My Kite

The view of purplish branches upon the trees and
Looking beyond grassy mountains on the horizon
Bring back memories of my childhood days,
Wading in a nearby creek and flying my kite before a sunlit sky
And then recalling the wind beginning to blow.

Magenta leaves would decorate
Branches of both growing and fallen trees-
Wild geese soared above and deer were running freely
While my kite was carried upward by the wind
As highly as those trees would ever grow.

My kite I believed would carry that mysterious spirit deep inside of me
Into which I had placed all my faith and trust
The tail of my kite seemed to cross the sun, though far above me
I feared the demons’ of the woodlands following me as I walked-
But with strong assurance I pursued my kite wherever it would go.

Dark clouds began to cover the sun one day and
Branches upon the trees were seemingly blackening
While lightening sharply illuminated the sky
I believed a storm was rapidly approaching.
As fright and haunting disbelief inside of my mind began to overshadow.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     .
I have told others that my kite held within my protective soul which was always with me
Because I saw it to be an angel dancing freely in the sky
I believe my kite held inside the spirit of a seraph,
That saved me from all that betrayed and hurt me
As the voices inside of my mind had often told me so.

Years have passed and that wind was always fierce and deceitful-
Breaking the string with which I held my kite-
I sadly watched it as it flew higher and higher towards the sky
Until it disappeared behind those approaching darkening thunderclouds
Vanishing beyond my sight- leaving me frightened and alone below.

Years have also passed since I lost my kite which I believed was my guiding illumination
People would laugh and say my mind had escaped reality
Now I can see that there is no one to save me from those demons of this planet
I still hide the pain of loss of my spirit of salvation behind laughter and a smile
But that does not erase the void I feel inside and that is an unrelenting sorrow.

Claudia Krizay

Green is the eye of Venus, though now tightly shut.
Ancient music drums,
Trees viridian-hued.

The night has settled, dark as fear.
I rode a stallion-
Jet-black he was,
Against an array of foliage,
Emerald green,
Into the dead of night,
He rode.

Sleeping, I am?
Or am I living within some land of the surreal?

Lost within a valley,
I lie amongst tall reeds.
Water showers down upon me.

Skies turn mauve, purplish-
No calm before this storm.
Struck by lightening,
Branches are fallen by the wind.

Upon awakening,
As day breaks,
The ancient music’s melody is arrested.
A sibilant voice whispers to me:
“Sleep amongst the dead,
And depart from the living.”

As I nonchalantly gaze at the rising sun,
I wave “goodbye” to Venus,
And as she falls behind the horizon,
She waves back at me, and winks at me,
While ancient music begins drumming again…

Claudia Krizay

Seclusion

Tonight is a dark night
Here within the garden of the deceased-
In this place where wounded spirits who have lost their sanity
Are banned from the world outside,
Here in this desolate place where nobody sees the light of day.
I am alone where the walls are barren and
The floors have yellowed-
***** stained and tiles are cracked-
I stare at the ceiling through a curtain of tears falling from bloodshot eyes-
Moribund, I cannot escape past memories of merciless abuse which are colliding with
Recollections of profound neglect buried in the depths of a graveyard of despair-
As in a scene from a tragic film, I have become the infamous star,
I hear the wall clock outside steadily ticking
Rhythmically in time with hellions screaming from inside the fortress of my mind-
My emaciated body is robed in a sallow gown and
I can feel serpents twisted about my calves constricting.
This is a dark night-
This is a dark night where I have lost my grasp on veracity-
This is a dark night where I have been separated from the outside world-
This is the garden of the deceased, where
Phantasmal gravestones surround my dissolving soul-
My mind is in a wretched state and my thoughts are bellowing lunacy-
My cries for help have been silenced.
My worm infested brain is decaying-
I can only hear above the screaming stillness
The ticking of the wall clock outside, and
Threatening voices emanating from inside of my mind-
Putrid scents of rotting corpses infiltrate this cell and
I vociferate madness as the dirges that echo about my mind attempt to deafen me-
Neither moonlight nor sunlight can penetrate this windowless chamber-
Within this garden of the deceased where my spirit has just perished-
This is a dark night and I have been banned from the world outside-
In a desperate search for relief my outstretched arms attempt
To reach towards heaven as I can feel
My dissolving spirit sinking through the cracks in the decrepit linoleum tiles below-
I believe I can hear angels singing ‘Abide with me’ mourning the death of my soul-
The wall clock outside ticks on and on as I have lost my battle with fate-
I have become a lone cadaver buried here in the garden of the deceased-
This is a dark night where time has unobtrusively slipped away.

Claudia Krizay

Starlight

The keys I once carried inside of my pocket
Got lost when I was walking
Towards that world everybody talks about, that is,
The world everybody lives in.

Looking upward towards the sky-
I could see many other’s shadows-alive, and
Contrasting with the clarity of the horizon.

Rainbows, sunlight and moonlight-
And the trillions of stars above
Would sometimes enlighten their universe,
While my own shadow was lost someplace
In a graveyard at the foot of the mountains-

Oh, to capture a ray of sunlight- or to grasp
Even the moonlight or that never abating starlight
Would be my fondest dream.
I would wish upon one of those stars
To grant me a life to live, if not only some peace of mind-

However the keys that would unlock the door
To the world that everyone speaks of- oh, so vast and endless-
May have been lost in my own shadows of despair.

