i would write you a love poem if i could.
you deserve to know how much i think about you.
about us.
once i'm done cowering in the corner,
thinking too much about me and other people's opinion,
i think i might.
i hope it makes you smile.

with her, there was a racing heart.
when we were alone it was because of nerves
--the good kind.
that kind that built up to our first kiss.
the problem came with other eyes on us.
my hands would sweat out of fear.
my eyes constantly scanning the crowds
searching for someone i knew.
she was so proud and bright.
i was ashamed.
people would talk. i couldn't handle it.
they ruined everything,
they made me ruin everything.

she was the first one.
when i was confused and scared,
i just grabbed her hand
and she said it would be okay.
we spent that summer together.
i wish it was a proper romance.
i think about the lake a lot.
the trees weren't comfortable
and i hated the bugs,
but i loved being with her.
something changed that day,
and i ran away from it.
she was hurt and needed comfort.
i could never offer her support,
even later when other things arose.
i kept on failing and i don't think
she will ever forgive me.
i don't think i'll ever forgive myself.
i constantly feel like i'm going to lose her.
and i don't think i would survive that.
please be considerate enough
to at least say goodbye.

i will break you.
it's a necessary measure,
and i need you to cooperate.

next, i will break myself
by twisting into something
that i'm not meant to be.

we will heal.
this time will be different though.
it might actually work.

(it won't)

this isn't a battle that we're in,
but you've done a spectacular job
of destroying me.

i probably could have dealt with just you
but you dragged her into it as well.
that was what sealed my fate.

it's true, i tried to hurt you first.
it was a futile effort to make you leave me.
i think i just fueled your spirit.

my move was like aiming to fire.
it was a threat, and i hoped you would buy it.
you were the one to shoot first.

i'm too exhausted for a war.
i want to be done with you.
this is me raising the white flag.

you've won.