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540 · Jul 2010
ruminations on you
Christine Jul 2010
You make my heart burn
But in the **** way, not the kind you get Tums for.
And I think about you a lot
And I think about why I think about you so much a lot too.
And I wonder what your favorite food is
Because someday I won't be a broke college kid and maybe
I could figure out to make an easy version of it for you.
You make my insides coil up like a Slinky when you look at me
Which is new for me and I think it's just because I like you a lot
But I like your effect on me a lot too.
I look at you too much and I hope you don't think it's weird
Because I just think that you're kind of fascinating
And I write about you too much and I hope you don't think I'm obsessive
Because I'm not.
You just hang out in my brain a lot.


Anyway
Write me back.
- From on love and other twisted things
540 · Jun 2010
relationships and existence
Christine Jun 2010
I am empty.
People can only prove they exist
By having relationships with others.
If no one knows who you are, then you aren't.
I called my lover.
We had nothing to say.
The phone felt fragile in my hands
But maybe it was just our words that made it feel so.
I called my mother
She rushed me off
Shallow words filling the scurried silence.

If my strongest relationship are this tenuous,
How can my existence not be?
540 · Jun 2010
morning remorse
Christine Jun 2010
Sleep always clears my head.
I wake up the next day
And realize
I do love him
Everything will work out.
Our happily ever after will be
As powerful as the amount of work we put in.
539 · Jul 2010
modern nature
Christine Jul 2010
I thought the Shell sign was the moon.
The music on the radio, the stars.
Both burn yellow, you know.
Both are beyond my comprehension.

The curves of the highway creates mountains
For me to scale and caress.
For me to climb with ease and freedom.

The world is my ocean
And you are my vessel.
Let me sail these seven seas.
Christine Jun 2010
Todd and Johnny
Had quite a time.
They went along merrily
No guilt for their crimes.

They maintained their lifestyle
Their corpses and love.
Johnny's puppet theater
Was a gift from above.

They stuffed all the bodies
And made marionettes.
Todd the producer
John taking bets.

For at the end of their song
The corpses all fought.
A fight to the death,
But a fight just to rot.

They lived long and happy
Raking in cash.
They paid off the suits
Not to look through their trash.

Todd loves Johnny
And Johnny loves Todd.
They're in TRUE LOVE
And the world will applaud.
535 · Jun 2010
on needs
Christine Jun 2010
sometimes it's really nice
to feel i matter
and to see that people sometimes notice me
occasionally even remember me
and maybe even want to see me again.
the alcohol helps, of course
but it still counts.

sometimes all i need
is a
really
good
night
532 · Jun 2010
it was you.
Christine Jun 2010
You wrote this
It says.
Written as a whisper.
You wrote this
It tells me.
It serves a reminder.
You wrote this. You did this. This is a product
Of your mind.
This is all yours.*

It is a sign to remind me
To be proud
To show myself respect
To be in awe
Of what can happen
When you let your insides out.
531 · May 2010
religion
Christine May 2010
To me
Christianity doesn't mean
Love and Jesus and kindness.
Christianity is
Having an excuse
To dress up once a week.
Christianity is
Not letting friends
Eat on the couch.
Christianity is
Group chanting every Sunday
With people who smell like death.
Christianity is
Depriving yourself of a lot of good music
And hoping that all this deprivation makes a difference.
I don't see why it would.
To me, Christianity is basing your life
Around a tiny beam of hope.
I need more basis than that.
530 · Jun 2010
silence is key
Christine Jun 2010
Silence is always the safest answer.
My dad used to get mad at me
For not participating in conversations.
I was just smart enough to know
That most of the time the response in my mind
Should not be voiced
In fear of judgement
Or anger
Or just plain discomfort.
It is a trait I have brought with me from childhood.

Often not responding is the best response of all.
530 · Jul 2010
shakies
Christine Jul 2010
Shaking limbs and rumbling stomachs
Poor vision and cold toes.
These are what I have to keep me through the night.
I know not where they came from
Or why they've come for me.
They are here
As an elite task force
Created to bring malaise and confusion to their victims.

I don't know why they came
And I don't know who I am
And I don't know anything.

Forgive me.
Christine May 2010
I used to dream of Greece.
I guess I still do.
It seemed like such a
Romanticized country.
I envisioned beautiful people
Floating through the streets
Hair curled from the sea
Skin rough from the sun.
Draped in soft fabric
With sexuality oozing through every pore.

