I'll never see the same.
I'll,
Never put faith in an empty thing.

I've known from the start,
How to trust my instincts.

But I've made such a huge mistake.
I let you in when I built a cage.

You were an exception to it all,
I can't be confused,
When I chose to fall.

I have self control,
After all.

I let you in past the locks.
I built a home over all my scars,
Just to watch burn over again.

Just to watch the scars form again.

You laugh at me from behind a screen,
As if sifting through ashes is a funny thing.

My heart has died a thousand times.
This isn't different and I will survive.

If I could write you,
An open letter,
I would tell you it's okay to miss me.

I would tell you to work on everything you,
Gave away,
To make room for me.

I could tell you that I know,
You were just angry,
And you are angry.

We are angry.

I would tell you that this was the most exciting thing,
To love another man,
And I would say that you can delete the pictures,
And any connection to my name,
But I will never forget your face.

And I will sleep at night,
With glimpses of our smiles in the moonlight.

I'll never delete a single frame,
Because deleting and forgetting are not the same thing.

Looking back we both know it was never right.

You can't build love on lies.
You can't build trust behind infidelity,
Although we know we tried.

So many corners,
and we kept skidding by,
It's easy to see,
With how we handled the drive,
That this love would burn,
And crash,
And die.

You stumbled into that old bedroom,
I pick my head up off the floor.

It's way too early in the morning,
Just past four.

I hadn't seen you since the day before.

"Where were you?
Where would you,
Why would you go?"

I have no right to question you.
You're a man and you'll do,
As men do.

I have no right to question you.
On repeat,
You could not lie to me.
I should know better,
Shut up,
And trust you.
If I could just shut up,
You would explain.
But I choose to yell at you about,
Everything.

That's you,
Passing blame,
Pacing around,
Coming down,
In growing aggitation.
Throwing it,
In my direction.

Liar, liar.

I need indefinite space,
Between me and that look on your face.

Smoking another cigarette on the balcony.
Smoke fading into the morning sunlight.

You've locked me out again,
It's cold.

I fall asleep above the grass,
And promise myself you'll sober up.

Hours later you decide to open up.

I want to drive my knife into your gut.

I wade in what can,
Feel like eternity next to you.
When you're angry with,
me.

And I know that my,
Purposeful calmness can be,
Particularly irritating.
But,

I think the glass between us is,
Half full of sea water,
And,

There's an ocean,
Waiting to be full again,
So,

If, we can work together,
Setting differences aside,
I promise to always apologize.
Then,

We can return this glass,
Back into sand,
Which is a glass in it's natural,
Form.

We can,
Help the water can sink back,
Into our ocean that is,
Such an endless acceptance of,
Unconditional love.

And,
I can call our beach,
Home again.

Just promise not to look at me,
Through glass,
Morphing me into something,
You find hard to love.

Pour the anger out into the sand,
I'll hold you with my,
Damaged hands.

I can't count the amount of times,
I've packed my life into,
Cardboard boxes,
Of all shapes,
And all sizes.

I sit in a room emptying,
more and more as the days pass,
And I ******* hate it.

Where is home?

But I push on.
Keeping mental notes,
Of where I put my daily routine's,
Bits and pieces.

Where is home?

It seems I lose more of what I own,
Everytime I pack away parts,
Of my tangible soul.

No, it's true,
I don't have many things.

It makes it easier for when I have to leave.

I should be asleep.
My thoughts are racing.
It is all I can feel,
Emptiness.

Death is eminent.

I am the one who is irrelevant.

The ones who mattered most,
Have proven it.

How long before,
He starts to feel it?
How long before,

I draw the line?

I should not be alone.

I wish I was not,
Alone.

These thoughts,
I do not trust them.

But they've made a home in me.

I wish you knew.

I wish I knew,
How to tell you.

I cannot form the words,
I need.
But you hold me by the hands,
And plead.

But I do not know how.
I do not know how,
To tell you:

I am a sad girl.

I am a sad girl.

Days play on through decades.
Another needle to the arm,
And suddenly,
The little girl who calls you,
"Daddy,"
Can't jump into your arms.

She's much to tall.

And she remembers that day.
In the Arkansas fall,
She waited for the moment,
When you emerged in the driveway.

She thought,
"Not today.
I won't smile and pretend,
Everything is okay.
I will not cry into your arms.
I will not jump for joy into your,
Falsly,
Loving arms."

She thought she might accept the change,
instead she might,
Punch you in the face.
She might bite your hands when you,
Predictably,
Grab her to examine her face.

**"The years change you.
Look at how you've grown."

The little girl convinced herself,
She was afraid of the dark.

The lights go out and her mind began,
Painting evil works of art.

The empty abyss of closet space,
She saw the outline of the boogyman.
She heard the movement under her bead.

Shapes unknown,
Throughout the space of her bedroom.
She watched for all the creatures lurking.

She felt someone watching back,
Waiting for her to sleep,
So they could attack.

And hiding beneath the covers served no solace.
Her thoughts were not her friends.

Creatures were coming closer in the night,
Scratching at her bed.

She wanted to face the danger.
She refused to be eaten blind.

I don't know how else to show you.
As a daughter of yours,
You'd think my voice had power.

But I have no authority.

As you so choose to remind me.

Powerless to sway you.

I wanted the chance to see,
I wanted to fight and get angry.

Bad blood,
That bad blood pouring in between this,
We need to drain it.

I want to fight until you die.
So I can stand over your grave and say,
That I fought for your life everyday.

But I know the drugs will take you.
They already have you miles away.
They'll take you in death or in a cage.

They'll take you and break pieces of me,
That pain harbors deep within.

Did you not care or just didn't see,
The layers of **** you piled on me?
Years of drowning under your mistakes,
Your excrement of mental shame.

I just want to win.
I want to be perfect and impressionable,
So I can say that change is not impossible.

But I will be the one at your funeral,
******* the man I love by your tombstone.

Just to ******* over in death,
The way you did to me,
In life.

I'll stand at the podium and laugh,
Laugh because everything I did was not,
Enough.
So my efforts will be humorious.

I'll be mad as ****; insane.
But it won't matter,
You will never see the pain.

I'll be free when they lower you in dirt.
I'll be free but it will always hurt.