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Being so far
my brain begins to wander
trying to retrace the roads you took away
The trumpeting of metal does not startle
my hungry soul
being loved
is a space heater bed
cooking you nice
as the draft leaks in through the holes in the wall
but could easily light you on fire
and leave you twisted and charred

the songs of birds in the early morning
can be beautiful and sweet
as they pour out their hearts for the world to hear
but it still wakes me up
and pushes me out of bed
and into the cold life
of distance
Darling, if you loved another
that would be fine
as long as you loved me still
Polyamory is no threat or stranger to me
However
the words that take us from lovers to friends
should always be banished from the kingdom of my ears
I could handle another
as long as I was still me
based off of a dream i had
The sleet had piled high up on the side of the road, spraying the brownish gray over the pedestrians. Sharlesburg was far out on the Pennsylvania country side, and the town was choked by trucks hauling by and the smells of dairy farms. No one really stayed there long, aside from the clerks in the little stores, maybe a few waitresses, and none of them wanted to stay around. No, the waitresses all wanted to move to the city and get their big time jobs, and the clerks wanted to move down somewhere warmer to retire. Maybe to the lake, but that was too rough in the winters. Well, the Summers were gorgeous, and so maybe that would work. The only ones who wanted to hang around were the farmers.

     Life was slow, and the farmers knew the land. Time there plodded away slower than the cows grazing on the moors. As one year grew into two and two into six, not much ever really changed for them. The land would go from muddy and torn to green and sparkling, gold and cracked, and again to the mud, smeared with the white from the snow. And all the while, the animals paced, and so did the farmers, wandering deeper and deeper into the rut.

     Tyler sat by the window, watching the cattle huddle together out in the mud, her tea and her breath fogging the window. Her father was out at town for the weekend, though she never really asked why. Monday he would probably stagger home reeking of a medicine cabinet. Another cow might die this winter, she was sure, because she had never learned how to deal with a cow in labor, and the vet didn't like to come by any more. That Tyler wasn't sure of why, but her father was almost certainly the blame for that.

Her mother wasn't around anymore; she left with a furniture salesman to live on the lake.

The television glowered in the corner, the same four channels playing the same four things. Tyler switched them off, but wanted the noise, and turned on the radio.

"REPENT SINNERS REPENT SINNERS! FOR THE FIERY HELL AWAITS YOU! I MEAN YOU, YOU WITH YOUR ****** MUSIC AND YOU JEAN SHORTS! HAVE YOU SEEN THE TV? THOSE GIRLS, WITH THEIR EXPOSED CHESTS AND GOING TO WORK-,"

Tyler switched it off again.

Something had fluttered outside. What really caught her eye was that it wasn't white, like the sky, it wasn't the snow, it wasn't the mud or a black back of a cow. It was something red and shiny.

The snow was falling pretty hard though. She couldn't be sure.

In the quiet, Tyler could discern the mooing yelps of one of the cows. She pulled on her yellow winter coat and scrambled outside. The air was cold and sharp against her nose, ripping away the smells of manure and filth. Even the tobacco from the ashtray was blank; the landscape was nothing but sound and snow and the ******* cold.

      The cows stood in a brace, black bodies radiating heat in the January snow. Tyler shoved them aside, though they hardly budged. Saliva dripped onto her shoulders and onto the ground, little pits in the mud. One cow groaned again, and as she got closer, she saw it was laying on its side in the middle of the brace. A pregnant cow, heaving under the pain of labor.

    She guffawed, trying again to shove the onlookers aside, but it seemed as though they merely packed closer together, and she could hardly get an arm through. As Tyler watched, the cow shrieked in pain.  Cows clamored tighter in the bunch and their eyes swallowed the sight as dully as cud.
"Please, move! get out of the way!"
     Of course, the beasts, they paid no mind. The heifer shrieked again as blood began to spout heavily fourth. The Cows did not even step back. They did not budge as Tyler beat on their rumps, not a flinch. The cries of pain grew weaker and weaker and the legs went from their horrible flailing to the slow movements of a dying moth.
When the scene ended, the cows were no longer amused, and passed on. The heifer was dead. Tyler scrambled forward in hopes of saving maybe the calf.
It was only a ****** rag , hanging sadly from the mother's bowels. no life had touched the wretched thing.
Tyler sighed.
And went back inside.
i set my phone on the table
i do so fear that house
the upstairs is nothing but dark rooms
the curtains drawn
and the stuffy old furniture laid in too-big rooms
nana's house is nearly 150 years old
and the joints creak more than hers do
every footfall is an echoing scream that rebounds into the dust
whenever you go into the bathroom upstairs
faces show up in the glass
in the fog that always shows up
and sit there like when you were a kid making hand prints and smiles
it doesn't frighten me any more
but
when i come downstairs
my phone
is on the top step of the basement stairs
the glowering darkness warning me

i am so glad to be back home
no lie. my nana's house is scary as ****
I hold back
in everything I do
when I go to hit a ball,
I have a nasty habit of slowing myself down mid swing
and my driver send the ball
half as far as I could have before.

When I speak,
my voice does somersaults
and keels from high pitched to husky, low
but it's annoying
so I do my best to keep level and
not express how I should
but even that is annoying
because it doesn't sound natural.

When I argue my views I don't say the real point
I don't defend them all the way
I am too afraid of my arrogance
for I can be so full of myself
and level people
telling them the truth and
flattening friendships
but I only want friendships with the people who upset me
and they do not want to see who I am
I covet them out of pride
so should I not crush them?
Favor my idealism over my greed?
But no.
I hold myself back.

Is it out of mercy?
Cowardice?
I would like to think mercy
for I know my own strength very well.
The last time I sparred with my beau in earnest
(out of training, certainly not wrath
never wrath)
I broke through his block with two punches
and gave him a ****** lip,
a black eye
the guilt that grabbed me was
empowered by the power I felt
the black-belt struck down by the meager street boxer
It was something I had not felt in so long
a clear cut victory
But before my joy made it to my face
I noticed the blood dripping down his
and that joy became a mark of my evil
as I patched his wounds
Never had I wanted to hurt him,
never really
he was just training me
and I knew no restraint
Restraint
It would have been mercy and cowardice
for how could I ever live to feel that terrible guilt again?
I do not want to annoy anyone
not do I feel it right to hurt them
but mercy
that is the term that gods use
and I am as much a god as I am a demon
so perhaps it was cowardice
perhaps
it was some of both
Stretch out the veins in me
the roots of a willow
bent and strong
drinking in the autumn air
waiting to be trampled on
but this morning
it is all soft moss
wrapping my heart in cool comfort

My lungs push out,
my diaphragm pulls down
the tides pulsing back and forth
powerful and cleansing
sweeping out the toxins of humanity  
and pushing in the sweet sands
to build new life

My ******* shift softly
dunes on the edge of the sea
soft and unforgiving
hard to scale and smoldering hot
burning the hands and  feet of those who do not tread with respect

A woman is an ocean
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