I saw beauty
And nature
And freedom in one's skin.

Apparently there's a lot more to it than that.
Bombs tend to ruin it all.
Christine Aug 2010
I was thinking about you today.

Not because I missed you.
I don't think I've missed you once.

But it's almost time for school again
And you never got started unless I started it.
Or not willing, I guess.

I was remembering how proud I was of you, once.
Of who you were going to be.
Remember?
I hope you'll become someone you're proud of.

And I wanted to say I'm sorry I moved on so fast.
And I'm sorry I'm so much happier without you.
And I'm sorry I hurt you.
But I can't say any of that
Because it wouldn't be a good idea to talk to you.
And I don't really want to, either.
We never had much to say to each other.

But I hope you're okay
And I hope you're happier without me
And I hope you can find someone
Who can be the one you love to need.
525 · Jun 2010
space
Christine Jun 2010
In space, no one can hear you scream.
However, they can't hear you make that
Weird snort when you laugh, either.
I guess you gotta choose your priorities.
522 · Jul 2010
on how to treat a woman
Christine Jul 2010
He asks you
To lie down, naked on his bed
And when you try to cover yourself
To hide what you perceive as flaws
He prevents it.
He holds your hands
And looks in your eyes
And tells you
Exactly
What he's going to do.

He starts at your feet
(So he can end with your mind)
And travels up your flesh.
At each point, he kisses
And looks in your eyes
And tells you
Exactly
Why it's perfect.

At your most insecure
Your stomach, your hips, your *******
He takes the most time.
Your stomach is perfect; soft and warm.
Your hips are beautiful; he loves to watch them sway.
Your ******* are the most sensuous creation; he could live between your mounds.

He continues up your body
Tenderly tracing your curves with his mouth
With his fingers
With his eyes.
Trying to preserve your frame in his mind
To recreate when you leave
Because he never wants you to go.
And if all he can have is the memory of your body
He will remember it in perfection.

But he does not neglect your eyes, your heart, your mind.
Once he reaches them
He tells you that your eyes are the most beautiful stars
He has ever seen
And he would travel to Jupiter if it meant he could find their equal
But he knows he could never find better.
He says your heart holds the most rare liquid in the world
The blood of a goddess
For what goddess before you has been human?
He says your mind is the most confoundedly beautiful maze
He has ever traveled.
And he doesn't really want to ever solve it
Because the path is so wonderful.

As he finishes memorizing every last part of you
And every last part of your soul
He looks in your eyes
And tells you
Exactly
How much he loves you.
- From on love and other twisted things
522 · Jun 2010
insomnia
Christine Jun 2010
Two insomniacs stirring in the night.
Eventually, one gives in
To the temptation of a dream.
The other cannot do so.
She stirs in bed, changing positions by the minute.
Her head won't shut up,
Full of abstract phrases
And pretty words.
If only she could do the same
While being unconscious.
521 · Jun 2010
true love part 2: the body
Christine Jun 2010
"Since you took care of
That filthy mess
What should I do with the body?"

"Do as you like, but remember.
We are in a monogamous relationship
And a corpse is still a person."
521 · May 2010
over it
Christine May 2010
I need to get out of this funk.
I am consumed by thoughts of my own inadequacy
When really I'm just another
Slightly ****** up
Human.
We're all the same, basically.
So there's no reason for me to
Obsess
Over my idiosyncrasies.
We all have them.
So I am now over it
For the next thirty days.
If I get over it
Maybe
Since we're all the same
Everyone else will
And then the world will continue spinning
The sun will continue burning
And I will continue loving.
521 · Aug 2010
show with your language
Christine Aug 2010
Show me something new.
Or not even new, really.
Just show me something wonderful.
I promise I'm still interested.

Show me how your face looks
When you're thinking.
I can't handle that other face anymore.
You know the one.
You've been showing it a lot.

Show me what music looks like to you
And what meaning words have for you.
Show me your sun and your moon.
Show me something I haven't seen in a while.

If you don't want to, give me a chance.
I'll try to show you how music swirls in my head
And how words are made of both stone and water.
I'll show you that some days, you're my sun.
And other days my sun is explosive.
I'll tell you how the moon sings to me some nights
And other nights just lets me talk.

I'm not done talking to you.
I'm not done hearing.

I worry you feel the opposite.
521 · Aug 2010
come on over
Christine Aug 2010
Open, but empty.
Waiting, but without expectation.
Come get me.
Come find me.

