I'm the happiest I've been in so long
It feels like a weight has been lifted
From my heavy shoulders
And I have a friend I didn't have before
With eyes like the sun
And a smile like the moon
Makes my heart stop
And my mouth go dry like nobody
Has before
Gentle hands are what made me fall
Into infatuation
He laughed before I saw him
And called me beautiful
Before I had met him
His mouth had spun those words into gold
Purely gold
His lips created words into masterpieces
He knows smooth
And already I am under the spells he has
Woven around my feeble frame.
God, I'm yours.

Oh God
He likes me
Oh Lord
He likes me
I think I like him
I know I like him
First date gone by
Winter formal dance
The words coming from his mouth next
"Looking forward to the next date."
Had my stomach tied in knots
Climbing out of his Mercedes Benz
With the broken radio
And the heat on full blast
A smirk
A smile
A raised eyebrow
A nod of the head
A kiss?
Too soon, perhaps
He a junior, me a sophomore
We could go places
The mall
Photo booth Polaroids
Strung about my room
Shared laughs
Long nights
Tired eyes
Upraised mouths
A relationship?
Maybe
A friend?
Definitely.

There were nights long ago
That the flowers fell asleep with me
And the moon sung a lullaby
That rained silver dollars
On our heads
A few years later
Something came over me
I got ready to go to bed
And I crawled between the covers
Smiling like a fool
But once the lights turned off
I had anxiety attacks all night
Until I miraculously fell asleep
Then quite a few years after that
A couple hours before my head hit the pillow
My lungs would tighten
And my heart would constrict
Around my broken feelings
Because I was afraid of seeing you
Mingling with my dreams
I would breath heavy
Under the shower water
And choke on the mint of my toothpaste
Until I had to suffocate
In my pillow
Muffled gasps masked by sweat
And fear
Just last night
I had a dream about you
It was vivid as daylight
Crisp as snow
We were lovers again
Except I got revenge on you
And made you miss what you
Could only have once
And the attacks are getting progressively worse
I find myself sitting in classes
With an expressionless face
Dead eyes and a posture to match
I hope you can see me
But forget about me when I die
And buried in the cold earth
With the flowers asleep with me
And the moon crying silver dollars
On our heads

I know I stare at you like a *****
I can't help it
I know I lose my smile when I see you
It's automatic
I know I distance myself from your presence
Reactionary
I know you hate me
It's understandable
I know I dislike you
It's obvious
I know I'm done with you
A long time ago

We pressed so close
That our hearts touched

As I am driving through this nameless countryside there are a hundred red lights blinking on the hillsides as far as the eye can see.
And I think to myself, "Oh, the resemblance to life those fleeting lights hold. They are there and gone so quick."
And as I sit in this car listening to blurred together songs I feel so small, so insignificant.
And I realize how I wish to be the dark lights that don't blink at all.
I think I already am.
The ridges on my skin are only as high as a Catholic, my feelings as deep as a hurricanes stormy seas and my expression as blank as a white sheet of paper.
It states something, a blank paper, I think.
It shows that no thoughts are better because you can insert whatever you would like me to imagine right there in my expressionless eyes.
But with you I believe I felt something, a glimmer of love maybe?
But you didn't see even a sparkle.
Who is going to love you now?
Who is going to hold you and pick up broken pieces?
Not me.
I can guarantee that.