We're happy and we're sitting in our socks and underwear
And the light from a flickering television screen is casting our laughing shadows onto the wall
And i'm smiling because we're suddenly children again with bowls of cereal
And we are throwing it into each others' mouths, missing more than we are making
And on the television a comedian is telling jokes
And we are having giggling fits because i snort when i laugh and you keep making faces at me
And we are suddenly dead faced, staring at each other and we somehow know we will hurt someday
And we will leave a scar somewhere on the other because love that kind doesn't always have to be kind forever
And i am hoping that you hurt me instead of me hurting you
And suddenly we're not saying goodnight anymore
And the nights spent in our socks and underwear, in our jeans and sweatshirts, in our coats and mittens, in our t-shirts and shorts are the scars that we left
And i still am sitting here hoping that i do not harm you
And you are sitting across from me hoping that i do not harm you
because suddenly i am not laughing and i am not tracing your face with my eyes
And you pick up your pants and your shirt and your baseball cap
And you slip into them in front of the flickering television screen that makes our shadows look like they are dancing
And suddenly, *you leave

a friend, a smiling stranger, a dark corner waiting for the stars to come out

think about him all the time
obsess, mull, chew on
think about how he loved her more
about how he was never happy with you
about how he used you

see other people being happy
wish for the same feeling
know that you won't ever be that way
god never gave you the ability
long for that bliss

eat alone, sleep alone, be alone
loneliness was never optional
make it your home
your bed, your living room
make it your kitchen floor with cold tiles and ***** socks


think about him again
and again and again and again
think about him leaving
and think about him loving her instead
and think about his smile with the dimple on the left side

think about what it was like to be happy
and don't go back

Your lips were kissed by angels
And your sweet, sweet smile stole the breath from my lungs

Your hand was so soft, yet so unforgiving when it wrapped itself around my neck
You choked the love out of me, strangled the words from my mouth

And I stood there while you did so

The mortuary stopped accepting bodies when it saw what you did to my heart
The coroner no longer wished to see how love could destroy anything

From the smallest, softest, most delicate petal of a flower

To a foolish heart with no more room to do anything but bleed

Stop making my head ache
And my bones quake

The sun hasn't shone in weeks
Because of the shadow you're casting

Sometimes I think that I see you out of the corner of my eye
But I realize I am mistaken because when you left this time

You  took your coat with you

My dearest,
   Some things end too soon, while others continue on without reason or sense. We were somehow both, yet neither, at the same time. And I'm not sure how that can be, it just simply is.
   I loved you. Truly and deeply and so, so beautifully. The sky was never bluer than when I was with you. The wind never warmer. And the world never more tolerable, than when I was looking at you. Seeing you, was like taking that first breath after diving to the bottom of the pool. It felt so refreshing and comforting, because once you've held your breath for so long coming up is like seeing things brighter than before.
   I think that the concept of love is sometimes a bit misconstrued. We see it as the ultimate goal, the one thing that a person needs to feel before their life is over. We see it as something either hot and heavy, tension and want at all times. Physical attraction. Or we see it as this pure and lovely sort of love, the kind where there is never an unhappy and bitter moment, where the sun always peeks its smile around corners to illuminate it.
   But rarely do I hear anything on the love we had. Ours was again, both. It was full of the hot and heavy, the late nights and the lazy afternoons spent together. It was also the warm and hazy kind, with the innocent morning coffees and the evenings with blankets around our shoulders and heads resting on chests. It was arguments and disagreements. It was bittersweet goodbyes and hesitant good mornings afterwards. It was feelings and thoughts and memories and it was so, so much.
   It was also you moving on while I stayed behind. It was you standing up and me sitting down. It was you discovering more and me losing everything and you still loving and me also still loving. But the wrong person. You.
   And sure, your sky is now bluer and your winds have turned into gentle breezes, but the clouds have started rolling over that gently smiling sun of mine and the gusts of friendly wind don't stir up the butterflies in the pits of my stomach anymore. How can love be this when it was so much more?
   I guess that what I'm trying to say is that love is never one thing. It is never just love. It is also gladness and regret and happiness and sorrow and it is building and destroying. And love isn't kind, but my god, it's so addicting.
   You've stopped being what I wish on stars for, but you haven't stopped being someone I care for. Not yet.
          Claire

It's strange how
A 30 year smoking habit can be broken in a few months
But an 8 month habit of loving someone
Takes forever to unlearn