Living in Fear

Lost in a dream world, far beyond veracity-
Seated cross-legged upon a wooden beamed floor-
I pray to the Goddess, the savior of my spirit
Fabricated in a moment, although lost and forgotten-
Now I speak only to the people who live
Beyond the mountains, purple in their hue-

Dancing beneath the magical rain falling from
The loveliness of crimson clouds-
Melodious voices ring out as they
Enchantingly obliterate the demons of my past and present-
An expressive smile creeps up upon my face-
Finally I have been liberated-

As a ghost-like shadow eradicates the light,
I feel the presence of faltering footsteps
Pounding the floors-
Loudening voices resonate throughout the confinement of this room:
Speaking the words “I am coming to take you away-“
I feel a firm grip of a stranger’s hand upon my shoulder as
A metal cuff locks about my wrist-

I feel my body somehow
Disconnected from my mind as I rise to my feet-
Moments later, locked inside the confinement
Of an unfamiliar vehicle-
Blaring sirens exacerbate my fear-
In this moment of terrifying madness
I pray to the goddess, the savior of my spirit-
Crimson clouds transforming to dank, dark fogginess-
I feel a different sort of rain falling-

I have come to realization-
That the demons of my past and present - have returned-
As my soul escapes the confinement of my mind,
Thunder claps while lightening strikes-
There is no magic beyond mountains
No place for dancing and the only voice ringing out now
Vibrant as pounding upon a base drum bellows-
“I have come - to take you away-“

Claudia Krizay

Harmony

The sun shall rise atop the mountains
At the break of every new day-
Through my eyes, the sun becomes a mirror- through which
I can clearly see my reflection-
My eyes sparkle as; I foresee hope for a glorious new day
Filled with adventure, bliss and tranquility-
The clouds on the horizon form random shapes as they are changing colors-
Pinks and oranges and even golden, reflecting shadows of the trees
That are dancing in the early spring’s breeze-
These clouds are not dark as are rain clouds and
On this day my eyes shed no tears- although I ask myself-
Shall this inner peace and joy
That has awakened my spirit on this day last forever?
I recall as a child I used to fear the darkness and would pray for everlasting light-
But I know now that when the sun sets, the moon will rise and the stars shall come out,
These form the magic and mysteriousness of the twilight.
I can always wish upon a star for more harmony and contentment.
Even if the stars are hidden by dark thunder clouds of misfortune,
The sun, shall shine its light upon the world again and when the rain begins to fall,
I know it is the rain that makes the trees, grasses and flowers grow and flourish-
At the break of every day I now realize that whether I witness the light at sunrise, or
If I see the rain falling hard- these are both God’s gifts of nature and
I am fortunate to be alive-

Claudia Krizay

Evening Litany


It has so often been said that some people
Create dreams, and others live them…

If I were offered reality, I would refuse it-
Even in my most profound moments of madness, as I live in fear…

If friendship were offered to me, I may accept it, but
With care and caution, for I do not trust many…

-Although- if a tune was played, I would sing to it, because
Music brings to me peace and joy, as it uplifts my wounded spirit…

If one brought me incense, I would let it permeate my castle, for
Its sweetness and delicate scent would soothe me and calm my
Tormented soul…

If the whole world wished to trade with me their madding crowd to
My solitude, I would say” No”, for in
My solitude, I have found freedom of expression of my
Inner creative self, and-

If I were offered the world,
I could never part with my dreams,
For it is in these dreams that I have created,
I have found a home

Sirens

Past midnight I can hear a siren blasting,
The sound loudening as it passes by
I believe that somebody could be at death’s door tonight.

Rapidly disappearing down the highway
Though out of sight now but never out of mind-
I can still hear the alarm bell blaring-
As it did the night my mother was taken away
Twenty two years ago today.

Not so long ago- I can recall
When I myself was taken away because
Somehow my grasp on reality had faded-
I believed I was possessed by some demonic being.
And hearing voices no one else could hear.

A raging sound it was, and unrelenting-
A sound reminiscent of agonizing dread
I recall fading into the bleakness of despair, as
My whole world had darkened and became ill fated.

I  can still hear sirens every day and night
Blasting down the thoroughfare
Within the realm of my imagination, I can still envision
Dying souls buried within the gardens of the deceased.

I can hear those sirens blaring now, on this night
Bringing back memories of my mother’s demise or of
The night I had lost my sanity-
As I clench my fists in utmost fear, I try to seek the light-
As the sirens I hear screaming down the road tonight
Could be coming to take ME away once more, and
I could be the victim once again,

But as the outrageously terrifying noise quickly fades away
A sigh of relief brings a smile upon my face
As I realize that those times are over and behind me now=and
Memories of those times have suddenly and miraculously slipped away.

