I hold back
in everything I do
when I go to hit a ball,
I have a nasty habit of slowing myself down mid swing
and my driver send the ball
half as far as I could have before.

When I speak,
my voice does somersaults
and keels from high pitched to husky, low
but it's annoying
so I do my best to keep level and
not express how I should
but even that is annoying
because it doesn't sound natural.

When I argue my views I don't say the real point
I don't defend them all the way
I am too afraid of my arrogance
for I can be so full of myself
and level people
telling them the truth and
flattening friendships
but I only want friendships with the people who upset me
and they do not want to see who I am
I covet them out of pride
so should I not crush them?
Favor my idealism over my greed?
But no.
I hold myself back.

Is it out of mercy?
Cowardice?
I would like to think mercy
for I know my own strength very well.
The last time I sparred with my beau in earnest
(out of training, certainly not wrath
never wrath)
I broke through his block with two punches
and gave him a ****** lip,
a black eye
the guilt that grabbed me was
empowered by the power I felt
the black-belt struck down by the meager street boxer
It was something I had not felt in so long
a clear cut victory
But before my joy made it to my face
I noticed the blood dripping down his
and that joy became a mark of my evil
as I patched his wounds
Never had I wanted to hurt him,
never really
he was just training me
and I knew no restraint
Restraint
It would have been mercy and cowardice
for how could I ever live to feel that terrible guilt again?
I do not want to annoy anyone
not do I feel it right to hurt them
but mercy
that is the term that gods use
and I am as much a god as I am a demon
so perhaps it was cowardice
perhaps
it was some of both