It's 3 PM and you're somewhere in the middle of wanting to die but feeling like you've never been so happy.
It's 9 PM now, and you can feel yourself slowly getting sad.
It's 2 AM, and you knew this would happen. You lay on your bed getting lost in Twitter, trying to not feel so alone by talking to people 3000 miles away. You can't pinpoint exactly what is wrong. It feels like everything and nothing all at the same time, and your bones hurt and your breath feels like it's crushing you and thoughts are swirling around so fast you can't keep up and everything physically hurts too because of the emotional pain, and you're so **** tired. Not literally. You can't go to sleep because you need to stay up and try to deal with your problems, wherever they are and whatever they may be. Everything annoys you except silence, from the music you love to your dog trying to comfort you. But thinking about it only makes it worse so what are you supposed to do? Everything is a contradiction. You, yourself are a contradiction. At least that's what it feels like. You're not sad, you're not happy. You know how and why you feel like this, but you're so confused. You want to cry so much, to release everything, but you can't. It's like your body won't do it. You don't know what's causing the pain, but you know it's you and your thoughts. You want to stop, give up, but you also look for any reason to hold on just one more minute, because then, maybe, hopefully, you can survive anything. Or at least believe it. You look out the window and your heart flutters out of both anxiety and the beautiful sight of the night. For a moment you feel like you're floating. Out of body. Why? Wanderlust? Are you thinking too deeply again, like you have a bad habit of doing? You tell yourself you're crazy, that no one else thinks like this. But you also want to be unique. You're glad.
See? It's all just a contradiction, my dear.
So you breathe a little and close your blinds and write all this down, trying to make some sense out of what your life is right now. Trying to find hope and breathe life back into your cracked, breathless soul.
Good morning. It's 10 AM, and we'll do this again.