the days of the week
named after phases of the moon
we made love on waning crescent
& slept in when it was new

january stole your breath again
now you're crouched in the corner, rocking back & forth
hoping she gives it back before the season ends

i fell in love with you sober.
you were drunk.
i saw you at your worst;
open and raw
and flayed to the bone,
and i loved you.
you were honest--
too honest
and rude at times,
but i appreciated that.
you knew how to
have a good time.

in a perfect world,
we'd spend mornings in bed,
tracing each others limbs
with just the very tips of
our fingers.
we'd eat tons of food together
and steal cigarettes
from the neighbor,
like we used to.
i'd laugh at you
and smile about your face
again.

i was 6 years old
and he told me that
i wouldn't dare tell my mother
about what happened
when she went to sleep

i never understood
why it's called "making love"
when all i ever wanted to do
was crawl into a deep dark pit
and erase my existence
from everyone's memories.

so the second time
my arms were held beside
my shaking body
as i whispered "stop"
into a boys mouth
with hate so heavily
coating his tongue
and teeth
it rubbed off into me
i didn't say a word
in the morning
because that's how i
was raised.

love is a foreign word
to the people like me
who didn't just
lose their virginity.
i threw mine into a well
and never looked back

sometimes,
i feel so empty
that i cut my own skin.
not to try to let anything out,
but to see if something will crawl in.

the first time we
touched, your
grandmother's
wedding china
trembled in its
cabinet

but i learned that
you compulsively
avoid punishment
by devouring the
nearest misses and
digesting them as
innocence.

yesterday
we got lost in the woods
(i thought we were going somewhere)
but you didn't kiss me back
and then you told me you liked me.
i don't know
what i'm supposed
to do with that.

last night
you threw me on your floor
and dug into my back
like you wanted to hold on.
then you walked me to my car
opened up the door
and said "drive safe,
call me when you get home."
you never answered and
you haven't texted me back
and i still don't know
what i'm supposed
to do with that.