For the first time, last night
I literally cried all my tears out
It felt good to feel the pain
Of the shivering emanating from
My heart
I couldn't keep my eyes closed tight enough
And my jaw wouldn't unclench
From its lock around my tongue
And when I sobbed
It shook my entire being
And rattled my teeth
And echoed in the covers
My legs curled into my chest
Trying to hold my bleeding heart in
I couldn't grab it though
I tried tearing it out
Clawing at my sternum until red
Rakes lined the flesh
I fell asleep somewhere around 1 A.M.
And today I can hardly keep my eyes open
I think I have already fallen asleep
In one class
But things are blurring together
And I'm not complaining because
It feels too **** good to be
Oblivious

His hair was dark as pitch, night dripping from the ends of the long strands. His eyes were bluer than that of the sky, clearer than the ocean and more crystal than a diamond underwater. His lips, full and ever-smiling, crooked and wicked. Pale rose with teeth white in between and a tongue that teased with a simple flick over his lips. The line of his jaw was strong, the angles of his cheekbones and nose chiseled fine enough to cut. He had the face that you would want to see last before you died, or fell asleep so that the imprint was left behind your eyelids. His hands were slender, long fingers tapered to slim tips that could caress you into dreams deeper than that of the universe. His wrists were small but not so much that you could break them, and they grew into wiry muscled arms, strong enough to embrace you and lull you to love. His chest, wider than his hips which were slim, the kind that jeans hung onto and slid off of. His waist was trim, and his abdomen carried a lank pack of abs. His legs, lean and long drifted over the ground when he ran to talk to you with his smile all off center.
He moved like a gazelle, graceful like the wind that whipped a flag into a frenzy. He could hurdle in track like he hurdled my heart, just barely but enough to skim it with the toe of his left foot. He caught me between the tread of his hand and the material of his skin.
He listened to me as intently as a rabbit listening for a fox, but with much more movement than an ear twitch. He cried with me, laughed with me, sighed with me. He huddled me between the wall and his chest and stilled my shivers caused by the monsters under my skin and the closets in my mind. And he loved me enough to make me whole again, squeeze me back together with the glue of his adoration. I fixed him, too, fitting him into place among my missing puzzle pieces that I had lost long ago. Never did I know that more than one person fit my edges.
And he isn’t real yet. But I feel as if he will come along, meet my eyes, match my timid smile with a full blown grin and grab my heart in both of his cupped palms.

I'm paint on a sun bathed wall
Fading with the dust that coats there
I am the wind that howls like it misses somebody
I'm lonely too, just like it
I'm drying hay bundled in a field
Withering with the heat of the summer
And I am old blood painted on a porcelain ledge
Chipping off with each bath taken

Every song
Every lyric
Every word
Reminds me of you
And of our time
Lying together beneath the stars
Under the hovering clouds
In front of the low hanging sun
Listening to the same music
I am hearing now
And I find myself willingly
Turning it on
Turing it up
Then turning it off
You see
I miss laughing at the feeling
It gave us
And the chills
It saved us
You see
I'm two steps from hell my dear
And this music
Isn't making it any better

It is only 11:45 at night but it already feels like 2 in the morning.
A black and featurless night that washes away rational fears and
Replaces them with monsters more real than can be imagined.
I have so much to say to you, so much to tell you and show you.
But alas I cannot because understanding would be futile.
You see, my love, (if I can still call you that)
I still want you, still love you I suppose.
I am lost, adrift amid a sea of black impenetrable and so very vast.
I am unable to say that I am okay, but I am not in a desolate state of utter misery either,
I sometimes seem to trick myself into thinking so.
You see, I miss you at 5 in the early dawn when everything slumbers on the very edges of consciousness,
When the birds wake and coo to their partners.
I miss you in the depths of the night, 12 o'clock and desperate for company.
And I miss you at 3 in the afternoon when the kids get out of school
And the world rushes by in a blur from a grimy school bus window.
But, it is not really the mental connection that I crave.
It was more your body, your hands, your lips exploring parts of my body that have not yet been explored.
I am aware that I could trick many other willing guys into playing with me,
Dancing their lush tongues against already blemished skin,
But I can only imagine you holding me in the wails of my agonizing pleasure, the moans of my miserable release.
I can only see your hands caressing my hips and your back ridged beneath my exploring fingertips.
And I can definitely imagine other, more  pleasant men, guys,
That could satisfy my burning desire for a certain closeness.
Do you feel the same?
I looked at your Tumblr the other day.
It has grown wasted.
The margins of your pages have been filled with sorrow.
Am I the cause of this?
One post caught my eye.
It was a wall scribbled with words jumbled and tangles like my thoughts, and probably yours as well.
It read something I almost couldn't bear to read.
It must have expressed your feeling well, for I had seen it before, but never thought anything of it.
It said that you wished I would bleed, that I would become miserable at best.
Can't say I'm not already there.
It said you were a friends of the devils.
Is that really true?
And it said that you were too nice a person to do these things it said.
I didn't really believe it.
Above it a screen had a few words stated simply in a piercing blue.
"I wish I could you hate you but I can't bring myself to."
I guess I feel the same.
In the end, I am a broken person and you are one who fixes, a savior of wasted toys.
Was that all I was to you?
A project that needed fixing?
I didn't end up quite like how you wanted me to, I was too broken and missing too many parts you couldn't find.
It isn't shocking, that you gave up on me, I mean.
I am quite easy to abandon, you could say that yourself.
But I don't miss it like I thought I would.
No.
I kept trying to convince myself to run back to you, to beg mercy,
To stick your hammer back in your hand and lay myself bare on your worktable.
But I couldn't bring myself to ask forgiveness to what I had done.
My mind wasn't functioning enough for that.
And so now I sit here in the dark of my basement, my dog lying here beside me and snoring in a blissful sleep,
His chest rising and falling like machinery.
My veins are popping up from my hands and my fingers hurt from the non-stop typing I have been doing.
And I can only stare in fascination at the webbing of blue that coats my right hand,
The shadow it casts from the pale of my computer screen.
Did you know I haven't been eating as much lately?
I'm actually losing weight now, slowly but surely, just like I promised you.
But you can't see the end result when I will be pretty,
You won't see me spread eagle beneath you on a pillow top bed like we dreamed together.
Some other person will.
And I feel bad for you, dumping me in the black bottomless pit that is the single life, because I could be gold on the inside, it just takes some panning to see it.

You know, I seem to have forgotten the look of your eyes
When they laugh
Or are happy
I can see now that you didn't laugh much in the last few weeks
You know what was coming
And I guess deep down so did I
Things didn't go like I thought they would
I remember whispering
forever
Under my breath
A halfway there
Promise
But now we are hardly considered friends
How did things become this way
Why did they have to end this way
I didn't think I'd done anything wrong
Things just didn't.....work out
And I feel as if you hate me
I look at your blog everyday
Did you know that?
There was one that hurt me
It was graffitied on the wall of a concrete building
And I make you
sick
According to those words
And you hope I bleed
I guess I already am

Slowly
But not surely
Am I gaining feeling
In my broken mind
Again