this is depression
when you try to curl your legs so close to your chest that you can no longer hear yourself breathing
this is the moment when you either puke or pass out
i over think and regret every sudden movement i have ever made whether it brought me closer or farther to you.
folks, we're at the panic stage,
please keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times,
be careful,
hold tight,
and although i know i'm not responsible for the fight or flight feeling in my chest
i still feel like i could have prevented it by
******* pretending you meant everything you meant to me up until a year ago
six months ago
a week ago
****

this blood on my stomach makes it hard to go unnoticed

red splotches rising through the fabric of that shirt I borrowed from you and said I'd return but didn't

it smelled too much like you to let it go but now with these pools of embarrassment soaking in
I have a sinking feeling I'll have to wash you out of it
but maybe I'll get used to the absence of the stench of cheap alcohol and ****** cigarettes and maybe if I use enough bleach,
I'll never have to see you again

I just want to say what I *******
mean and feel what I ******* say,
no filters or metaphors no words
in disguise. I just want to *******,
whoever you may be.

i guess i thought that i could learn how to drink away this lump in my throat

movies always taught me that when i turned 18, i would start shedding my skin and breaking down my walls but i didn't have any walls to tear down.
so i tried my hardest at age 18 to build them up, with the only things i had - boxes of matches
left over from burning down so many bridges

all because of some pieces of twisted metal,
i had to reteach myself how to drive.
and now i'm always 5 under the speed limit
i stop at every stop sign
no matter how angry i get

no one ever told me whether or not boxes of matches float
or why my neighborhood always looked so dark
and made me curl up like a dead spider

so now i stick my head in the freezer,
so i can get used to the feeling of my thoughts being so cold

now i kiss people just so we don't have to talk.

i never have liked uppercase i's
i know it's absolutely stupid
but they always make me feel more important than others
like i'm always saying I, I, I.

see even that was weird
way too many eyes
so i spend half my days, proofreading my lines
to make sure that i'm exactly the same size
as everyone else

when i first met you it absolutely blew me away
to find someone else who lowers their eyes
i'm serious, it's amazing to find someone who wastes as much time as yourself
hitting backspace, and
cursing auto-correct for not allowing this behavior

but after a while i noticed you stopped with the i's
maybe it was around the time **** got weird
maybe it was a fad; or i have some absurd superstition
but it's cool
You always were the bigger person, anyway.

my hair's getting long, love
about as long as you would have liked
long enough to pull and squeeze
when we shared our kaleidoscopic bliss at night

people i haven't seen in a while
all have something to say
"hey man, i didn't know that was you!" they joked
last night as i set up my gear on stage

i'm glad you asked me to grow it, my fallen love
it's getting to the perfect length;
long enough to make me invisible
but long enough to give me strength

you see i always wanted to be a ninja
wear the ponytail of a samurai
i always thought it would just be cool
but last night i discovered why:

so i can be invisible to your love, my dear
like a ninja in the night
my hair will guide me right past you
without getting caught in the light

i'll slip right through your fingers
as my hair would slip through yours
using every new millimeter of every follicle
to remind me how long I can be strong for

the next time i see you, sweet dream
you won't even recognize me, i pray
i can only hope my heart won't be made of stone,

and just maybe

you'll be in the mood to talk to strangers that day

"I'll wait for you,"
when we were kids,
you had said.

But Jack's still comatose
and Jill is dead.

You never came.