is no more
where getting out of bed is no longer a chore
and my internal screams are the soundtrack to your nights
i know that might scare you
it just might
but you'll see the day where i don't have to
be in pain from the day i was born
we can rewrite everything i've felt
when you know about the nights i've dealt

my heart was equally as warm
as the small rubs of motion and
emotion of the most human of
interaction.
you drew the burden out of
the deep well burying
what i thought was only normal
apathy.
i can only request for you to stomp
harder on what i formerly believed so dear
because what you call empathy in me
is all i can see in you.

the strings of light from street lamps
seem so much sharper through eyes desert dry of emotion.
I am void of reason from the faun following me
down a hill of rock and weeds.
can we be as symbiotic as rain clouds and lightning?

lifelessly occupying physical space while swinging beneath two pines;
maybe that's just a June night's spirit of nature,
wet, frozen, and alone.

You are as ethereal as the wind that forms over snow thawing on a spring day.

You woke me this morning through my window,
I couldn't tell if it was the whisper or dance you
left on my lips.

Your air was thin yet cold, but I felt
so warm at heart.
You drew me near to signs of what's to come.
Although excited, I pause time.

I want to stay here.
I want to stay here forever.

why are the planes so low when I am nowhere near the airport?
maybe it's a plot to crash straight into me.

which is exactly what you didn't.

im here with a
risk of sternal injury
gripping and smashing
my heart through the
stripes of my ribs

i got a hole in my head
and a whole lot of ******* done
shoot me in the brain
in the chest for one
so i can think through my crotch

still enslaved to ***
a breed of breeding mass produced

I am 6.3 miles from home on an 11:30 night stuck worrying about the same thing of perspective.

The way I feel about you has driven deeper than casket nails in the past 10 hours. I know 3 weeks of my time will be a Friday night to you. Maybe it's more lopsided than my asymmetrical eyes, but these emotions go unrequited because of someone who is not me.

It's nothing of your persona, only your perfect idea. A philosopher doesn't fall for the thinker, only the thought. You're the vessel of my one flawless mental creation that came as a broken jar in an antique clay shop. I could have been born decades earlier and I still wouldn't have made it in time to tear you from something you never had to be attached to.

But now as I clarify my final statement on engineers and metal pieces, does the idea of me linger more heavily in her mind than yours in mine? I need a new appraisal and I've got 3 weeks and 18 miles. I have no expectations but I expect the world from you.

we felt out bones snap in
every short movement
from ambitious recklessness
and hope of waking up to each other tomorrow

the creaks in our joints
need to be louder than
the girls calling me every night
because i want my voice
to only be calling you every night
when you cant sleep from
the sore eyes and bruised
lips

i wanted to be left breathless
and i knew everything i needed was in you
youre my lungs breathing deep
and exhaling until i choke
the closest ***** to my heart

i swear we just met
yet every thought ive had burns bright
from your tiny lantern eyes
and candlelit heart

"throw 'em in boxes; they
deserve nothing more than
that" Order 1: keep up with
He who tells me what to do.
we're here to serve, nothing
more for the condition, it's a
cycle and it's painful, but all
honest living comes from this.
"'generalize, condemn, utilize'
this is our only motto. laws stand
for all, not one, the individual is
inferior." Order 2: drink more
beer and learn not to relax. He
might be watching but i've grown
not to care. "no grey area, it's universal, believe me, i'm the UNIVERSALTRUTHFORALL" Order 3: don't operate under His code, mental slavery prone, reboot and reprogram, existkilldestroywhitebloodcellsreplacerepair(check) clean, clear.

Individual?
destruction imminent, hints of smoke

who is that critic in your mind?
she keeps pushing you around all the time.
a day will come when the voices
will subside and no more will those
songs about me hide.

little sleeper, keep a spot on the shelf
for your mind
because i see myself
in the thoughts you leave behind.

you feel stuck in a ditch,
i know this is true,
but i also know those little thoughts
aren't the kitsch
you thought you knew.

how i wish you could cut back the ropes
and know your shining hopes
glow in my heart
even when we feel more than millions of miles apart.

so sleep, my sweetheart,
let your dreams scream aloud.
i'll make sure to whisper in your ear,
how much you mean to me,
and how much i'm proud.

I left my future to an orange tube,
Though the barrel non-lethal by law.

There's slavery in shooting blanks against your head,
Til the day one blows your brains out,
While experts increase caliber,
To fit tolerance.

I'd think I'm dead,
But I'll reload every 90 days,
just in case.

You press your fingers into my side.

Slow stroll, no immediate destination,
Which is deemed good.
My mood elevates slowly,
Gradual, yet violent in every neuron,
Raising flags with your name.

The sweet smell of cinnamon and your peach perfume burn my nose.

Five month interval,
Before: Six month,
Prior: Sixteen years.
The buffer period makes me wonder,
If your idea even existed then.

Brother and sister,
We laugh at lovers.

We laugh out of time,
Out of tune,
Out of love and peace and whatever made you so sweet?
Make sure to visit soon,
okay kid?

For some strange reason, I keep repeating the same thought in my head:

Wouldn't it be beautiful
to live to the end of the universe
and fade into the stars
with the sounds of nothingness?

Maybe all those stars are people screaming to the worlds around us.
Shouting, yelling, crying, "I exist."

If that were true,
I hope my light shines brightest,
or burns out entirely.