please don't ever be offended
if i can't spit it all out on the table in front of you
it hurts to keep it inside as much as it does to throw it away
i'll never be alright
i'm sitting here now vulnerable in public as my hands frantically
spend time trying to find the words because my brain
just shut down
i don't want to move but the world feels so hostile
i know i know i know no one wants to do anything to me
but i want to know they want me dead
because that's what i wanted to be in the first place

in a valley of apathy between mountains of content and success
i can shout to the tops of both but lets face it, i'm depressed
no i didn't fall off a cliff, though i wished i did
i must have the world revolve around me, god forbid

i'm a low life in a low place, my only daily reminder
counting the remainder of my years before i pass
"come a bit sooner" i say, hoping this day is the last
of the many hours in bed, too scared to even move,
hearing my heart pound through my chest,
isn't that the best? no, i only want to die,
i really cant say why, its why i was born,
i'm not part of the social norm, i'm low-headed
but the mountaintops are still dreaded
when i start my long hike of scrapes and falls

the people up top i call my friends think they know it all,
how to go a night without wanting to bawl
your eyes out in a fit of excitement
they name depression my indictment
they call me the worst type of sinner
that when i look in the mirror i want to be thinner
so i starve and starve and starve again
never to win, it'll only pile up and never end

they were screaming "swallow your pride"
but i was too scared i'd choke
the phrases they say are a record that broke
the needle keeps cracking cracking cracking cracking
like my self esteem that they're attacking attacking attacking
i'm shutting down, i want no more of this
if my ignorance is bliss, then i'm going to the heaven you call hell

ill see the day where there is no more
where getting out of bed is no longer a chore
and my internal screams are the soundtrack to your nights
i know that might scare you
it just might
but you'll see the day where i don't have to
be in pain from the day i was born
we can rewrite everything i've felt
when you know about the nights i've dealt

everyday I am waiting for the moment that
everything tears apart in some way I cannot
yet comprehend. the scales tip spontaneously
in favor of what does not exist, just as I tip
off the bridge of what is dream and what is
reality. I am waiting still for the day the
cosmos        rip
        into                         tiny fibres

i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time i said for the last time

                                                               ­   i dont want to ******* exist

im here with a
risk of sternal injury
gripping and smashing
my heart through the
stripes of my ribs

i got a hole in my head
and a whole lot of ******* done
shoot me in the brain
in the chest for one
so i can think through my crotch

still enslaved to ***
a breed of breeding mass produced