Cone take me away
From what I am.
519 · May 2010
drinky
Christine May 2010
I wish I didn't make that face
When I swallow wine.
My face contorts.
Mouth goes sideways when brain goes upside down.
Everybody's smashing things up
And my brain-hole likes it.
517 · Jun 2010
temporary
Christine Jun 2010
Everything is far too
Temporary
To be important.

Jobs are passing.
School is passing.
People are passing.

The only reason anything is done
Is to help spend time
Until your time too passes.
516 · May 2010
two-way monologue
Christine May 2010
All right, you.
Time to focus.
Get down to business.
It's game time, and you're dropping the ball.
Just like always.
But this time it's almost important!
So focus.
Stop distracting yourself.
Put away the cell phone
And the facebook.
Hide The Onion
And block out what you don't need.
Pay attention.
You need to pay attention so you can succeed.
Be like the other kids
And actually try.
Put your nose in that book

Oh but wait.
He needs help!
I have to help him
And make him feel better!
It's self-sacrificing!
It's okay!

No.
FOCUS.
You need to go and do this.
Take care of this first.
He's important too
But first things first.
I'll talk to you about him later young lady.
Right now you need to stop with the typing
And learn.
For once, don't be pathetic.
Don't just let stuff fall into your lap.
Ever heard of making an effort?
If you fail, you will be
A disappointment to us all.
This is the only thing you're good at
We both know it.
So are you going to tell me
That the one thing you can do,
You won't?
Pathetic.
Sad.
You are a sorry excuse for a student.

But I always do fine!
I don't need it!
Trust me.
When's the last time I suffered from my lack of effort?
Oh, that?
That's one class.
One grade.
Ok, two.
It doesn't matter in the long run!

Doesn't matter?
Is that why you are making your parents
Those who birthed and raised you
Pay thirteen thousand bucks a year for it?
Because it doesn't matter?
You are a waste of money.
They should've had a child
Who appreciated the things
They worked so hard to give.
Doesn't matter my ***.
Just go.
I'm done with you.
You disgust me.
516 · May 2010
block it out
Christine May 2010
Thank God for music.
You scream until your voice gets hoarse
And yell until you run out of words
And now I think you're crying in the next bed.
The crying breaks my heart.
But when I finally get to put on my headphones
You leave
And I have a beautiful man
Singing in my ear.
This stuff doesn't really matter.
It'll all be ok.
515 · May 2010
waiting for sleep
Christine May 2010
I don't think I slept last night.
Listened to country
Hoping it would lull me to  sleep
Until two.
Took a pill at three.
Laid there

waiting

waiting

waiting

For hours.
I may have slept at some point.
Four or five in the morning?
All I know
Is when my alarm rang at ten a.m.
I was half awake already.

How can you tell if you've been unconscious?
511 · Jun 2010
exposure
Christine Jun 2010
She saw.
My world did not burst into flames
(the color of her hair, by the way)
My hair did not all fall out
(though i lost a significant amount in the shower)
My brain did not melt into lava.
All is still well
And I have not yet died.

I think that calls for a drink.
508 · May 2010
burn baby burn
Christine May 2010
You say you're gonna go burn the house down.
Good luck.
I know it's harder than it seems.
You love it
And what it holds.
You're just insane with hormones.
But that's okay, because so am I.

When you think about it, we're all insane with something.
Christine Sep 2010
The way you hold me in your sleep
The way you mumble through your snores
The way you always make fun of my noises
The way I can make fun of yours.

Your eyes, your lips, your smile, your touch.
Your hands and the arms that reach.
Your height, your sandals, your silly t-shirts.
How easy you are to teach.

The way you can always make me laugh
The way you don't make me embarrassed to cry
The way you make me feel like everything
The way you never lie.

Your thoughts and your mind and your heart and your soul
Your fantastic spaghetti dinners.
Your hair, your beard, your manly features
How you let me be the winner.

The way you make me hope for the future
(I hope you hope for it too.)
The way you allude to it, on occasion.
The way you refreshed me, anew.
- From on love and other twisted things
504 · Jul 2010
subject change
Christine Jul 2010
I don't want to write you any more praise.
No more verses about your lips
Pressed tight against my skin.
No words about how
Absolutely fascinated
I am by your mind.
And how I desire to know everything about you.
I want to write about something entirely different.
I don't like being so
Focused
On one person.

It would be easier if you would get out of my head.
Christine Aug 2010
It's amazing how a beer bottle can drown out everything else
And all you can understand is that you're pressing it too hard
And your lips are too soft to hold it.