Claudia Krizay

Thought Broadcasting

Silence is a silver ship
Traveling at the speed of the darkness,
Black holes are the edifices in which I
Build my thoughts-
Word by word,
Each and every syllable forms upon my lips,
And then broadcasted, aloud-
Thoughts are killers- thoughts can harm-
My thoughts can be heard from afar.
Within this room I write my thoughts
With a pen that is void of ink, or a pencil
That has no lead,
Invisible they are, but somehow,
These thoughts are broadcasted aloud.
Thoughts are killers thoughts control-
My thoughts can be heard from afar.
A silver ship with its sail to the wind,
A wild horse that canters across vast terrain, or
Pebbles that roll off of my fingertips,
That splash into the creek, one by one,
You can see, you can hear, as
My thoughts, broadcasted aloud.
My thoughts can be heard from afar.
My thoughts are a flame that only I can quench.
I am in control of what comes into my mind,
As my hands build the world from
The bricks of Time,
My thoughts control the world.
My thinking destroys those, whom I abhor,
My thoughts control the downtrodden.
Silence is a silver ship, or
The dome beneath which I dwell-
I build my edifice beneath this dome.
No one dares to enter, as
I have broadcasted a message to the world,
My eyes order the world away;
My thoughts are broadcasted aloud,
A bad thought can destroy, as good ones
Create and control,
My thoughts control the world…

Claudia Krizay

Suicide Watch

Yesterday I read your words Inscribed across yellow lined paper-
On a warm spring day you had planned your funeral-
I know you are alive right now alone here in your bedroom
A breeze would gently rock the branches on the trees outside-
I would peer outside the window-
Daffodils are dancing amongst the freshly grown grass,
Dew kissed roses are coming alive. I would yearn to be outside
Walking happily welcoming spring- Once both of our favorite times of year
When the world was awakening from a long winter’s nap-
I cannot leave you alone.
Sitting still on the blue velvet wing chair I watch you- you do not move.
Oh how still you lie, although with eyes wide open
Tear-filled, staring into space,
I hardly know now where I belong in this world myself-
Words inscribed across yellow lined paper-Were plans to end your life-
Your death sentence drowning in a deep depression-
The sun shines brightly on a spring day
But I know you are blind to the light.
I would yearn for you to be the mother you used to be-
As I sit still witnessing your emotional death.
I am not allowed to leave you alone-
As I watch you slowly deteriorate-
Words I have read inscribed on yellow lined paper,
Watching your tears fall as you lie motionless-
Are fate’s way of telling me if I were to step out of the door to this room-
You would take your life- and I would be to blame.
Our lives have both had its peaks and its craters-
I hardly know what life means anymore-
My flagging grasp upon reality and the loss of your will to live
Have left our futures in the bleakness of despair-
I write my own words on a torn sheet of yellow lined paper-
Begging for you to come back to me- words you may never see-
In my own way I am leaving this world to a place in the realm of my fantasies-
It is the only way I can escape seeing you in such a wretched state.
Now I can feel my own tears streaming down my cheeks as I cry “Come back to me”
In a moment of anger I throw away the letter you wrote on yellow lined paper-
Outside it is the most beautiful time of year but the darkness inside of
Your heart soul and spirit has formed a black cloud overshadowing the light-
And the sun may never rise in your world again- wherever that world may be.

Claudia Krizay

ECT

In this moment I feel as if I am falling,
Into a prison from nowhere,
I see my shadow arabesque as
I watch my reflection appear
In a river of never abating madness-
Hiding from all that is real,
Moments have passed since I lay upon
A cold metal table,
Drifting off to sleep, and
Upon awakening-
I remember nothing, except for
The sensation of falling
From nowhere into nothingness-
As I watch the sun rising,
Outside of a picture window,
I find myself alive in some different place in time.
I feel my heart pounding
As is it were trying to escape
From a prison of iron bars inside of my chest, as
My brain spins about
As it were riding a horse on a merry-go –round,
It’s motor somehow
Rapidly accelerating
As that horse bobs up and down
Exacerbating my fear-
I hear myself screaming
In the midst of deadly silence-
The sun has now risen high over the mountains outside.
Within my utmost fantasies,
I am climbing my own mountain,
Hoping to reach the sky although
I cannot escape that merry-go-round of terror-
Except that I know now
I cannot hide from all that is real,
I shall never touch the sky and as
I find myself falling off of this make believe mountain-
I can see my shadow more clearly and
As I fall into a river of my fantasies,
I swim to the bank of this river from nowhere,
Leaving the madness behind-

Claudia Krizay