i
don't
know
what to do.

i don't know
what you want me to do.

i just want some kind of sign.

Summer's coming.
Soon my life will consist of water and sun
With some work thrown in for good measure.
Hopefully it's better than those before it.
But this year I am more confident
This year I actually won't be alone.
If I play my cards right
I should be spending my days by the water
***** in one hand, book in the other
Headphones on.
That is how summer is meant to be.

My brain's going back to that dark place...
The corner filled with anger
About how he lives with his parents
And has no job
And claims to be more of an adult than I.
The corner where his extravagance
And lack of ambition make my soul boil.
The part where his religious beliefs fly in my face
And force me to look at how ridiculous they are.

The corner that I've tried so hard to stay out of.
I wish I could just erase it.

I'm well aware it should be over
(unless it's just the hormones talking).
I'm not the kind of person he really wants
Other than "white" and "female".
He's not the kind of person i really want
Other than "nice".
We just fell together
Two lonely teenagers in the dark.
But every time I imagine it
(Me ending it)
I just see his face when I tried last.
That crazed look
The breaking down
The begging
That slightly disturbing dependency.
There's no way I can do that again.
Right?

I can't hold that burden.

(Can I?)

I know what I should be writing about
But I can't.
Not yet.

I can't think about it.
I can't feel about.

I'm afraid of what will happen if I do.

I'm just glad you'll be there
When I have to.

Here mom.
I got you this gift.
I tried to think of what you need
What you could use
What you would want
And what would say the right thing.
I wanted it to say "I support you."
Or maybe "Good luck!"
But I know what you're going to hear.
"I'm mocking you"
"You're not good enough"
"I don't care about you".
I wish everyone would interpret life
As I do.

You don't have his eyes memorized.
You know they're green, sometimes
But they're elusive when you try to draw them with your fingers.
You aren't confidantes with every last cell in his hands
Or know the moons of his fingernails.
And you can't taste his lips when he's not there.

You don't know him yet, and that's fine.
But you need to remember that.
I think if you had his minutiae immortalized in your mind
And you could already sculpt his eyes out of air
You would be in far too deep
Far too soon.

All right.
Your pictures are officially deleted
From my camera and my Facebook.
The prints are out of their frames
Your ticket stubs are out of my box
(Until I can look at them with fond memories
Instead of sadness.)
And the sweet things you've given me are in a drawer.

All of you, hidden away.
Just like who you are was hidden away.
I'm still not sure if I ever really knew you.

I'm just glad I'm finally feeling it.
I've not had one sorrow, one lament
But you can't live without that, I guess.
So, now's the time.

Here's to the past.

You use eye contact as a challenge
A stare as a dare.
Your deep,deep voice
Comes from deep,deep within.
I can feel the rumbles where they start.
You keep the conversation focused on others
Or maybe that's just me.
You know
And you see through me
In a way that makes me feel
Both empty and full
Invisible and obvious.

I  understand.
It's my goal in life actually,
To understand people like you.
I've said that we're all a little crazy
And that I still believe.
But you are a special case.
You need to learn how to let out your disappointment.
You don't want the life you have
But it's what you've got.
You don't mean to take it out
On those you secretly love
But you can't help it.
You need to learn.
Just like I did.

She would hate to hear it, but they are a lot alike.

I will surely pay for this later.

Your heart feels like rubber
When it fills
A balloon when it empties.
Your thigh has fallen against my wrist
And your hand is resting on my hip.
We sit silently
Sometimes I can feel your head
Fall into my hair.
To sniff? To feel?
Black sky surrounds us
And we are in a vortex
We are the only living beings.
Pink Floyd is playing
Softly
From somewhere in the depths
Of the cosmos.
We talk
And listen
For hours.
Far too late into the night.
But when I come home
My core is melting
And the buzz of my high won't let me hear the signal.

"DANGER!"

She's sad
Upset
For some reason.
She won't tell you
And there are too many possibilities to start guessing.
Is he okay?
Are they leaving?
Is she leaving?
You'll just ruin the night if you sit here and dwell.

Take a shot of whiskey
Get it out of your system.
Forget til the morning.

You know you can make me forget
So please, just make me forget.
Make it go away.

Whisper through my screaming thoughts,
Kiss me through the blood in my mouth.
Hold me through the steel bars I'm feeling surround me.

Make it go away.

Just kiss me, kiss me please!
For when our lips meet
The world melts.
I melt.
Liquid can't think, either.
Liquid can't be tortured.
Liquid can't cry.

Envelope me with your body;
Make me believe in man again.
Or at least let me forget what I know of them.

Desperately me body needs a distraction
A release, a vent
It needs you.
I need you.

I need you.

Her brain is hardwired
To think of only him
And of certain needs.
She has become obsessed
Dependant
Though I don't see how she's managed like that for so long.
She says she refuses to live without him.
That he is the only one for her.

I don't know how to help
She knows she's more than just
Half of a couple.
I've seen it.
But she says if she doesn't have him
Life's not worth living.

Apparently he disagrees.

She's gone.
Soon they all will be.
Another year down the drain.
At least this one was almost productive.
A week til I'm
Forcibly united with three.
Three months til I see the rest.
At least one will always be there.
My rooms is in shambles.
I've been trying to reduce it down
But it's not working.
Somehow it just seems to grow.
No assistance comes
And I sludge through what I have.
It's a long process.
Most of my possessions are still in here
Waiting to leave but not quite sure how.
This place is small and dark
But the view is nice
And the people are good.
For a week I will live out of the suitcase
I bought at Goodwill
And hope I can afford gas in my car.
But in a week I will have a home
In three months I will have a friend
And in many years I will be a success.

