That's all he could say
If I asked what I did
If I made a point
If I said I was sorry

That's all he could say
If a restaurant didn't have rice
If I said too much
If I said too little

That's ALL he could say

Somedays I don't remember
Somedays I can't forget
You stole my innocence
I was just a little girl

I wish I could find you
I want my childhood back
This has only made me stronger
I won't hide behind this pain

I pray there was no one else
No little girl should know this pain
Mommy's social butterfly lost
Hiding from this pain

I thought it was an affect of war
Men and women fighting for our freedom, coming home to fight an even bigger battle in their heads

I was 25 when I realized I have PTSD
I struggled my whole life trying to find the little girl that was taken from me
Trying to piece everything together

He not only took that girl from me
He took her from my parents
He took her innocence and her happy
He took her to please himself

They say I'll always have PTSD
I feel like a fraud for having it
I never fought in a war
I never lost a friend to war

How is it fair to struggle like this?
When so many more have seen worse
So many have felt worse
I don't want this PTSD

He took everything from me
I was just a little girl
Fighting to be innocent
Fighting to be me

I had to take a step back
Take a hard look into the damage he was causing
I didn't realize how horrible he was
Constant arguing and hate

I had to take a step back
He'd yell at me for relaxing after work
The emotional abuse was invisible
Until I took a step back

If you would have asked me 2 months ago if I'd ever feel again, I'd laugh then cry.
The pain I was left with was unimaginable.
I thought I would live with that hurt forever.
Constant shaking and anxiety.
Crying all day and night for 3 months.

After everything I've been through,
This betrayal hurt the worst.
Everything came crashing down.
All I could feel was pain.

Then one day I came back to life.
No more tears and no more pain.
I still think about it, how it made me feel.
But I could breathe again.

I had picked myself up and put myself back together yet again. All taped and glued.
Never wanting to give my heart away.
Never wanting to trust or love again.

When your heart has been damaged as many times as mine has, it becomes dark and cold.
Never wanting to let anyone experience the love, care, faith and loyalty you provide.

I used *** to heal. Not letting anyone get close enough to get anything but ***.
I was determined to keep my heart safe.
I was prepared to never feel again.
Which made the *** pointless and disapointing.

Then it happened.. after 4 months of healing, I let someone connect with me. I let someone make me feel again.
It terrifies me but feels so good.
I never thought I'd feel anything like this ever again.

I dont know where it will go or what will happen. But it gives my heart hope.
As scared of hurt as I am, I want to feel.
But can I trust anyone with this heart of mine?

What god would allow this?
What god thinks this is ok?
What god takes innocence?
What god takes children?

What god would allow ****** people to have children while good people struggle to conceive?
What god would let a child be ***** before her 7th ******* birthday then ***** again in her teens?

No god would allow any of this
There is no god
You pray to nothing