The moon's on the wrong side of the sky tonight.
It's too big for me
Too blue.
Politics are too big for me too
So I'm glad you can hold the conversation.

I don't want to hear anymore
But my bottle's been recycled
And the only other thing that drowns it all out is your lips
And they're occupied.

I'm kind of glad they are
Because otherwise I'd voluntarily become deaf
And that can't be healthy.

The moon's on the wrong side tonight
So I'm glad you're with me.
501 · May 2010
it just comes in a flash
Christine May 2010
It's really sad that this won't last.
My creativity comes in spurts
And I'm not ready to let it go yet.
It's possible that obsessing about its exit will spur it on
But I can't help it.
I love the part of me that sees and feels and hears and understands
But it never stays.
I wrote a story once, with the help of a friend.
At the time it was beautiful, a tragic tale of love and lies and hope and hate.
Looking back all I see is stylized garbage, with the core of an interesting idea.
I hope that's not what these end up being.
I want my prose to be cherished and seen as a testament to my love of words
My love of ideas
My love of thoughts and brainwaves.
But I'm scared that that's not going to happen.
That's why I don't share it.
If only I see it as garbage in a year
It won't be as bad as if my whole life is aware of my failure.

I hope this is good.
I hope this is cherished.
I hope I am real.
Christine May 2010
Nothing came to me today.
No phrase, no
Juxtaposition of words
Sat my mind
And made me pay attention.
Today is the first day I am meant to be an adult.
Now I have bills
And checks
And balances.
Why did none of it seem important?
498 · Jun 2010
it's all my fault
Christine Jun 2010
You will soon find another girl.
One who is worthy of your affections
And who doesn't tempt fate at its every turn.
A better girl, a braver girl.
And I know I will have to let you go.
I won't be able to sit with your at two a.m.
And listen to music with you
And have real conversations, which are so rare in all the others.
I won't be able to feel your fingers trace patterns in my hair.
All of you touches will be hers
And all your words will be spoken to her.
I know this
And I don't know if I'll be able to handle it when it comes
But I do know that while I have you
I will feel every minute, minutely
And try to extend every second into eternity.
Please let me.
497 · May 2010
i miss you
Christine May 2010
I miss you.
It's dark and it's night
And you should be laying beside me.
We should be tossing and turning
Together.
I'm tired of being apart.
I'm tired of not being tired.
I want to be able to
Feel you behind me
Or to see you
And to put my head on your chest
And listen to music in the dark.
I miss you
And I can't wait til we're together again.
493 · May 2010
lost in translation
Christine May 2010
I think I'll shut it down.
It's nice
And simple
And classic
But it's not necessary anymore.
If I'm here,
I don't need to be there.
Yes?
And here, maybe
There might be some benefits
Whereas there I'm hiding by myself.
From myself?
Who knows.
Who cares.
492 · May 2010
differences
Christine May 2010
I am not deep like the rest of them.  
I have no style
No beautiful phrases
About love
And life
And chicken.
All I have are my surroundings
And how they make me feel.
I feel hungry.
I feel tired.
I feel not as good as you.
487 · Jun 2010
long term
Christine Jun 2010
I feel so restricted
But theoretically, I'm not.
I just want
crave
desire
A few months of freedom.
To experience something else
Before I settle down for life.
I just want to be able to see
A little bit
Of the world.
I want to see someone else's world.
485 · Jul 2010
solitary night
Christine Jul 2010
It seems strange to be alone
Here, without you.
Only with the dark night
And the bright screen of my computer
As companions.

My bed is far smaller than yours
But there's far too much room
Because you aren't here with me.

I shouldn't miss you like this.
I shouldn't care for you so much.

I never missed him.
When did I start missing you?
485 · Jul 2010
too much information II
Christine Jul 2010
I don't even have to specify
And you know what I mean
As if you read my mind.
You don't push me
But you don't fear me
And you are actually man, not boy.
You understand me
The way no one else ever has.

Just as importantly,
You want me to be happy
At the expense of your blue *****
Which I'm sure are quite prolific.
I've not been this wet in months
And you haven't even touched me.
Christine Jun 2010
"I'm so sorry.
I couldn't resist!
We were alone in the cellar...
Rigor mortis set in
And you know I like my men stiff."

"****** Johnny!
That was the one thing I asked you
Not to do.
I thought you were just
Going to add him to your puppet theater...
How can we come back from this?"
478 · Jul 2010
on the reasons for writing
Christine Jul 2010
Do I hope to get anything from this?
Besides a catharsis
Besides an outlet for my words.