He's leaving, too.
One was bad enough.
Now two are going away?

It's his life.
It's his decision.
It's not my problem.

But he leaves in two months
Who knows where he'll go.
Another desert
Another bomb zone.

Another brother out in the world.

I dreamed last night.
Everything I used to aim for
And what I used to believe I could have,
I had.
It was an alternate reality
That made me so disappointed
When I woke and saw it was false.
It was my heaven
Where those hopes I have long put away
Came to fruition.

I
Was
So
Happy

You held my hand
And looked me in the eyes
And told me I was beautiful.
That you wanted me.
That you needed me.

And you proved it.

It was the first time I really believed it, I think.
It was the first time I took it to heart.
I still can't get over how you make me feel
And I don't really want to.

You make me alive.
You make me feel like I matter.
You make me feel like I'm loved.

Dear Pablo,
I see your poem, and raise you another.
For see, I too can write the saddest lines tonight.
They will not have your beauty, but they will have your phrase.
Or, a reverse of it.
For while your love has departed, I still stay.
You see, the truth is this:
He loves me, and sometimes I love him too.
He loves me desperately
In the way that a sailor clings to an unyielding buoy.
He loves me constantly
In the way of the sun in a drought.
He loves me
And sometimes I love him too.

Pablo, if your love loved you not
Why would you desire her still?
You say you love her no longer, but maybe you love her.
Why do you do this?
Why do you not realize there is surely someone else
Who will love you, too?
Why are you unwilling to see
That if she loves you not
She is not worthy?

I feel like I should write something
But I don't know what to say.
I've been sitting here
Waiting
All night.
I'm not even sure what I'm waiting for.
An epiphany?
An explosion?
I don't know.
All I know is
I'm here
Alone
And I don't know what to say.

One time
I planned to show you.
I wanted to hear what you thought of me
And how I made you feel.
But now there's no way I can.
Because some parts of me, you don't need to see.
And I don't need to show you.
It would only end badly.
I wish I could.

I've felt discouraged recently.
I think I need to remind myself that I'm not a real poet.
I need to remind myself
That I just write what comes out of my fingers
Not any form of literary artwork.
I think that if I remember that
My words form more of a journal than anything,
Then I will be able to write again.
And maybe it will be something
I actually enjoy reading.

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You say I make you feel like a man.
Well, you make me feel like a woman.
Young and beautiful
A creation of the gods.

When you touch me
The tremors of earthquakes crash through my veins.
I am a world
Created for you, only you, always you.
Born of the clouds and the tides
I am worthy of being studied and sought after
You show me I am worthy.
You show me I am good.

When I look in your eyes
You are surrounded by stars.
And if you're made of light,
I must be too
For we could not be so far apart.

While I may make you feel like a man
You make me feel liike a woman.
We were created of the heavens.
We were created for each other.

"We are in LOVE,
that's why.
Now hurry up.
The blood from the pick ax
Is dripping on the carpet
And I don't have time to steam clean today."

I feel empty.
Tired?
Something.
He just left
And it doesn’t matter.
It almost feels like
He’s always around
So when he leaves
It often feels like nothing.
My eyes stay half-open
My brain stays in static
She whistles
She talks
She reads fan fiction
I sit here
Waiting for my Internet connection to work
And waiting to return to existence.

Don't worry.

I
Will
Get
Over
It.

Everything is temporary.
Even when it feels like it's not.

I
DON'T
KNOW
WHAT
I'M
DOING

The feeling after you're done reading a book is so empty.
So final.
So quiet.
There's so much to wrap your head around
But there's nothing left.

I bet death is a lot like that.

Don't get used to me, please.
That's how it starts.

Remember when we met?
See me as you saw me then.
There must've been something to make you want me.
Remember it, please.
Keep it new.

I'm doing my best to be new
To still be exciting
To still make you interested.
I don't know my success rate.
I think it's low.

I've been through it before.
Once you get used to me,
You start forgetting.
You forget why you wanted me.
You forget any reasons to keep me around.
Reasons to still try.
So, you stop.

So, we stop.

So remember me, please.
Was it my words? my face? my tiger shirt?
Whatever it is, don't forget.
I'll drink more to get back to those words.
I'll put on more makeup to bring back your favors.
I'll wear that shirt all you like.

But please, I'm asking you.
Don't forget me.
Don't get used to me.

He needs me to be
And I know it.
He doesn't really know how to be without me.

I wonder if life would be different if he didn't.

I don't know what kind of flower you are
But I like how you landed in my hair.

Dry, and therefore you must be lifeless
But saturated, vibrant, brilliant.
How can you be both?

I like your contrast
And I like how smooth the limbs you grow on are.
I like how you got trapped in me
And didn't really mind.
I didn't mind.

They say a flower in the hair makes a girl prettier
But you made me feel like more than a girl.
Natural
As in, part of nature.

Maybe your limbs were once a woman, too.

I fell asleep last night
Content in the knowledge that you were beside me.
Warm with your body
Comfortable with your arms.

I woke up this morning
From a sleep fraught with dreams.
The kind that consume you,
And make it so you aren't sure what's real.
But you were there when I woke
So I didn't really care if it was reality or illusion.

It seems I never want to leave you
Which is both strange and appealing.
In the morning I linger, too long
And every night I show up at your door.
The walk home is never disheartening, though
Because I'll always come back.

I'm not sure what this is
(Although I have an idea, but that won't be written)
But I don't think I'll think about it.
Whatever it is, it makes me happy.
Whatever it is, I just want to be with you.