Ashamed that I let you keep ripping apart my heart, ashamed of the bruises I had to hide,
Ashamed of the way I have to move now to hide the fact that I am in so much pain.

Try to hide behind a smile the tears that are nearly drowning me.  She is so bright and cheerful with a kind word or a helping hand.

Will someone please come save me? I'm drowning in quick sand.

The abuse of my heart and my  mind was hard enough to bear, but now you are damaging me outwardly too and I'm ashamed of the treatment I continue to bear for the hope of your love.

The weight of it has crushed my hopes and dreams of us and all you said you would be.
I have laid my all on the line, loving you beyond all reason, waiting for things to change, to be tenderly loved and trusted.

I am a fool and everyone  would judge me harshly if they could see the damaged me I let myself become because of my love for you.

Always in love, trustworthy and scared that one day I'll have to leave it all behind.

My one great love a memory of what could have been but never will be, because you won't love, cherish and trust in me.

A twisted game we play each day, month after month, and now year after year.

The game of your favorite elementary school bully who played till it brought you to tears.

You leap and you jump with all of your might to get the treasure back, and when you find yourself still empty handed, you cannot hold the tears back.

Frustration and anger, disappointment and pain, as your bully laughs in your face and continues his game.

This game has gone on for two long years, I have cried far too many tears as you play your twisted little game.

Although you are amused at how I leap, jump and beg for your heart which you dangle above my head, this game is heartbreaking and I'm am weary.

I won't keep playing keep away and finding myself, the only one truly in love, broken and teary.

Tenderly embrace me in your arms and let me feel sheltered from the storm for a moment, just a moment please.

Caress me with your fingertips as your love for me rushes through them and over my body, so I can feel worth your while.

Can you kiss me with a passion that melts me where I stand from the fire I have ignited in your soul.

Can you look into my eyes with sincerity as you tell me that you love me so I can trust that it's true.

Hold my hand for a lifetime, touch my soul with your own, and to you I will give my all till the end of a lifetime is here.

I will only let go to hand you to the angels and wait to come follow you home.

Please please!

One day you will love someone with a depth that will rattle your soul. She will proclaim her love for you too and promise you a love full of faithfulness, patience, understanding, respect, reciprocation and appreciation of the gift that you are giving to her.

But in a couple of months karma steps in and her mask will fall away. You will be faced with your twin and will be dealt a hand specially laid for the unforgiven.

You felt no true remorse for the agony you caused me, the one who gave you the gift you reserved for this pretender. You returned only cruelty, hate, and anger.

Now that your heart is finally opened and you have put your all on the line; your heart will surely be broken as she returns each of your sins against the one whose love was pure and true.

This demon will repeatedly deceive you as she cheats on you so very many times. And with each subsequent affair,  your tenderly exposed heart will shatter, you will remember when you did the same to me.

With every lie, abuse and every manipulation, when her venomous nature literally brings you to your knees, maybe you will then remember and finally understand how you almost killed me.

I hope one day after all of this you're not lying in a hospital bed, in agony and your heart so literally broken that you are saying your final good bye and thinking of all the you dreamt of with her, she doesn't abandon you to die like you did to me.

I wish that you would discover right now that my love is pure and honest and I am broken by your selfish heart. That you will feel the real love that you need to so you truly understand just what you've done and feel real remorse and change it before I have to move on.

Only then can you avoid the karma that will seek to make you come undone.

I see your face in my mind, it smiles at me much more often there. Your countenance in that moment I long to produce with my efforts to bring you joy everyday.

I dwell on the feeling of your rare touch and the softness of your voice in that moment of tenderness. How I dream of a day when this will be a frequent experience.

I remember the smell your skin from each night that I embrace and caress you from your head to your feet, how sweet your scent is as I lay in the curve of your waist and drag my nails across your thighs.

In my mind you are always in love with me, you never doubt it or deny it, I am never rejected and I am safe. This makes me smile until my cheeks plea for mercy.

I wish for the circumstances of us that I treasure in my mind to be the reality of us. For there is where my greatest love, who abandoned me so long ago, after a brief introduction can be found. I momentarily get to see his smile, feel his loving and tender embrace, hear his sweet voice proclaim his never-ending love for me....and in a moment he is gone and again I must wait what seems an eternity, for his miraculous return. Enduring the punishment until I see you again. I miss you.

Uncertainty is laughing in my mind, teasing me with the possibility that your reach for me is only to keep me from going before you find my replacement.
It catches my breath in a net of anxiety, telling me that the pounding in my chest is the broken heart that will be further shattered soon enough.
Am I playing the part of an absolute fool?
Should I have just listened when you told me I was nothing to you?
Around and around I am spun, I am in love with you and you are to be mine til death, no I'm not it was just a ploy because I want you to stay close.
All the benefits of a marriage without the fidelity commitment and intimacy, this was your request.
Now you tell me that was not true, and promise to open yourself to the love in your heart and show me the truth.
A promise I've heard a thousand times before only to have brief relief.
Once before I heard this same thing from you, never was in love, made love to keep you convinced but never meant any of it, you abandoned your woman and your unborn son.
Upon your return you said you never meant it, you were just panicking, but here you have brought it up again.
Claiming that it was my fault for not listening to you then, but I did listen.
I listened so hard it nearly killed us both and only one survived.
But I also listened to all of you're proclamations of love and devotion that followed.
I listened to you speak of our union as one, or future together, I listened carefully as you described a home filed with unity, loyalty and love.
I heard and I listened carefully as you started to speak in we, us, and our.
Here we are again the ferris wheel has come full circle with the same dropping feeling in the pit of my stomach as you obliterate all that I thought was pure and true only to say you didn't mean it.
From the second I decided to give you one more chance, my heart and mind are screaming at me, "you fool!" My soul is screaming and begging not to suffer any more damage. I am terrified that that is the truth and this is the lie, that you don't want to do it but you have not found someone to take my place to feed your ego.
May God have mercy and let the real truth be known and his will be done so that I can plant my feet on solid earth. I am waiting, I am watching, I am horrified at the possibility that this is all wrong..

I want to love you with reckless abandon, no concerns of betrayal, no doubt about your love for me, no fear of ultimate rejection.

I want to hold you close, feel the warmth of your body, listen to the slow beat of your heart, knowing it is filled with love for me.

I want to traverse the seemingly endless expanse of your mind, vanquishing your doubts, fears, and sadness.

I want to shed light on the darkest recesses of your soul and vigorously trample the evil that haunts you, I want to set you free.

I desire with all my soul to bring you peace, joy, and comfort.

I beg God for the opportunity to show you the sweetness of life, to endlessly kiss your lips with the nectar of unconditional love.

I beg for your heart to open and accept me, all of me, without any hesitation.

May I be so blessed that you will love me this deeply and freely. Let me live in your heart my sweet angel, show me you love me, and I will bring you all I am and all I ever will be.