the words 'you will forever stay in our hearts'
are like tattoos written on our bodies.
we are promised to our loved ones
to never forget them
as we move on without their hobbies.

but we do,
yes, we do.
we forget them as if they were just a piece of paper,
and break that promise as if it were a broken finger.

why make promises,
when in the end, the ocean will wash them away?
why trust people,
when in the end, they'll throw you along the way?

that's the point of tinted promises.
and my promise was to live on with life.
but with the people in it,
i'm starting to get tired
of chasing cars that are not worth running for
because once they open that car door,
they'll hurt you again once more.

Escaping into fantasy, her mind is
at ease there,
she can remove the blunt knife of
reality, that endlessly stabs
her right in the back
repeatedly, no success, replacing its
blunted edges for something
real and sharp
blood pours
the deeper the red, the faster her feet
take her to her dream land
wonderland
freeland
freedom lies, in the swampy
depths of her mermaid life
fiction and fantasy, blur with a
softly tinted reality, pour another
know each sip, takes the edges
fades them, and pushes her further
to a place where no one or thing
can touch or reach or hurt her
in this place, she knows only
each and every dream, the lover she
so craves, to be realised, unfazed
it is safer here, for it is all she could


                                                        ­            literally,
                                                                ­                   dream for
                                                                ­                                     and more.

© Sia Jane

have I been here before
lying under sheets I have covered our bodies with
when the midnights have been chills
our naked feet relying on the warmth of corners and limbs
listening to airplane skies
and the echoes of infomercials sending radio waves through my thin walls
the sound of you breathing
as trees sway along my blinds
if I compared you sleeping to music
will it be harder to let go

the nights have always been the same
airport schedules have always followed routine
the trees and the cars passing by will always be stuck between my shades

all has happened
before and after you
and my poetry will never save me

frosted upon my bed
I am gazing the ceiling
an absence of stars
nothing but sky

and I think of a time
when inside your arms
it way okay

I stand there, avoiding the instance of your coming
letting the noise drown my thoughts
allowing the wind to remind me to move on
restricting any word to escape my mouth

But my senses always got the best of me

I feel you
My skin could not contain it's longing to be held again
I hear you
My ears immediately focus on your husky voice
I smell you
My nose has never been so familiarized to a scent
I see you
My eyes lose control but manage to cancel everyone else in the room
I almost talk to you
My mouth chokes and reminds itself that I am its master
I let this mutiny pass with the exception of my words
Restraint is our motto
But I guess I couldn't avoid the unplanned rendezvous of our eyes

You're coming closer
Your eyes filled with determination
filled with comfort
filled with happiness
While mine remain the total opposite
You comfortably say, "How are you?"

How dare you

You managed to make my mind lose it's control once again
You have manipulated it to reminisce a tormenting past
Something I thought I have trained it not to do
Ruining my scripted response of "I'm fine"
Messing up the story line in a matter of three words
My eyes are telling a story
I hope it's language is foreign to you

My eyes
I recall you saying it was my best asset  
And often I would close it, an action I'm restraining at the moment
You know I closed it when you touched me
Setting my skin ablaze with the feeling of security
I closed it when you carelessly said "I love you"
Making my gullible heart get too attached
I closed it when you cuddled me
Wanting to get lost in the moment
I closed it when you kissed me
Hoping the feeling will last forever
I closed it when you stopped all these
Wondering what I was doing wrong
I closed it when you were texting someone else
Dying to know who, but afraid to ask
I closed it when you lied to me
Wishing you would take it back
I closed it when you left me
A moment tattooed in my vision
Open or closed, I see it
And others see it too

Your question remains unanswered by words
I will not close my eyes
Not this time
I'm just staring
Directly at your beautiful pair
Half-hoping you see it too
My eyes that scream "Save me"
Louder than what my lungs can reach
For this is the most effective way to respond

Everything made sense
And my senses were playing along
But you walked away naively
And what hurt me the most was the fact that
You
read
my
*eyes

I remember Mondays in Coach Mac's class. How I loathed yet loved this occurrence. During the period of poetry, each student was asked to write one of their own and read them aloud in class. To write your feelings, your thoughts, onto lined paper and stand in class constructed spot light, asked to peel the skin off of your body to display.

Others mastered the art of avoidance. Of detachment. They often wrote about how fall was coming or an ode to another classmate. But I was never good at running. So I wrote. Not of happiness because he is a stranger to me. I wrote of what I've known for the past five years of my life.

They told me I had talent. And each Monday they anticipated the moment that I would stand up and read.

They wanted to hear my words. They wanted to know the hopelessness of depression and the consuming sadness that I have only known. They hung on to every syllable of my heartbreak and every stroke of ink of my depression. They wanted to know. They wanted to hear. They held on because I wrote words that discomforts, subjects tucked under the rug. I wrote about the raw experiences they themselves could not verbalize. Yet they were familiar.

They wanted the words from someone else's mouth.

They fell in love with my depression but they never wanted to help.

i know a boy
who sits behind me
always tapping his pen
tapping
and tapping
fingertips spelling

i am anxious

i know a boy
who walks me to class
looks at me before I leave
his foot keeps
tapping
and tapping
and I keep waiting

for him to tell me goodbye
so I can go to class

i know a boy
who cannot stop

like a car alarm on
christmas morning

like police sirens
underwater

a boy
afraid of the pause
the rest, the wait, the halt
the slow motion of eyes meeting,
elbows accidentally touching
words becoming deep breaths,
hesitating instead

I know a boy
who is still a child

and over and over,
i loved him "still"

I have tried it all
To get the monsters in my soul
Smoking them out
Drowning them in alcohol
Poisoning them with pills
Putting them to sleep with green happiness
Bleeding them out
And yet every night they whisper
I am here
I will always be here
As long as you are here