As I wish upon that magical star-
I can close my eyes and fantasize
That someday my spirit shall pass and
I shall awaken from the lifelong nightmare through which I had lived-

I would find myself reborn amidst that brilliant and mystical star
Very much alive, far from atop those mountains scraping the sky.
I would realize that the world so many people open their eyes to every single day
Just to view some sunlight is often overshadowed by clouds, bleakness and misfortune.

While being part of a constellation of stars-
Even when my eyes are closed, there shall always
Be light shining through any dense fog that may surround me
I could find a very special key towards a fortune of my own,
Where I would be alone with nothing to fear- as I have found the kingdom of my dreams.

Claudia Krizay

Shades of Blue (For Emma, my beloved cat)

Windows are open just a crack and
The ceiling lights are on- I feel that the walls are closing in on me.
All I can see is darkness
Until I look into your eyes, as they rescue me from my madness.

Your eyes, when open, are blue as the ocean reflecting the sunlight and
I touch you gently, you do not move-You are asleep, curled up by my side-
For the first time in my life I feel loved and not afraid-

Blue is the color of the sky on a summer’s day,
Blue is the color of the walls that surround me
The color blue caresses me,
When I am lost in the bleak darkness of despair-

I am locked inside a world of my own-
Where veracity rarely enters- my angry thoughts contain me-
People have robbed me of my guiding light
I wonder where to my reality has vanished- as
My spirit has been snatched away-

I paint my world shades of blue, I can feel the ocean waves come over me
Colored a deep blue reflecting the sunlight they have cleansed my soul of pain.
I opened my door just for a brief moment to let you enter-
You are the only reality I can accept right now-

Lying close to me- as always,
So tiny the day I brought you home- my very essence was
Standing upon the edge of death, but I was comforted by your gentleness,
And by your unconditional love.

I can say I love you, you are not human.
I could hold you in my arms – you are not a threat to me.
Your eyes so blue shine light upon my dark world.
But I know you shall pass away before me.

I have opened more to you than the door to my world,
I have opened my heart to let you in-
Some say you would never comprehend my thoughts, as
You do not hear me crying.

But I would never believe those words- because
Your presence has given me hope-
When you open your eyes and look lovingly into mine-
I know I have been saved- I had lost myself when I was born.
When you came into my life I could feel your softness comforting me-
I know our time together shall end in less than awhile and sadly
That was meant to be.

Life is bittersweet-
A different shade of blue-the blueness of sorrow- However
The reason I am alive today is because, you, my dear friend are also alive, and as always,
Taking my tears away, and then giving me the strength to persevere.

Claudia Krizay

Aftershock

Today may be a day not to forget- although
In this moment, I don’t recall yesterday-
So many years have passed-
I was a different person then-
As I gaze out the window at the mountains
By the reservoir, casting their reflections-
Yesterday begins to suddenly return.
I recall lying still upon a metal table as
My thoughts were quickly fading
My spirit seemed to be drifting away toward some other realm.
Yesterday I was consumed by fear,
Running away from the world surrounding-I can now discern veracity and
I can now recall those years that have passed-
The changing of the seasons,
Days transforming to nights,
The crescent moon decorating the horizon as
I would wish upon a star for a glimmer of sunlight, and
For pink clouds that would never rain-
As in a summer storm my tears would fall like hail-
I lived in a different world.
Now spring rain is falling,
But there is a beauty in spring rain-so mystical and cleansing-
The raindrops that fall are truly real and
The reflections of those mountains seem not so far removed-
A feeling of renewal is passing over me.
In my mind, I am picking daffodils and roses, and I know that
This is a fantasy that can become reality-
Today is the day that I was brought back to earth
To see this planet in a different light – one with clear pathways
Upon which to run, destinations enlightened by faith and
A door is opening with a warm welcome for me alone-
I begin to smile as I proudly step over the threshold of that door.  
I believe that rain helps spring flowers to grow and flourish, and
It clears the air that I breathe- I can see my own extraordinary sunlight now,
That sunlight that shines upon my own special horizon and
That sunlight that has given me another chance at life-
As long as I am walking down this road paved with hope just for me –
I shall always have that star I wished upon to illuminate the sky and to guide me-  

Claudia Krizay

Revelation

It wasn’t the sunlight at dawn
That helped me find the world-
That world which captured my dreams, that is, and
That world trapped inside of my heart.

It wasn’t the stars in the midnight sky or
The full moon rising above the mountains-–
Those mountains, although as scenic and
As mesmerizing as they could be-

I remember the day I had lost faith in myself and then
That day I found that special rainbow-
Its contrasting colors I could feel summoning me,
Then welcoming me into a different place in time,

Sunsets can appear to be extraordinary, as
Can be the moon in all of its fullness-
But it was the forceful colors of that special rainbow
That unlocked the door to my mind-

Now I can say all of my tears have vanished
Since that magical rainbow appeared, dried my tears, and then
Mysteriously made my heart come alive-

I had never believed in miracles although in these special moments
I am finding myself rejoicing as I step over fallen trees and branches.
I look upward towards that colorful and cloudless sky-enlightened by the sun
So thankful that it helped me find that once lost spirit of life hidden inside of me,
Which after years of feeling a sense of worthlessness inside of my heart and soul,-
Has given my life a new meaning, and has become my eternal guiding light.

Claudia Krizay