I'm paranoid to say the least.
Mind occupied constantly with the nauseating, ****** up, but totally realistic thought that you'll stray.
Girls everywhere; stupid ugly girls popping out of everything, every mindless place you go. Every girl who was a friend before, back when I was a girls girl, is now an enemy.
The love, the "I love you"s, plagued with a painful truth.
You loved her.. And yet.
You love me.. And yet?
I'm waiting. That's all I'm doing; crippled nightly with the anxiety of whats to come.
Because I, I am not like her. And I, well I have not loved before.
And if it's true that the unloved, untouched, baby is the most helpless then so help me, I wont make it through.
And if the baby is already on the edge, floating off all the time anyway, causing rips and tears in the fragile then surely one thing might be enough, to ruin all of the unplanned plans, to break all of the already broken.
I'm breaking.
I'm ******* obsessed.
How do you undo a need that is growing day by day, how do you rewind it?
Nobody ever ******* told me. I was so excited I dove head first. Now I want out. Not totally. I just want out a bit, just a break for air, just this grip on my chest lifted. This tensing of my hands into a claw, it's not healthy.
I cannot accept that at some point, inevitably, without a ******* doubt; I will be hurt in the worst, most upsetting, most painful, demeaning way, that is so familiar to your good self.
And that's why I have already strayed from you.