Am I expecting something?

Maybe I secretly hope that someone will like it
And maybe show other people
And maybe I could have an effect one someone.

But surely I know that's improbable.

I guess I should not think about it
And just let my writing take care of me
And I will take care of her
And we will float on like the castaways we are.
476 · Jul 2010
dreams
Christine Jul 2010
I dreamed you left me at Christmas.
Under snow and trees, you walked away.
You just didn't want me anymore.

I know it's false.
You've given me no reason to doubt
(Though I shouldn't be thinking that far ahead anyway.)
You have only been perfect.

I guess my subconscious is just still waiting.
(I wish my dreams didn't have a habit of becoming real.)
471 · May 2010
hiding in plain sight
Christine May 2010
I know you're here.
Maybe not right now
But you will be
Or you were.
Whatever.

Will you see me?
Can you tell?

Come see me
Let me know you remember
Let me know I don't ****.
I know I'm not
All you love
But come one.
Just do it.
471 · May 2010
stop it
Christine May 2010
Just leave me alone.
Please.
I know you think you're being sweet
And you miss me
And you blah blah blah.
But please.
There's nothing to say and I hate forcing it.
We are fine.
I just want to read
And sleep
And be alone.
It's not hormonal.
It's just me.
470 · Jul 2010
to a friend
Christine Jul 2010
You might be coming back.
Back to Texas
Back to the few connections you have in this world.
Back to me.

I haven't seen you in a year
But nothing's changed.
We have a strange (and beautiful) relationship.

You are my best friend.
No one else has ever come close
To knowing me like you do
And being as fantastic as you are.
You are what I've wished I could be, sometimes
And you are the only one I have always
Been able to believe in
To count on.
(Though you are far too ethereal for solid plans).

You are a wanderer
A traveler, a barely-there reality.
You are blue hair and ****** piercings
Ska and gin and legs that go for years.
I wouldn't be able to count the miles.

I don't keep people.
I don't plan to remember them
Or even believe I will, most of the time.
But I always remember you
And I will always keep you
No matter how far you go.
468 · Jul 2010
the trouble with writing
Christine Jul 2010
All of my works are "in progress".
None of my words come out right.
My phrases are static, my endings not dramatic.
I need you to turn on my light.

It seems I only know sorrow.
Negative feelings at best.
I've not learned to write what's not said in a fight
But I don't want to give it a rest.

They say an artist must suffer.
Can only make with the pain that she feels.
But you give me no pain; I laugh in the rain.
I want you for all of my meals.

So I guess I will just have to work
And figure out how to write love.
So my words are in progress, my ends have no success
But there's nothing I'd rather write of.
468 · May 2010
excuses part two
Christine May 2010
I haven't written in three days.
I've been so exhausted
My body has been in
A constant state of achy misery
My mind a never-ending buzz
Of things I must get done.

Too many things.

I could get them  done
If my body's ache
Would
Just
Stop.
467 · Jul 2010
restless nights
Christine Jul 2010
The blanket's too warm.
The water's too sweet.
I feel too empty.

My dreams are empty, too
But nevertheless, filled with something I don't like.

I don't understand my psyche.
I don't know where this stuff comes from.

I just wish it would leave
So I can be happy.
466 · Jun 2010
on helplessness and worth
Christine Jun 2010
I cannot do enough for you, my love.
Or if I can, teach me how!
I know not how to calm the fires they light
Or how to cleanse your mind of their unjust words.
I desire, I CRAVE
To bring you happiness, and protect your soul.
I was never taught how to cure this malaise.
You are so kind, so sweet, so selfless
And the world only exploits your soft heart.
You are my opposite, and I am brought to you like a magnet
But science does not bring me the answer to this problem.
They are cruel to you, they do not respect you.
They don't understand your ways or your dreams.
You deserve a far better life than you have been given
And I desperately hope that one day
I can give you the care that is worthy of you.
466 · Jun 2010
forced silence
Christine Jun 2010
The words are trapped inside my mouth.
The liquid muzzle
Put there by *** and uncomfortable situations
Locks my jaw
Shut
For hours.
I sit here
Always on the brink of words
But they never come out.

I hope one day they will.
465 · Aug 2010
waiting
Christine Aug 2010
i
don't
know
what to do.

i don't know
what you want me to do.

i just want some kind of sign.
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