kiss a girl
with cigarettes on her breath
to know how it tastes
to be thrown away

kiss a boy
soaked in whiskey
to know the taste
of regret

when i think about you
i think about being so close
that our heartbeats are touching

i think about laying in your
dark blue bed sheets
cologned in your honey breath
wanting you to rip me open
and fall in love with my organs

i remember all i want for christmas
is for you to let me be
in the same room as you
and how when you cracked your neck
it sounded like a question

i think of how you left before your
scent could soak into my pillowcases
and i think about hating you for that

then i think about you, starved skinny
and her fishnets getting caught on
everything and you loving it

and i think of the violin in the next room
that sounded like "**** me **** me **** me"
and telling you that being held
does not make you a prisoner

and i think about the ambien hearted girl
and you shaking her to wake her up
while i'm jealous of the dying/dead

still am

1) be more honest with others about how i feel. i have no reason to waste my time trying not to "hurt your feelings" if i need to call you out for problematic behavior.
2) be more assertive. i've spent way too much time biting my tongue. it's time to get what you want.
3) learn to say no. i am not obligated to do anything that would harm me physically, mentally, or emotionally under any circumstances.
4) get out more. spend less time in bed. don't turn down people that want to hang out and don't cancel plans just because you're depressed and fatigued. you're always pleased with the outcome of pushing yourself to get out there. remember that, but also know your limits.
5) don't act so vulnerable. smile less. speak louder. express anger when needed.
6) think with my brain, not my heart. do what i need to do. think clearly now, write about my feelings later.

earlier tonight, i walked across a busy street
with my hands in my pockets and my eyes closed
in such a desperate need to once again,
feel the weight of your body on top of mine.
about two or three different car horns
pierced through the atmosphere,
but i paid no attention to it.

it all just sounded like God laughing.

thinking of you
kept me up again
and i may be
dreaming myself
through
existence,

but when you
live in my brain
but don't sleep
in my arms,
i finally
understand
distance.

here i am

gripping my pen
tight enough to
turn my knuckles
white

while trying
to write about
letting go